Seeing Monday Night Raw: LIVE! (3/20/17)

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Yes that’s right, I in fact saw Monday Night Raw, live, at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York on March 20, 2017.

So let’s get down to it: what was it like?

First of all: it’s kind of amazing. When you finally get through security and spend twenty to thirty minutes looking for your seat because every single usher tells you to go to the next staircase: you finally land in your section. I myself had floor seats, section f5. Just about ten or eleven rows back from the barricade, a little before the WrestleMania sign.

The seats were okay. To be frank it was hard to see any of the action over anyone’s heads. To top it all off, the screen showing the fight was blocked by the lights and was basically far too vertical to watch comfortably. In addition to that people decided they were going to stand on their stupid chairs to get the perfect picture. Yes, thank you assholes who needed to do that; because everyone behind you is clearly seven feet tall and can see over you.

And you can’t teach that. Sorry. Moving on!

It felt like a mediocre episode of RAW. I anticipated crazy twists and turns because it’s two weeks to WrestleMania but I didn’t get any of that. I was also hoping I’d see Seth Rollins (even though people swore he was in the crowd at one point before retreating). However, I got to see my queen Stephanie McMahon live; as well as Triple H, Mick Foley, The Undertaker, and Chris Jericho. The Undertaker’s great, but there’s just something about seeing Chris Jericho live that really feels magical and makes me think “holy shit, am I really here”?

By the way, I mostly went because I really, really wanted to see Cesaro (he’s my favorite wrestler if you somehow haven’t gotten that) and his match ended far too quick for my liking. So…very disappointed.

Let’s talk about the chants.

Yes, there was a scandal recently, and of course Brooklyn had to start their charm. Before the show even began they shouted “We want Paige!” to the tune of “New Day Rocks”. Every single time she or Xavier Woods was on the screen they screamed. They also requested the presence of Brad Maddox, and typically CM Punk. Which still, to this day, is extremely pathetic and makes no sense.

CM Punk is not coming back, and if he is it’s going to be a Bret Hart situation twenty or so years from now where it’s just for a paycheck. Then he’ll probably critique a really great young talent horribly.

Then the sections began to fight. Above me the sides were chanting “That side sucks” at each other. My section retorted with “We got floor seats!”, which prompted them to say “floor seats suck!” in return.

It was super juvenile. During a match no less. Great, but yeah, go women’s wrestling right?

Also the children are probably the worst little smarks I’ve ever seen. Yes, I frequently come in contact with smarks that make me sigh heavily and ever regret joining social media platforms and dabbling into the wrestling fandom but I digress. The child behind me was saying just about every single match sucked, said Roman Reigns couldn’t wrestle (really kid?), and other shitty things I typically see adults say on twitter like Nia being fat or Alicia Fox having a busted face. Way to go, preteen. Already an asshole.

Oh, and on an unrelated note: A Bayley fan sat in front of me. Adorable little girl, really sobbed to hell when Bayley lost.

I laughed, I know it’s cruel but….yeah I cackled.

Something I thought was VERY interesting was the reception to Roman. It was very John Cena like, half the arena loved him, half hated him. At some points, the crowd unanimously booed. However, when Roman geared up for that spear and went for his classic “ooaahhh”, every single person belted it out with him in unison; something I frequently confused with boos while watching at home.

So you can’t ever say that Roman doesn’t connect with the fans.

I also didn’t have an experience with persistent males trying to strike up a conversation with me or ask for my number, unlike the last time I went to a WWE show. I’m not sure if it was because I went with a male, or because my exhausted face screamed “look at me and I will ruin your life”; but it was great.

The show was okay, the atmosphere felt like the stupid part of Twitter coming to life…but, it was nice. I just really need to see SmackDown live or stick to house shows.

 

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Hell in a Cell: Highlights (10/30/2016)

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Allow me to say: this historic “triple main event” business is garbage. You cannot have three main events. The main event is the last match that caps off the show because it’s pretty much the best damn thing you’re supposed to see all night. By saying there’s three main events you’re saying: well in case Sasha vs. Charlotte doesn’t go over well, I’ve got two other matches to fall back on and say THAT was the main event. It’s poop. Hogwash, bullshit.

You don’t say you’re having a “triple season premiere”, that’s ridiculous! Triple main event is just as ridiculous.

Kick Off Match

 

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Cedric Alexander, Lince Dorado, Sin Cara vs. Tony Nese, Drew Gulak, Ariya Daivari

The RAW roster is making good use of their cruiserweight division, and that’s by having the gang open up the show with a flippy-flippy, mega agile, jaw-dropping type of match. Now I like the cruiser weights, and I love fast paced matches like this, but let’s make sure no one flips off into oblivion, yeah?

Winners: Cedric Alexander, Lice Dorado, Sin Cara

Hell in a Cell

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Roman Reigns vs. Rusev

United States Championship Hell in a Cell Match

This is one of three main events for the night, and it’s starting off our Hell in a Cell PPV. Hopefully they have a spare cell lying around somewhere for the next two matches, in case these brutes destroy the structure a la Mick Foley and The Undertaker. Who will take the match? No one knows, Roman’s going against a discount Wolverine right now. The power of looking like Wolverine could give Rusev some mystical sort of power boost. It’s anyone’s game!

Winner:  Roman Reigns retains the title – after an oddly kinky/erotic match.

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Bayley vs. Dana Brooke

I can’t help but feel like this match resembles a middle schooler deciding to beat the ever living shit out of a wee little first grader. There’s just something about this dynamic between the two of them. For some reason Bayley’s happiness and cinnamon-roll like demeanor just reminds me of the purest of small children. Can’t imagine why, doubt it’s the bright colors, or the wacky waving…something something something tube men. Then there’s Dana, the arrogant, patronizing woman you want to punch in the face because she’s just so good at making you despise her. AH, storytelling, it’s lovely.

Winner: Bayley

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Big Cass, Enzo Amore vs. Luke Gallows, Karl Anderson

I know that whenever Enzo is in a match, I can look forward to someone picking him up and throwing him around like a blow up doll. Whether that’s his opponent, or his partner, it’s always fun to see him fly. Plus, he does bring me great joy by discussing how generic Karl Anderson is, it’s like talking about every single white boy ever..one white boy to another. What? Where was I? Big Cass made a Larry Bird pun. I can’t, it’s only hour two, they’re too entertaining and it’s draining my energy.

Winners: Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson, YAAAAY! 

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Seth Rollins vs. Kevin Owens

WWE Universal Championship Hell in a Cell Match

I look forward to this match being absolutely absurd and ridiculous. From Kevin’s beautiful quips during the match, to Seth ultimately doing a very, very stupid, death defying stunt. I don’t even know if I can make a joke about this. Oh, maybe I can say something about the former golden child now fighting the new golden boy to redeem his place. Eh…no, it just doesn’t go. Enjoy the second main event of the night!

Winner: Kevin Owens retains the championship….fuck that was a great match.

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TJ Perkins vs. Brian Kendrick

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

After the promo shown for this match up, all I could think about was that Gotye song, Somebody That I Used To Know. Man, sounds like things were pretty tight between these two. Welp. Not no more. Game nerd is about to destroy homeless looking Jesus.

Winner: Brian Kendrick via submission, and now that he’s won I assume he’ll get a haircut.

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The New Day vs. Cesaro, Sheamus

Raw Tag Team Championship Match

I’m so torn on who I want to win. Cesaro is one of my favorite wrestlers…but he’s paired with Sheamus, my favorite wrestler not because I like his abilities but because I love to make dumb jokes about him and his hair….and his ability to shine bright like a diamond on his entrance. Then there’s The New Day, and I adore them as well but they’ve had the titles for so long… alright, I made up my mind. Cesaro can hold both tag team title belts by himself, because he’s the Swiss Superman.

Winners: Cesaro and Sheamus via disqualification, but The New Day retains the titles. Fuck.

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Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte

Raw Women’s Championship Hell in a Cell Match

Finally, the third (and actual) main event of the night! Both women had incredible entrances that suited them so well. They had men CARRYING them and escorting them, far from the usual of women walking their men to the ring. Good, reverse the roles!

I’m ready for them to utterly destroy each other, as the first women to step inside HIAC.  It’s a historic moment for both these ladies, especially Sasha, who gets to do this in her home town.

Winner: Charlotte wins! 

What a pay per view! Every HIAC match was incredible, and as the main event, and the first women’s HIAC match, the ladies killed it! As well as each other, I mean, that was just….god it was brutal. What a match.

 

The Raw Bits: 9/12/16

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Here are all the bits I liked or I downright despised about Monday Night RAW from September 12, 2016.

Opening Segment

The opening segment featuring: Mick Foley, Sasha Banks,Charlotte, Dana Brooke, and Bayley was fantastic. Charlotte has stepped up her gave as a heel by about several notches and she is thoroughly entertaining. In addition to that: Bayley’s bashfully adorable, Dana’s a ticking time bomb of hate against Charlotte, and Sasha has enough attitude to last her several lifetimes.

My favorite bit would have to be Sasha’s jacket being hurled into Charlotte’s face. Look, she clearly didn’t throw it. All she wanted was for Charlotte to hang it up for her, but instead, for some odd reason Charlotte felt the need to use her own face to do so.

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Sami Zayn & Chris Jericho

I loved this entire segment, mostly because it’s Chris Jericho hyping up his relationship with Kevin Owens and shoving it down Sami Zayn’s throat. It’s like watching the new girlfriend wave her brand new passionate relationship in front of the ex and it’s a beautiful argument that ends in Sami calling Jericho nothing more than Kevin Owens’ bitch.

Clearly Sami is jealous that Kevin never supported him the way Chris supports Kevin, he just wants a loving relationship like JeriKO has!

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Nia Jax Decimates Alicia Fox

My god, she speared her right through the barricade. That’s all you need, she destroyed her, and it was incredible.

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Kevin Owens Putting Seth Rollins In Place

Listen, we all know that Kevin is the new golden boy for Triple H. Seth’s taking Randy’s place as the ginger step child tossed to the side and forgotten and he doesn’t like it. Ya know what I like? Kevin making everything seem so much worse by pointing out to Seth that Triple H no longer supports him. Ah, nothing like getting abandoned by your father.

I’m here for banter between Seth and Kevin, nothing like watching two grown men argue like children and make fun of Seth’s cackling while they’re at it.

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Overall, I’m pretty happy with RAW. Was it a five star event and every waking moment was incredible? Nope, of course not, and I don’t think there’s ever going to be an episode of any show where it’s perfect from start to finish. Start was great, middle was good, finish was awesome! I was more entertained than I was bored throughout the program and that sounds like a win to me.

WWE Battleground 2016 Results (7/24/16)

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Kickoff

The Usos vs. Breezango

Essentially, this match is a set of twins not of the breast variety, against a pair of Zoolander devotees.

Result: The Usos get got and Breezango wins!

Battleground

Charlotte, Dana Brooke vs. Sasha Banks, Mystery Partner

It’s finally revealed! Can Charlotte and Dana overcome Sasha and her mystery partner, now revealed to be Bayley?

Result: Charlotte and Dana Brooke get got because Charlotte tapped out to Sasha Banks. Bayley and Sasha Banks win!

The New Day vs. The Wyatt Family

It’s possible that Bray Wyatt’s hold over Xavier Woods will be what starts the downfall of the longest reigning WWE World Tag Team Champions. That would be horrifying to see the Wyatt family destroy the beacon of positivity within the WWE.

Result: The New Day gets got, The Wyatt Family wins.

Rusev vs. Zack Ryder

WWE United States Championship

I feel the need to point out that Lana’s dressed as though the wedding will happen the second the match is over. I suppose that’s fine, so long as there’s refreshments and stuff. Or tissues, in case Rusev loses.

Result: Zack Ryder gets got, Rusev retains.

Bonus: Mojo Rawley comes out to save his bro from a post-match beat down.

Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn

No matter what the outcome is, these two ex best friends are going to fight forever. Kevin got one over on him last time, but can Sami redeem himself this time around?

Result: Kevin Owens gets got, and Sami Zayn wins

Natalya vs. Becky Lynch

Time for Becky to stand up for herself against yet another friend that turned their back on her. It’s a cruel, cruel world WWE. It destroys friendships every chance it gets.

Result: Becky Lynch gets got, Natalya takes the win

Darren Young vs. The Miz

Intercontinental Championship

Darren Young may have Bob Backlund on his side, but The Miz has Maryse. She’s made him damn near unstoppable since she decided to represent her husband in WWE. Then again Darren’s got newfound confidence in the form of an old white guy that likes to shout!

Result: The Miz gets got via count out, but retains his title.

John Cena, Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. The Club

After this The Club will be split between two brands and will have the ability to expand and draw more members. So even if they do lose, are they really the losers here?

Result: The Club gets got, John Cena, Enzo Amore & Big Cass win

Highlight Reel

Result: It was hilarious.

Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Roman Reigns

WWE World Heavyweight Championship

It’s the Shield triple threat match that’s been decades and centuries in the making. Hot off of a suspension, Roman has a fresh start to prove why he was a three time champion. Seth’s got arrogance on his side to carry him through the match, and Dean is wildly unpredictable.

Result: Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns get got, Dean Ambrose retains!

The WWE World Heavyweight Championship is now on SmackDown, and it’s the beginning of a new era!