The Raw Bits: (Highlights 11/14/16)

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Right off the bat RAW started out by giving me extreme secondhand embarrassment. The moment Mick started dancing and partaking in his best imitation of Enzo Amore, I just…I felt like an embarrassed grandkid. Kudos to you Mick ,but um, I’ll be here hiding in mild embarrassment. Then it got worse when Stephanie McMahon unveiled her soccer mom inner self….gosh. Too much to handle.

Damn it, wrestling is so stupid and ridiculous, I love it so much.

Roman’s a great partner.

Sure, Kevin Owens wouldn’t help during the match; and yeah, he tagged himself in just as Roman was finally about to execute his finisher and take the win for them. However, even though Kevin was the legal man Roman did the right thing. He knocked out their opponent and dragged Kevin’s body on top of Sheamus in order to secure the win. Honestly, that’s a great, and considerate teammate being so selfless and supportive.

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The New Day is ready for cuffing season.

They show their readiness with a stunning interpretation of cuffing season, using a New Day sock and unicorn horn. They didn’t even remember to wrap the horn first, sigh. So irresponsible.

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Closing Segment RAW Vs. SmackDown

From Kevin cupping Chris Jericho’s sugar tit, to AJ Styles and his soccer mom hair making it on the List, all the way to James Ellsworth being dubbed Chince McMahon. I just….this entire segment was complete gold and too hilarious for words. Raw vs. SmackDown was perfect and I can’t wait for this match at Survivor Series.

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Stephanie McMahon loves Mortal Kombat

“Finish him!”–Such orders sound so fitting coming from Stephanie.

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The Raw Bits: All About Survivor Series (Highlights 11/7/16)

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The show opens up allowing us to learn that RAW is currently in Glasgow. Yes, this was filmed practically half a day in advance, and the crowd will be especially censored and filtered before us dirty Americans see it.

JeriKO: Oh Captains My Captains

Yes, you read it correctly. The Universal Champion Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens (shades of LayCool for sure), are going to be the co-captains for team RAW on Survivor Series. I don’t know what’s better, the fact that they’re somehow sharing this championship, or that they bad mouthed the Shield and proceeded to pretend that Braun wasn’t even there.

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Cesaro takes great offense!

Not really, he made a point of saying that if The Club really wanted to grind his gears, that they’d just say he was the third member of their little group. Well hot damn, drop the mic and moonwalk right outta there. He was killing it with the smack talk, even against his own teammate Rooster! I mean, Sheamus. His name is Sheamus.

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There really wasn’t much to this episode of RAW. Most of it was setting up the matches for Survivor Series so everyone knew what the teams were. I suspect the exact same will happen for SmackDown tomorrow. Eh, maybe next week things will go back to normal.

 

The Raw Bits: (Highlights 10/31/16)

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Happy Halloween! To scare the fecal matter out of you, the show started off immediately with Goldberg’s entrance. So yes, if you are not paying any attention as you have just turned on your television, you may want to hover above a toilet or at least sit on a towel.

Rusev is confused.

Rusev is mixing porn with reality, and it’s mildly concerning. All he can talk about is Goldberg’s jackhammer and his spear, and really…..I mean, come on Rusev. If you want to experience it so bad, just take the man out to dinner. A steak, some wine, maybe split a dessert. You guys could have a great time.

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Ezno & Big Cass’ costumes are everything.

Ya got Enzo Lightyear and his buddy Big Woody (giggity) ready to take on Luke Gallows for this trick or street fight. Enzo is going to hit him to infinity and beyond, and Big Woody will watch with delight while he deals with the snake in his boot. Is that a euphemism for penis? I don’t know in this context, WWE has been awfully sexual these days….but either way it works.

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“You should be down on your knees thanking us.” –Chris Jericho 2016

In which Jericho wants Mick Foley on his knees in front of him, probably saying “Thank you Sir, may I have another?”. Alright WWE just say you’re sponsored by PornHub at this point.

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That sass off between Roman and Jericho.

If only they still had “stupid idiot” costumes. Roman could finally fulfill Jericho’s fantasy of being inside of him.

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Well that wraps it up for Monday Night Raw highlights by moi! I’d put more, but, I work with children and three hours is far too long for a program. Good grief. The night ended with a teaser of a Shield reunion with Seth making the save for Roman Reigns. Basically, fangirl and fanboy hearts and genitals everywhere exploded at the sight.

 

The Raw Bits: Grandpa Mick’s Warnings (Highlights 10/24/16)

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RAW starts out with us learning that someone has stolen the List of Jericho. Someone had the audacity to steal his most prized possession, hell…this seems like it’s borderline kidnapping. Something tells me the list might meet an untimely end like Dean’s old friend Mitch the plant.

Seth Rollins, god complex.

He has a god complex, right? I mean, he says he’s going to make sure Kevin Owens won’t be fit enough to walk around with the title ‘The Man’. I mean, this guy really, truly believes he’s all that, a bag of chips, and a tall glass of Dr. Pepper. Sigh, this is what happens when the Authority just feeds into his ego and treats him like the spoiled brat he is…

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Shame on Sheamus!

Finally, someone (The New Day) is finally shaming Sheamus! Thank goodness, that man is a mess, a former shell of himself. Quite frankly, he’s just a giant bully with an awful hairdo. The man needs to be shamed for a little while, humble the guy, let him get his shit together. I will never respect the hawk.

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Mick Foley still has unresolved feelings about the Cell.

I think he has a few souvenirs from HIAC, maybe that’s why. This segment takes me back to his little chat with Seth and Dean-warning them that the match changes who you are. You might come out a shell of your former self. Hell, you may leave with less limbs than you entered with.

However, Charlotte really stole the show coming into her own as the evil Queen. She brought the fire in the match between her and Sasha. Bringing up her tendency to get injured easily? Oh dear, she’s going to make this match a brutal one.

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RAW was okay, I mean, it was missing a very crucial part. It should have had Mick talking to the male competitors for HIAC this coming Sunday. He spoke to Sasha and Charlotte, so he should’ve extended his warnings! A nice locker room talk, where he’s wrapped the superstars in warm blankets and makes them hot cocoa in order to soothe their worries during the explanation of the soon to be devastating ordeal. I just feel like that really would have sold the idea of how scary and life changing HIAC is.

 

 

The Raw Bits: Highlights (10/17/16)

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Well, the beginning of Monday Night Raw saw the birth of Sparkle Crotch (aka Chris Jericho), so that was something. The crowd now has a new favorite chant to say, but ya know if Roman Reigns said it the boos would be heard all the way in New Zealand.

Lots of Little Gems

I’ve been really bored all day. I don’t know what it is, but this episode of Raw just couldn’t keep my attention. Sure there were lots of little gems like the JeriKO romantic dispute, or Cesaro’s Facebok livestream during Sheamus’ match. Sami was a great man of the people, finally stepping up to Braun Strowman (totally didn’t end well). Hell, the brawl between Rusev and Roman was kind of entertaining once you got passed that very long Rusev family history.

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TJ Perkins might like video games.

Honestly I’m not too sure about this one. I know they constantly make game references, use the vernacular associated with gaming, but I’m not sure. I mean, what games does he like exactly? For all we know, he could be a massive fan of mind games. Are they beating us over the head with all of these gaming references because he likes video games? Or is there something more? What is the meaning of video games? Can you tell a lot about a man by his favorite game? Favorite console? This is just getting too deep for me to keep up.

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As for Brock and Goldberg: I don’t care. I despise Brock Lesnar, I’m indifferent with Goldberg, but I really loathe Brock Lesnar. It just needs to be Tuesday already so I can watch SmackDown!

Side Note: Goldberg’s entrance is dramatic as fuck, as the kids say.

Extra Side Note: He seemed so happy to be back, it was adorable.

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Mother Abandons Her Son: The Seth Rollins Story

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Seth Rollins is commonly known as the man, yet to the Authority he was known as the Golden Boy. He was the one that would lead them to greatness, as WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Seth was a force to be reckoned with. As a matter of fact, Seth was a petulant child, and a spoiled rotten brat who had it all.

Seth had the pride of his father. Sure, Triple H didn’t publicly voice how proud he was of Seth all the time. He didn’t make a big show of things whenever he had the chance, and he certainly didn’t try to show how proud he was through constant hugs or praises. Triple H was typically the stereotypical father figure, a man who oozed stoic, silent pride for their son. Where Seth really had the connection was with his mother, the queen herself, Stephanie McMahon.

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Stephanie often sang Seth’s praises, and they always seemed to have the closest bond. Even during the brand split, she was his first pick—not once showing a hint of leaving her child on a church doorstep in favor of someone better. 

We all expected this turn to happen. Triple H always chose a new son to claim as his own, from Randy Orton, to Seth Rollins, now down to Kevin Owens. What few expected, and many (including Seth) were dreading, was the mother’s abandonment of her child. Stephanie gave up on Seth, something he never expected in all his time in being with The Authority.

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He was clearly reeling with this loss. He noted that he was the best she ever had. Whether that’s his ego speaking or the cold hard truth the fact of the matter is this: he’s upset. Seth Rollins had it all, and lost it faster than he could blink.

Now all Seth can experience is the feeling of being alone. He abandoned his former brothers, his adoptive brother Randy turned on him as well. The hobbits of J&J Security, Uncle Kane, weird ,creepy not-actually-his-uncle-but-kind-of-his-uncle Big Show—everyone abandoned him. Seth had to deal with the feeling of being completely and utterly alone.

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He has to face the world by himself, but can he do it?! He’s had someone to fall back on his entire career. Seth’s always been in a group, somehow, somewhere, someone always had his back. He has to prove himself worthy of being called “The Man” and being able to do everything on his own—even if he doesn’t necessarily have to. There’s always an option for help, and sometimes you find friends where you least expect it.

For example, Seth could possibly have the help of good ol’ Uncle Mick. Sure, they got off to a rocky start. Seth clearly has an awful attitude problem and has never had disciplinary action taken against him.  Regardless of that, if Mick can get through Seth, get through the feelings of the child that’s been abandoned and lost people close to him so many times before:then there can be hope for him. Alone in the world, it’s up to Seth Rollins to mend his life, build new bridges, and give his parents the ultimate middle finger.

The Raw Bits: Highlights (10/10/16)

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Monday Night Raw started with the crowd welcoming WWE Women’s Champion Sasha Banks to the ring. Chants of “you deserve it” filled the arena, and quite frankly I’m not sure how I feel about that. It seems like every time the crowd chants those words, they turn on the performer within a month, seeming to be bored and over with their new champ anyway.

Rusev interrupts the Queen

Rusev and Lana interrupted the great queen Charlotte’s entrance as she made her way to the ring to accept Sasha’s challenge for a Hell in a Cell match. First of all: how dare you? Second of all yes give me more of this, this segment was great and Charlotte did a damn good job of making sure they knew to never steal the spotlight from the queen. Third: Women’s Hell in a Cell Match: YES!!!

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Sheamus has no idea who he is

Sheamus has an identity crisis, it’s very clear with the fact that he came out during Cesaro’s entrance. Sure, one could see this as Sheamus establishing dominance and asserting the idea that he’s better than Cesaro. However, I think it’s more that Sheamus just has no idea who he is anymore. He wants to believe that he’s as great and beloved as Cesaro. A noble goal to try and accomplish, but he’s no Swiss Superman.

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Chris Jericho’s PayDay #Sponsored

We just need to take a moment to appreciate how good of a guy R-Truth is. He heard Jericho’s dilemma and offered him the candy bar. Sure, it wasn’t what Jericho was talking about but damn it, that was so nice of Truth! In the end Jericho didn’t get his candy bar, but hopefully he’s getting a great pay day.

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All things Jericho.

I realized that most of the rest of this post would just be about Chris Jericho, because he’s been killing it this evening.So, I’ll finish it up this way. Chris Jericho in the ring with Kevin, Foley, and Stephanie: fantastic. Chris Jericho backstage with Kevin Owens and Tom Phillips: hilarious. Chris Jericho with Stephanie discussing the power of friendship: incredible. I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m finding Jericho to be pretty damn entertaining. It’s a bit ridiculous, I feel like I have to put him on my lit for being too much.

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The beginning of RAW was pretty good,but as per usual I started to lose interest midway through hour two. I can’t help it, the program is just so damn long and I have the attention span of a goldfish.