The Raw Bits: (Highlights 11/14/16)

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Right off the bat RAW started out by giving me extreme secondhand embarrassment. The moment Mick started dancing and partaking in his best imitation of Enzo Amore, I just…I felt like an embarrassed grandkid. Kudos to you Mick ,but um, I’ll be here hiding in mild embarrassment. Then it got worse when Stephanie McMahon unveiled her soccer mom inner self….gosh. Too much to handle.

Damn it, wrestling is so stupid and ridiculous, I love it so much.

Roman’s a great partner.

Sure, Kevin Owens wouldn’t help during the match; and yeah, he tagged himself in just as Roman was finally about to execute his finisher and take the win for them. However, even though Kevin was the legal man Roman did the right thing. He knocked out their opponent and dragged Kevin’s body on top of Sheamus in order to secure the win. Honestly, that’s a great, and considerate teammate being so selfless and supportive.

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The New Day is ready for cuffing season.

They show their readiness with a stunning interpretation of cuffing season, using a New Day sock and unicorn horn. They didn’t even remember to wrap the horn first, sigh. So irresponsible.

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Closing Segment RAW Vs. SmackDown

From Kevin cupping Chris Jericho’s sugar tit, to AJ Styles and his soccer mom hair making it on the List, all the way to James Ellsworth being dubbed Chince McMahon. I just….this entire segment was complete gold and too hilarious for words. Raw vs. SmackDown was perfect and I can’t wait for this match at Survivor Series.

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Stephanie McMahon loves Mortal Kombat

“Finish him!”–Such orders sound so fitting coming from Stephanie.

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What It’s Like Watching: Lucha Underground

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For the first time this week I was able to watch Lucha Underground on television. I have no idea how this happened, but suddenly I had acquired the El Rey network and I was not about to let it go to waste. I hopped on my stationary bike in a pitiful attempt to do some cardio, and I dove into the world of Lucha Underground.

Holy shit, what a world it is.

My previous experience watching LU was always whatever clip I could manage to find on the internet in an attempt to piece together an episode. Sure, I’m very late in the game but you can blame my service provider for that.

My first match of the episode was: Famous B with Brenda and Dr. Wagner vs. Mascarita Sagrada with Son of Havoc in a Believer’s Backlash Match 

I know what you’re thinking, what the fuck is a Believer’s Backlash Match? I’ll tell you what it is–it’s pure gold. This was ridiculous in the most incredible way. I saw magic happen–actual magic that produced a bowling ball which led to a perfect strike! I saw a cardboard standee get the Marie Antoinette treatment. I mean, I did see popcorn get used as a weapon, and while my heart whimpered at the thought of that popcorn not finding a home in my stomach; I dealt with it.

The match was incredible. It was silly, it was ridiculous, the wrestling was awesome and it was so fun to watch. On top of all that, it told a story that didn’t need to be fed to the audience. While I was completely oblivious to the plot of their feud in the beginning, by the end of the match I understood exactly what was going on and I was able to enjoy the show like I had been following this entire time. Plus I enjoyed the inclusion of the audience, and the “all weapons being legal” stipulation to the match.

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All Inclusive Matches

The second match I enjoyed was: Ivelisse, The Mack, Marty The Moth Martinez, Mariposa and Jeremiah Crane vs. Killshot, Dante Fox, Brian Cage, El Texano and Argenis.

The Winner of this match will be entered in Aztec WarFare 

May I just say this right off the bat: the names for their matches and segments are fun. I definitely dig what’s going down here.

I can’t say anything bad about this match, this was a great match. More importantly what I loved was the inclusion of women in this match. I love Ivelisse very much and she’s a wrestler whose matches I will go out of my way to find and binge away a weekend over. Ivelisse I’m familiar with, and I knew she would bring her A-game. This was the first time ever being exposed to Mariposa, and I was not disappointed. To see the women wrestling the men and not being treated as though they’re fragile or incapable was so refreshing. They’re included in matches and showing that they can throw down with the boys and can even be better than them.

 

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A Puma put to sleep.

The final match of the night was a Grave Consequences match, featuring: Mil Muertes with Catrina vs. Prince Puma

Good lord if you think anyone would actually die in a match, it might actually be this match. It was brutal, right off of the bat. The second Mil Muertes made his entrance, Prince Puma was on him like shoppers on Black Friday. The match was on fire from start to finish, and leaves you desperately rooting for the underdog as these two wrestlers finally put an end to their story together.

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How does it feel?

So how did I feel watching Lucha Underground? Fucking great. The show is an hour long, and with three fantastic matches PLUS extremely cinematic (and entertaining) promos, it’s a recipe for success. Not a single moment of it feels like the show is dragging on. I wasn’t begging for the show to just end in preparation of everything else I had to do before calling it a night. To me, that’s exactly the way a show should feel. You should feel completely immersed in it that the time just flies by and you don’t feel pained by watching the program.

On the other hand, as a Latina, I really love what Lucha Underground is doing. The immersion of culture without any mockery or objectification is such a pleasant change of pace. I want the utmost success for LU.

Added bonus: the commentary team does not make me want to put my head through a desk, nor keep any of them away from society for being horrifyingly mysognistic. Take notes, WWE, Lucha Underground is doing some great things.

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SmackDown: Mascot de Ellsworth (Highlights 11/8/16)

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It is election day, the scariest day in American history and we are watching SmackDown. Brace yourselves for potential political quips and references, and possibly a night all about Survivor Series.

James Ellsworth: Official Mascot

That’s right, he will be the official mascot for team blue during Survivor Series. This is incredible. I mean, honestly, he actually volunteered himself for this role. To be a mascot. Oh this poor cinnamon roll.

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Breezango is a bunch of strippers.

True story, Glasgow really brought their sexy out of them. I say, they’ve got promising careers in Vegas if this whole wrestling thing doesn’t work out.

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Shane O’Mac replacing Baron Corbin!

Er….well that’s interesting. Okay, I love Shane McMahon, I really do, he’s fantastic. But….taking Baron Corbin out on some lame “injury” thing? I would have loved to see him at Survivor Series, I don’t see enough of him! I don’t know, I find this switch to be rather…odd to say the least. I wonder where they’ll take this, if there’s more stipulations or how that match will play out.

 

SmackDown surprisingly had much more wrestling compared to Raw the night before, especially since Raw is a three hour program. Next week we get to see Edge and Undertaker, so I’m looking forward to a damn good episode to make up for this week.

 

The Raw Bits: All About Survivor Series (Highlights 11/7/16)

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The show opens up allowing us to learn that RAW is currently in Glasgow. Yes, this was filmed practically half a day in advance, and the crowd will be especially censored and filtered before us dirty Americans see it.

JeriKO: Oh Captains My Captains

Yes, you read it correctly. The Universal Champion Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens (shades of LayCool for sure), are going to be the co-captains for team RAW on Survivor Series. I don’t know what’s better, the fact that they’re somehow sharing this championship, or that they bad mouthed the Shield and proceeded to pretend that Braun wasn’t even there.

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Cesaro takes great offense!

Not really, he made a point of saying that if The Club really wanted to grind his gears, that they’d just say he was the third member of their little group. Well hot damn, drop the mic and moonwalk right outta there. He was killing it with the smack talk, even against his own teammate Rooster! I mean, Sheamus. His name is Sheamus.

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There really wasn’t much to this episode of RAW. Most of it was setting up the matches for Survivor Series so everyone knew what the teams were. I suspect the exact same will happen for SmackDown tomorrow. Eh, maybe next week things will go back to normal.

 

SmackDown: Hungry Eyes (Highlights 11/1/16)

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I feel like I need to preface this with my disbelief that James Ellsworth has his own theme music. Don’t get me wrong, that’s great for him and everything…but when do I get my own personalized theme music huh?

James Ellsworth apology session

All I can think about during this is how James has become the Urkel of WWE. It’s really incredible, his entire existence on the roster so far as has been “Did I do that…?” Plus his pout! My oh my, when he apologizes to Dean, all I can think about is the Olsen twins in Full House. That man really has a face perfect for television.

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Hungry Eyes

Luke Harper. Randy Orton. They were about to lock lips on SmackDown Live, I guess they’re saving this moment for a PPV. That’s not something you just give away for free all willy nilly. Ah….so when can I expect Luke to serenade Randy with “Hungry Eyes” ?

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Alexa Bliss is the best interviewer of all time

WHAT?! She took charge and honestly led the interview better than any designated interviewer ever could have. Plus she was so attentive to her guest Carmella. Quite frankly, Alexa Bliss is career goals.

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James & Dean = True Love

I can’t with James Ellsworth and Dean Ambrose. They’re too much of a good thing…my sides hurt from laughing.

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The Raw Bits: (Highlights 10/31/16)

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Happy Halloween! To scare the fecal matter out of you, the show started off immediately with Goldberg’s entrance. So yes, if you are not paying any attention as you have just turned on your television, you may want to hover above a toilet or at least sit on a towel.

Rusev is confused.

Rusev is mixing porn with reality, and it’s mildly concerning. All he can talk about is Goldberg’s jackhammer and his spear, and really…..I mean, come on Rusev. If you want to experience it so bad, just take the man out to dinner. A steak, some wine, maybe split a dessert. You guys could have a great time.

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Ezno & Big Cass’ costumes are everything.

Ya got Enzo Lightyear and his buddy Big Woody (giggity) ready to take on Luke Gallows for this trick or street fight. Enzo is going to hit him to infinity and beyond, and Big Woody will watch with delight while he deals with the snake in his boot. Is that a euphemism for penis? I don’t know in this context, WWE has been awfully sexual these days….but either way it works.

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“You should be down on your knees thanking us.” –Chris Jericho 2016

In which Jericho wants Mick Foley on his knees in front of him, probably saying “Thank you Sir, may I have another?”. Alright WWE just say you’re sponsored by PornHub at this point.

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That sass off between Roman and Jericho.

If only they still had “stupid idiot” costumes. Roman could finally fulfill Jericho’s fantasy of being inside of him.

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Well that wraps it up for Monday Night Raw highlights by moi! I’d put more, but, I work with children and three hours is far too long for a program. Good grief. The night ended with a teaser of a Shield reunion with Seth making the save for Roman Reigns. Basically, fangirl and fanboy hearts and genitals everywhere exploded at the sight.

 

Hell in a Cell: Highlights (10/30/2016)

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Allow me to say: this historic “triple main event” business is garbage. You cannot have three main events. The main event is the last match that caps off the show because it’s pretty much the best damn thing you’re supposed to see all night. By saying there’s three main events you’re saying: well in case Sasha vs. Charlotte doesn’t go over well, I’ve got two other matches to fall back on and say THAT was the main event. It’s poop. Hogwash, bullshit.

You don’t say you’re having a “triple season premiere”, that’s ridiculous! Triple main event is just as ridiculous.

Kick Off Match

 

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Cedric Alexander, Lince Dorado, Sin Cara vs. Tony Nese, Drew Gulak, Ariya Daivari

The RAW roster is making good use of their cruiserweight division, and that’s by having the gang open up the show with a flippy-flippy, mega agile, jaw-dropping type of match. Now I like the cruiser weights, and I love fast paced matches like this, but let’s make sure no one flips off into oblivion, yeah?

Winners: Cedric Alexander, Lice Dorado, Sin Cara

Hell in a Cell

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Roman Reigns vs. Rusev

United States Championship Hell in a Cell Match

This is one of three main events for the night, and it’s starting off our Hell in a Cell PPV. Hopefully they have a spare cell lying around somewhere for the next two matches, in case these brutes destroy the structure a la Mick Foley and The Undertaker. Who will take the match? No one knows, Roman’s going against a discount Wolverine right now. The power of looking like Wolverine could give Rusev some mystical sort of power boost. It’s anyone’s game!

Winner:  Roman Reigns retains the title – after an oddly kinky/erotic match.

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Bayley vs. Dana Brooke

I can’t help but feel like this match resembles a middle schooler deciding to beat the ever living shit out of a wee little first grader. There’s just something about this dynamic between the two of them. For some reason Bayley’s happiness and cinnamon-roll like demeanor just reminds me of the purest of small children. Can’t imagine why, doubt it’s the bright colors, or the wacky waving…something something something tube men. Then there’s Dana, the arrogant, patronizing woman you want to punch in the face because she’s just so good at making you despise her. AH, storytelling, it’s lovely.

Winner: Bayley

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Big Cass, Enzo Amore vs. Luke Gallows, Karl Anderson

I know that whenever Enzo is in a match, I can look forward to someone picking him up and throwing him around like a blow up doll. Whether that’s his opponent, or his partner, it’s always fun to see him fly. Plus, he does bring me great joy by discussing how generic Karl Anderson is, it’s like talking about every single white boy ever..one white boy to another. What? Where was I? Big Cass made a Larry Bird pun. I can’t, it’s only hour two, they’re too entertaining and it’s draining my energy.

Winners: Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson, YAAAAY! 

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Seth Rollins vs. Kevin Owens

WWE Universal Championship Hell in a Cell Match

I look forward to this match being absolutely absurd and ridiculous. From Kevin’s beautiful quips during the match, to Seth ultimately doing a very, very stupid, death defying stunt. I don’t even know if I can make a joke about this. Oh, maybe I can say something about the former golden child now fighting the new golden boy to redeem his place. Eh…no, it just doesn’t go. Enjoy the second main event of the night!

Winner: Kevin Owens retains the championship….fuck that was a great match.

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TJ Perkins vs. Brian Kendrick

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

After the promo shown for this match up, all I could think about was that Gotye song, Somebody That I Used To Know. Man, sounds like things were pretty tight between these two. Welp. Not no more. Game nerd is about to destroy homeless looking Jesus.

Winner: Brian Kendrick via submission, and now that he’s won I assume he’ll get a haircut.

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The New Day vs. Cesaro, Sheamus

Raw Tag Team Championship Match

I’m so torn on who I want to win. Cesaro is one of my favorite wrestlers…but he’s paired with Sheamus, my favorite wrestler not because I like his abilities but because I love to make dumb jokes about him and his hair….and his ability to shine bright like a diamond on his entrance. Then there’s The New Day, and I adore them as well but they’ve had the titles for so long… alright, I made up my mind. Cesaro can hold both tag team title belts by himself, because he’s the Swiss Superman.

Winners: Cesaro and Sheamus via disqualification, but The New Day retains the titles. Fuck.

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Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte

Raw Women’s Championship Hell in a Cell Match

Finally, the third (and actual) main event of the night! Both women had incredible entrances that suited them so well. They had men CARRYING them and escorting them, far from the usual of women walking their men to the ring. Good, reverse the roles!

I’m ready for them to utterly destroy each other, as the first women to step inside HIAC.  It’s a historic moment for both these ladies, especially Sasha, who gets to do this in her home town.

Winner: Charlotte wins! 

What a pay per view! Every HIAC match was incredible, and as the main event, and the first women’s HIAC match, the ladies killed it! As well as each other, I mean, that was just….god it was brutal. What a match.