Why SmackDown is Infuriatingly Bad

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Let’s face it, SmackDown is a complete and utter joke and has been for quite some time. Granted, there are instances in which SmackDown doesn’t seem to be such an atrocity–but lately those are rare.

Now just why is SmackDown so infuriatingly bad?

For one, it’s an awful recap of RAW. As though RAW doesn’t offer enough recaps during the show as it is, SmackDown is comprised completely of reminders of events that took place on Monday night. Not just in the form of clips being replayed either–but actual matches. What’s so disheartening is that these matches are mostly in place to ensure that the loser from Monday night gets a win, that way no one goes home with sour feelings. It’s as though whoever is in charge of these matches is afraid of upsetting people. Huh, what an interesting concept.

Everyone wins! Give EVERYONE a belt for participation then, that’s basically the equivalent of what’s happening.

Or in the rare event that it’s not a match being repeated from Monday night–it’s just something that was thrown together. I imagine the process is like taking a bunch of arrows with the wrestler’s heads on them and just chucking them to a dart board and seeing which two land the closest together. Rather than actually develop something remotely compelling, they stick two people together randomly for a two minute match so they have enough time to show a twenty minute segment from RAW.

Though a personal favorite is always when the gang all packs up and goes overseas. It leaves SmackDown in shambles, as mostly anyone involved in a storyline is cast away to do live events. In the mean time, people who haven’t been on television for months or who have absolutely nothing happening at the moment put on a lovely two minute match as filler time before the video package of RAW is ready to play.

It’s just so unfortunate what SmackDown has become. A joke of the WWE: A recap show of  Monday night consisting mostly of commercials and disappointment.

Yay!

Why Does the Wyatt Family Have a Sheep Fetish?

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I know, trust me. I can’t believe I’m asking that question either.

But they do have a sheep fetish, don’t you see it? They started with one white little sheep–that of Erick Rowan. They’ve since grown, expanding the farm and obtaining a brutal young black sheep in Braun Strowman.

Now of all the creatures they could possibly have, why a sheep? Is a sheep intimidating at all? Why not replace this precious creature with that of a bear?

A bear is surely intimidating. A hulking mass ready to tear you apart with the swipe of a paw, accompanied by a paralyzing roar. They could have gone with lion masks, Bray would obviously be the head honcho of the group, but Harper, Rowan, and Strowman would technically be his pride! They too could tear their opponents apart and dominate the WWE as the monsters they so claim themselves to be.

Or they could have been different animals! Braun is unmovable, make him a rhino! Rowan’s supposedly a closeted genius, make him a dolphin! A majestic dolphin…they’re smart…right?!

Enough of the possible animals that they could have chosen but foolishly did not. The question is why would these monsters choose sheep instead of any other creature?

Quite obviously, Bray Wyatt is obsessed with destroying innocence.

The white sheep (or lamb, for a little baby sheep) is a symbol of innocence and purity. By having this mask that has clearly seen better days be bestowed upon a monster like Rowan, they’re ruining purity and innocence that cute sheep symbolize.

Personally I don’t find sheep to be that cute, but you know, to each their own.

In addition to that, they now have the black sheep. A symbol of being an outcast, a pariah–perfect example of the inhuman that is Braun.

Seriously, he can’t be human…right?

It’s almost like looking at an evolution. From the sweet, innocent white lamb all the way to the wretched black lamb. Bray loves the idea of taking these iconic symbols and utterly destroying what people once knew and loved.

Hell, just look at him and nursery rhymes. No one can hear He’s Got the Whole World In His Hands without having a nervous breakdown. When he sings there’s a fear of the entrance of a swamp creature in their dreams to terrorize them. When he manages to get the universe to sing this song, there’s terrifying flashbacks to childhood. Why terrifying? Because he’s probably now lurking in the background of all your favorite childhood memories ready to ruin your whole damn day.

In short, the Wyatt family is terrible. They crave nothing more than to destroy the innocence…and Bray Wyatt is a hybrid of Freddy Krueger and a swamp creature, with how he must destroy and terrorize everyone in existence.

Why is Kevin Owens Such a Sore Loser?

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Ah, Kevin Owens. Where can we even begin with that man? The way he speaks either puts someone to sleep or makes their hair stand on end before running away as far as humanly possible. He’s knows just how good he is, and he pairs that with sheer brutality and complete disregard for anyone but himself.

It’s painfully delightful.

Yet, there’s a part of him that takes us back to being children. Kevin Owens is an absolute sore loser. If he’s not going to get his way, he has a fit. Whether it’s interfering with matches to beat his opponents while they’re already down (wow, strong man right?), or leaving matches because he’s had enough of these partners that he deems too stupid to work with. Kevin Owens, much like Seth Rollins, is a bratty little child that just wants to get his way.

The question we ask every Sunday is of course, why?

Why is Kevin Owens such a sore loser? What causes him to lead a life of revenge, coupled with narcissism and brutality? Why does he do the things that he does?!

Quite frankly, Kevin Owens believes he’s the new and improved John Cena. He does what he does because he needs to be more like Cena–never lose! Or is it never give up? Never back down? Never say never?

Oh forget it! The man has so many slogans it’s impossible to keep up!

In addition, Cena can’t always be in the ring forever. He’ll have to go sometime, and Kevin is ready to swoop in for that spot. After all, just look at Cena now. A broken nose that resembles Brian Griffin getting beaten with a golf club–and that was a cartoon! Cena’s face is destroyed just by a knee. 

He’s getting older, he’s been around for just so damn long…

His time is up, and Kevin’s time is now.

So until he can usurp the power of Super Cena, he must destroy everyone in his path. Whether he wins or loses, he must put these people in their place so that he may gain the respect overnight that Cena has gained through years of hard work.

Granted, Kevin isn’t getting respect so much as he’s getting fear and comical insults courtesy of Cesaro–at least he thinks he’s doing good things.

Why Does Bo Dallas Pick on Dean Ambrose?

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Bo Dallas is a special little snowflake, isn’t he? A big man, running around in a giant diaper. He looks like the forgotten love child of cupid that fell from the clouds and hit everything on his way down. Hell, he looks like he landed in a swamp and swam his way to the ring every single time he comes out. Or…one could say he fell into a deep fryer. I don’t know you guys, the man just seems a little too greasy and gross to me.

Bo is a rather special type of individual. He picks the apple of his eye and offers such beautiful words of encouragement, that some deranged people may see this as rather insulting or demeaning! Blasphemous really, some just don’t understand..

His current object of affection is one Dean Ambrose. Now that seems rather peculiar for Bo, but he has his reasons. No, it’s not because all the fangirls told him to. It’s also not because Dean stole his heart, or his title, and as far as we know he’s not checked into the Ambrose Asylum. So, why is Bo picking on Dean?

Well, Bo just wants the attention from Dean because he clearly idolizes him.

Think about it. Every motivational speaker needs someone to look up to, someone to admire, someone that makes them want to chase the dream! That man just happens to be Dean Ambrose, and one can of course understand why. He’s been kicked down so many times before. He’s been beaten to points that some would think was beyond return. Yet he’s still there, fighting tooth and nail and doing the very best he can.

Dean working so hard makes Bo feel like he can…bo-lieve again. It gives Bo purpose! So, to further idolize his hero he figured he could offer his motivational expertise. Bo picking on Dean isn’t meant to be malicious in the slightest. In fact, it’s just his attempt in keeping his hero motivated to be the best that he can be.

Honestly, that’s something to be admired of this man.

Bo’s not mean, he’s just trying to do good things for other people. He just wants to make sure their heart stays in the fight!

Why is Tamina Snuka So Quiet?

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Ah, Tamina Snuka. We all have seen this quiet She-Hulk before. She’s Naomi’s right hand gal. The woman who can make you tremble with just one excruciating glare. A woman who, if she approaches the barrier, will make you jump back so as not to suffer her wraith. Tamina is a power house.

But she’s also quiet, so very quiet. Tamina’s like a silent killer–hell, she’s a great white shark of the ring. Nothing can stand in her way, as she is one unstoppable woman. A regular force to be reckoned with….but a quiet force. Like a hurricane without any sound.

Or if we stay on the shark reference, picture deep sea diving without a cage, and you’re deaf! Then a shark comes and eats you up. That’s what it’s like to be near Tamina. Basking in the aura of a silent, deadly, calculated killer. Now the question is, why?

Why is Tamina so quiet? Why does she stay by Naomi’s side and barely make a single peep? What is going on that leaves her resistant to opening her mouth and voicing her opinion most of the time?

Well, it’s quite simple. Tamina’s plotting the downfall of the Diva’s division.

Oh yes, it’s clear as day. Why waste time and energy mouthing off to bratty divas when she can just use that time planning? All that valuable time she spends in silence is being used to plan a very elaborate downfall for each Diva on the roster. The plan is to pick them off one by one, until no one is left but the Diva’s Champion.

That one will be especially enjoyable to destroy. Tamina just may take her sweet time and relish the experience of destroying the champion before taking the belt for herself.

This has to be it! Why else would a destroyer such as Tamina remain completely silent and not have many matches, unless it was to plan the downfall of every diva there?

Why is Bray Wyatt so Lonely?

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Recently, Bray Wyatt’s affection has been directed towards Roman Reigns. Okay, so Bray has taken to stalking his child and costing Roman a very big win at Money in the Bank. That doesn’t mean he hates the man in any way, shape, or form. He’s just a bit misguided and doesn’t quite understand how to function like a normal human being; as opposed to the creepy swamp thing that he is deep down (or not so deep down) inside!

The real question, as it always is on Sundays, is why? Why does Bray Wyatt stalk and terrorize Roman Reigns and his family? Why does he feel the need to partake in these disturbing mind games that must certainly leave Roman a shell of a man as he calculates his next step? Why is Bray so lonely that he must do these things to him?

The answer is simple, Bray Wyatt had a damn hard life.

First it started when he was but a child. It’s quite obvious that he’s adopted the swamp-man demeanor because of losing his beloved sister Abigail in a swamp all those terrible years ago. That was the beginning, taking on the very thing that terrified him and took his soul away.

In addition to adopting this persona, he also found himself clinging desperately to Disney movies.

Yes folks, Disney movies. Those same movies that leave you up at night sobbing, wondering how anyone could make an adult cry by watching a lion cub witness his father’s death.

Disney movies were always a key role in his development. Rarely in these films do you find a protagonist with a full family. Bray was able to connect with these films on such a personal level. This way, Bray was able to adapt and see that you can in fact carry on when you lose the ones you love.

I mean….he veered more towards the antagonists quite clearly due to his disturbing childhood loss, but that’s besides the point! Bray just wanted a family all his own.

Eventually he got one, the Wyatt family. Bray Wyatt, Erick Rowan, Luke Harper–the brothers from the black lagoon. The swamp creatures that followed the buzzards and burned all hygienic products in their path.

Yet just like he lost his sister Abigail (okay maybe not in the same way, but lost nonetheless), he lost his two brothers.

Bray tried recruiting others into his family. He wanted a full family! He needed one! He wanted the makeshift family of those beloved Disney characters…just went about it in a completely cruel and devilish way! There was Dean Ambrose–he would have been a perfect fit but he put up too much of a struggle. For a brief moment in time there was Ryback, but that one didn’t fit too well with what he wanted.

Third time’s the charm, and like Goldilocks did once before, Bray found the third choice to be perfect.

Roman Reigns.

Roman Reigns has a family already, but Bray clearly feels as thought it’s missing something very crucial. Creepy uncle Bray Wyatt from the swamp!

Bray Wyatt….you disturbing, creepy man. You don’t need to try and pull these Superstars into your demented family. Just go find some therapy. Or soap, add some water to that as well. But not swamp water, anything but that.

Why is Rusev Still Obsessed With Lana?

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Ah, Rusev. The Bulgarian Brute. The man with a serious disdain of shoes, shirts, and all things America. He’s such a charming man isn’t he?

We’ve also learned that Rusev loves with all of his heart….if he has one. Whatever it is that’s in his chest is full of love…or severe obsessive tendencies. Since his very public and definitely imminent separation with Lana, we’ve seen an entirely new but not surprising side to Rusev.

The man has become every bitter ex boyfriend we’ve seen in the movies. Rusev took to pleading for her love first (and failing miserably). Then of course when all else fails, what do you do? Attack the new boy toy! Now even with that doesn’t manage to separate the two of them and manages to push them closer together, there’s only one thing left to do.

Stalk her, obviously.

Do not try this at home.

Like any insane brute of a man would do, Rusev has begun to stalk her. He follows her around wherever she goes, whether that’s accompanying Dolph Ziggler to the ring or simply admiring a table of cleaning products for some odd reason. Everywhere you look, Rusev is just hiding around the corner with his phone ready to take pictures of his former lover.

Now, why is Rusev still so very obsessed with her? Why must this man stalk her wherever she goes? Terrorize her new boy toy any chance he can get? Why Rusev, why?!

Well, it’s so obviously that I’m a little disappointed that I hadn’t seen the connection any sooner. In fact, the entire WWE Universe must know of the reason by now, we just haven’t looked very deeply into it.

Rusev is so very obsessed with Lana, because Beauty and the Beast is his favorite movie.

Really! Obviously the movie is number one on Rusev’s top ten list, followed by endless documentaries on great Mother Russia and body-building I’m sure. He loves the film so much that he has an obsessive need to live it out as though that is his life. With Lana by his side, she was the beauty to his beast. Rusev’s so obsessed with having this Disney life, that he will stop at nothing to get Lana back and be his princess.

Partially sweet, mostly disturbing and definitely worthy of a psychiatrist visit.

Or you know, he’s obsessed because she’s wonderful and should be Queen of the WWE, riding in with dragons every Monday and Thursday night.