SmackDown: Highlights (9/20/16)

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Following up a pretty okay Monday Night RAW, it’s SmackDown’s turn to shine and impress the world. Luckily for them, they don’t have to prepare for a pay per view this Sunday–which could mean they might take it easy and put less effort in being entertaining.

Becky Lynch Destroys

I’m not talking about the destruction by physical means here. Her explaining how she wasn’t born a champion but fought her way to the top was gold and wonderfully inspirational. Top that off with a charming threat of ripping Alexa’s head off and you basically have a recipe for complete success; and possibly a homicide charge.

Bonus: Daniel Bryan sounded like an exhausted teacher with rowdy students the entire time.

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Rhyno & Heath Slater

I never realized that this tag team would amuse me so much, and I’m delighted by the surprise! Heath came up with the most amazing chant in favor of his man beast Rhyno–and we saw Rhyno’s love of cheese and crackers once again take center stage. It was such an incredible moment to be a part of.

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The Fight for the #ICTitle

If you didn’t watch the match I suggest going back to check it out. It’s got everything you could want, pin falls, lying, cheating, unfortunately no thefts (unless you want to get symbolic with it). Plus we get Maryse: the best valet in the business right now. Oh, and if you’re into this: mopey Dolph needing to prove himself. Not my cup of tea, but some really adore the underdog look on him.

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Those were my entertaining highlights for SmackDown. Next week we’ve got a one on one title match between AJ Styles and Dean Ambrose. Hmmm, a title change before No Mercy? Possibly!

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WWE SmackDown: Backlash 2016

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Backlash: SmackDown Brand (9/11/16)

Today we watch the very first SmackDown exclusive pay-per-view, Backlash. Tonight is the first chance for a brand exclusive PPV to shine. Will SmackDown impress viewers, fans and skeptics alike? Or will it lose in the battle of going toe to toe with the Raw brand?

Kickoff

Apollo Crews vs. Baron Corbin

Everyone wants to be the new face that runs the place! According to Baron, Apollo’s get a spelling bee to focus on and shouldn’t even bother being on SmackDown because he’s a nobody. Apollo isn’t sweating it at all, he knows he can spell and can shine.

Winner: Apollo Crews gets got, Baron Corbin wins!

Backlash

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Becky Lynch vs. Natalya vs. Naomi vs. Alexa Bliss vs. Nikki Bella vs. Carmella

Six pack elimination match for the WWE SmackDown Women’s Championship

It’s time to choose the first ever SmackDown brand Women’s champion. There’s plenty of worthy contenders here, all vying for the opportunity to be the female face that runs the place.

Winner: Becky Lynch is the first SmackDown Women’s Champion

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The Usos vs. The Hype Bros

Winners face Heath Slater and Rhyno for the Tag Team Championships.

The Usos get a chance to fight for the tag titles due to American Alpha being out of commission, how unfortunate for them! Now it’s time for The Usos to make the most out of the second opportunity….but, the Hype Bros might be too much to handle.

Winners: Hype Bros get got, The Usos win!

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The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler

For the InterContinental Championship

The Miz has a chance to prove himself against Dolph Ziggler, a man who constantly feels the need to prove himself and like he’s never done enough. Really, Dolph’s stuck in his own head with what everyone says about him, whereas Miz seems to be fully confident and aware of his abilities.

Winner: The Miz retains, and Dolph Ziggler gets got

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Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton

Unfortunately for the WWE Universe, Randy Orton was deemed unable to compete due to injury because Bray Wyatt had jumped him. in reality, the utterly careless Brock Lesnar is the reason for Randy not being cleared to compete. I say we put Brock on an island by himself away from humanity.

Winner: Bray Wyatt, via disqualification.

Don’t worry, we have a great substitute.

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Bray Wyatt vs. Kane

No disqualification

Well, it’s different than assuming a member of the Wyatt family would emerge from the swamp and destroy him. However, I’ll gladly take this nice little surprise!

Example Surprise: Randy Orton entering the ring to hit Bray with an RKO.

Winner: Bray Wyatt gets got with a quick trip to ViperVille. Kane wins!

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The Usos vs. Rhyno , Heath Slater

SmackDown Tag Team Championships

The Usos have taken full advantage of their second chance, and only have Rhyno and Heath Slater in their way. However, Heath desperately needs that above ground pool for his family. With all fifty of his kids watching, hopefully he can pull out the win.

Winners: The Usos get got. Rhyno and Heath Slater are the inaugural SmackDown Tag Team Champions. Now Heath can get that damn pool.

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Dean Ambrose vs. AJ Styles

For the WWE World Championship

This has been quite the heartbreaking feud if either of them plan on having any, or more children. Testicles have been crushed, we’ve learned that AJ doesn’t believe in participation trophies and likes to take tokens from his victims as a reminder of his victories. Serial killer-ish? Yes, which is surprising considering he’s not the man often referred to as the lunatic fringe. Now it’s time for Dean to prove himself against the face that runs the place.

Winner: Dean Ambrose gets got with a low blow, AJ Styles is the new champion!

Something tells me Dean might lose his damn mind on Tuesday, live on SmackDown!

 

 

Toxic Environment Women Face in the Professional Wrestling Fandom (part 2, final)

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Continuing on the theme of pointing out the horrific behavior of some male smarks within the WWE–today I discuss the difference between being an intellectual fan and being a whining brat. These observations mostly come from Twitter interactions with or without my inclusion, primarily during Monday Night RAW or any given PPV.

The difference lies in whether or not you’re a man or woman. If you happen to be a male and that’s blatantly obvious, then you’re simply a smark. If you complain about the show nonstop, gripe about your favorite not being at the top, proclaim that another talent is being buried, then you’re a smart fan. You must know exactly what you’re talking about and clearly have a better understanding than most of those that watch WWE today.

Funny enough, most people proudly wear a smark badge, taking pride in predicting a finish or knowing the trajectory of a wrestler.

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However if you’re a female, that’s seen completely differently. When you do any of the previously mentioned things, you’re usually whining or complaining. The reasons being that you’re upset because the one you find most attractive won’t be seen as much. Or you’re mad because you love them so much and that’s the only reason you want them to be the best there is. Not for talent, because women don’t look for that, it’s only based on their looks.

If a male says Dean Ambrose is being buried, it’s because he actually is getting buried. Yet if a woman were to say it, she’s only saying it because she wants him to be at the top all the time. Why? Because she’s apparently in love with him.

First of all, I don’t think you know what the word “buried” means, but that’s for another day.

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Male smarks rarely if ever get challenged by other males when in discussion. Their intelligence is never called to question nor insulted. Yet when a female does it there’s a constant need for proof and factual information. If possible, a link to a video or interview, and timestamp included down to the last possible second.

Then if there’s a disagreement and no resolution to be made? The female fan is often reduced to her looks, she’s called fat, ugly, or they’ll switch it up. Sometimes instead she’ll be a bitch (because she has an intelligent argument) or a whore (what?) and more often than not the harassment only continues to escalate from there. Reaching unsafe, very real threats that make women not want to talk about wrestling and make this environment feel toxic.

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Yet when two males reach a disagreement, what happens? A quick “whatever bro”, a block, maybe the conversation just ends abruptly.

Male smarks hold an elite standing in the WWE fan community. What they say is gospel, and they are all knowing as though wrestling was made only for them. Women are reduced to being labeled as those that only watch because the males are attractive. Reduced to the ones that don’t actually understand the programming or booking, because they’re women and only watch for looks.

God forbid you, a woman, makes an extremely valid point against a male smark. Their argument changes, and they try to twist and turn it around so that you’re actually the one that misunderstood from the very beginning. Their arguments change so much even Donald Trump is astounded by the sheer bullshit they can pull from behind.

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Panda’s Predictions: Battleground (7/24/16)

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WWE Battleground 2016 is upon us, and it is time to guess who will be the ones to get got, and who will be the ones to rise to the top and leave the match victorious. This is the first ever Panda’s Predictions (it’s a work in progress, but I’m feeling the title so far), and things are going to be interesting to predict considering the WWE Draft that just took place.

Kickoff Match:

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The Usos vs. Breezango

This was just recently added to the card as a spur of the moment match. On one side, you have a set of twins (not breasts) that know how to work perfectly with each other. However, they haven’t really faced their opponents this much and that’s where it gets interesting for them.

Breezango isn’t just a team of two very pretty men: they’re two very pretty men who have been doing quite well and clearly model themselves after the Zoolander films.

Prediction: The Usos get got and Breezango wins

Battleground 2016

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Natalya vs. Becky Lynch

This is just sad, isn’t it?! Everyone turns on Becky, and I still have no idea why Natalya’s so mad or suddenly being the bad girl…but watching them brawl is pretty cool and I can get behind it. Somehow I feel like Becky may finally overcome the bully that Natalya has become.

Prediction: Natalya gets got and Becky Lynch wins

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Chris Jericho’s Highlight Reel with special guest: Randy Orton

Okay, this is supposed to hype up Randy’s SummerSlam match with Brock Lesnar. Fine, I get that. I’m just baffled that they’d still have the match considering that Brock failed his UFC drug tests both the night before and the day of. Setting a poor example for the locker room when you suspend some but not all just because the man is a cash cow and you’ve spent far too much money on him. But what do I know, right?

Prediction: Jericho says something funny.

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Rusev vs. Zack Ryder

For the United States Championship

Is anyone else rooting so hard for Zack Ryder right now? On one hand I can’t help but to feel that they want to keep Rusev as this big indestructible powerhouse. On the other hand, Zack’s the ultimate underdog right now and I want him to win! Maybe he’ll gain the win and send Rusev on a tantrum the likes of which even Kevin Owens and Seth Rollins can’t compete with…right?

Prediction: Rusev gets got and Zack Ryder is the new champion

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The Miz vs. Darren Young

For the Intercontinental Championship

In this instance I love The Miz so, so much. He’s the perfect ,arrogant A-list actor and with Maryse at his side he’s only gotten more entertaining. Then we have Darren who is also starting as the underdog in this match, much like Zack before him.A part of me wants The Miz to carry the belt and continue the hilarity, but…

Prediction: The Miz gets got, Darren Young is the new champion.

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Charlotte, Dana Brooke vs. Sasha Banks, Mystery Partner

Okay, so the mystery partner has to be Bayley. Charlotte will be astonished beyond belief, Dana will be terrified, and together Bayley and Sasha will dominate the match! Right? Please let my hopes and dreams come true, I don’t have many.

Prediction: Bayley is Sasha’s partner, Charlotte and Dana get got. Sasha and Bayley win.

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The New Day vs. The Wyatt Family

There are many levels of concern here, mainly for Xavier Woods. Bray looks like he has this creepy sort of hold developing on this poor young lad, and I don’t know if he can hold off any longer! Sure, they escaped the Compound alive–but they barely managed to do that! Could this be the beginning of a newer, stronger family?

Prediction: The New Day gets got, Wyatt Family wins.

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Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn

I think we all need to come to the conclusion that no matter what happens, they’re going to fight forever.They’ve become a dynamic duo that just can’t stop beating the life out of one another, which would be concerning if this wasn’t professional wrestling. Anyway, I don’t know what to say about this match, it could go anywhere. Hell, it could end in a DQ and we’ll never know where that can take us next.

Prediction: Kevin Owens loses his mind and gets got, Sami Zayn wins.

 

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John Cena, Enzo Amore & Big Cass, vs. The Club

#BeatUpJohnCena

Sorry, couldn’t resist.

A win would be great for Enzo and Big Cass, right? They’re the hot new tag team on the main roster, people would love it if they won. But…people would also love it (or hate it, I can’t tell with crowds these days) if The Club got a win. Now that The Club is split into two rosters, it’s the perfect time for the team to dominate both sides.

Prediction: John Cena,Enzo Amore & Big Cass get got. The Club wins.

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Dean Ambrose vs. Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins

For the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Well damn, we’re finally getting the triple threat we’ve been dying to see since The Shield disbanded. Here’s hoping that there isn’t some freak accident or something that keeps this from happening at Battleground. It would be the equivalent of the universe saying it’s just not meant to be.

We’ve got Roman, coming fresh off of a suspension that may leave him angry and ready to kill just about anyone because of Seth’s constant teasing. Seth’s arrogant and believes the title belongs to him, and Dean…well he’s the wildcard whose proven he can get through anything.

Prediction: Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns get got. Dean Ambrose retains.

That’s all for the prediction post, now we wait until Battleground on July 24th to find out who wins and who gets got.

 

WrestleMania 32: Highlights (4/3/16)

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Finally, WrestleMania is upon us! Already the bar has been set tremendously high from NXT Takeover: Dallas. Can the main roster follow their stellar performance? What oldies but goodies will we see return? Finally, what in the blue hell will the Rock be doing tonight?

Main Card

Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz vs. Stardust vs. Sin Cara vs. Zack Ryder

Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Championship

Geez look how many people are listed for this fight. It’s exhausting just looking at it! Let’s see. We have ladders, contenders we haven’t seen in quite sometime, and the murder bear known as Kevin Owens. Can we say–brutal fight of the century? Almost! There’s several contenders on this card worthy of that title. Yet none of them have a murder bear, which really, every match needs one.

Winner: Zack Ryder–so well deserved. About time.

AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho

AJ Styles, the new hotness, the anticipated phenomenal one will be going against Chris Jericho. The man with the daddy kink. The ayatollah of rock and rollah. The really, really arrogant bastard that throws little fits when he loses or taunts someone and quite frankly–does it all incredibly well.

Winner: Chris Jericho, to everyone’s surprise.

The New Day vs. The League of Nations

The Unicorns against the extremely watered down United Nations. One team will eat cereal, dance, and play music all at once to showcase just how talented they are. The other will hug each other, refer to each other as friends, and even make a mention of going out together to get bevs and some cheeky Nandos. Who will prevail here? The men that start their day right with a great helping of booty, or the men that rely on each other for support and value their friendship more than anything else?

Winners: League of Nations wins.

But wait there’s more!

Enter Shawn Michaels, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Cactus Jack; in their gear and ready to destroy a couple of lads. The legends hit these lads with the mandible claw, sweet chin music, and a stone cold stunner. I no longer care what happens for the rest of the night. I am at bliss.

Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar

No Holds Barred Street Fight

That’s concerning. A no holds barred street fight. With these two psychopaths? Does WWE even want these two to survive after the match is over? Perhaps they want these two men to kill each other, that way Triple H doesn’t have to worry about fighting either of them when it comes to his championship. A very valid strategy if I must say so myself.

Winner:  Brock Lesnar

Triple Threat for the WWE Women’s Championship

Three out of four horsewoman ain’t so bad, is it? It’s actually quite lovely. Although there’s technically a senior horsewoman here, as Ric Flair will be accompanying Charlotte to the ring. We all know that technically, this is Ric’s match as he is the true baddest Diva in the game. However, Charlotte is happy to fight for him. The boss herself Sasha Banks has made it very clear that she’s going to get what she wants. As for Becky, does she have anything to lose? Nope, both of her friends have turned their backs on her. This one is for pride, and to prove the doubters wrong that she is in fact main-roster material.

Winner: Charlotte obtains the new WWE Women’s Championship

Spray Tan O’ Mac vs. The Undertaker

Hell in a Cell

Now if Spray Tan wins, he gets control of RAW and the dead man must retire. Would that be so bad though? It would be healthy for the Undertaker, and as we all know WWE cares very deeply about the health status of their performers. Then again….at what costs? Shane is undoubtedly going to fly a helicopter in and jump off of that onto the Undertaker… Quite frankly, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest to wear a poncho if you’re in the first few rows. That’s going to be a splash zone.

Winner: The Undertaker

André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal 

20 Humans in this Battle Royal

Goodness gracious. Okay, lots of humans here. Not quite as much as the royal rumble but enough to cause one to get a headache while watching it! Tonight’s special entrants: Diamond Dallas Page! Who knows, he might warrior pose his way to victory. We also have Tatanka, what a radical mongoose!

Extra Special Surprise Entrant: Shaquille O’Neal. He towers over everyone. Oh my.

Winner: Baron Corbin from NXT! Schweet

Obligatory segment for The Rock starts here!

Before taking two hours to get to the ring, he first sets a giant ‘Rock’ sign on fire. After the usual bit of hyping the crowd something spectacular happens, he announces Dallas broke the WWE attendance record. Yada yada, celebration stuff.

Bray Wyatt and his two remaining servants enter. Bray says some creepy stuff, Rock reminds him that he looks like a man that hits the bong, is the product of an incestuous relationship, and that Braun was breast fed since he was 26. A spontaneous match ensues where he defeats Rowan in six seconds.

John Cena enters next to help defend his bestie 4 lyfe, Rock. Talk about a surprise return! They beat up the swamp creatures and all is well with the universe.

Triple H vs. Roman Reigns

No DQ for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

I don’t know what happened between Fabio and Jason Mamoa for them to want to have a fight this brutal, but clearly their bad blood runs deep. So deep in fact that even Taylor Swift finds herself thinking ‘whoa, I could write a song about this’.

Winner: Roman Reigns is the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion

That was WrestleMania 32! Next up we wait for RAW. Before that we must all try to be able to fall asleep after that adrenaline inducing event.

Fastlane 2016: Highlights

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Good grief, it’s that time of year again! It’s time for the pay-per-view between the Royal Rumble and WrestleMania. What was once the great Elimination Chamber PPV has now been devastatingly downgraded to Fastlane. To top it off, this year it feels as though roughly half of this PPV was thrown together at the last possible second out of desperation. Is that a recipe for success? Eh, we’ll see. To be honest, it’s not exactly necessary. They can sort of get away with half-assing Fastlane, because the results and Monday Night RAW begin the real build up for Wrestlemania.

Kickoff

Kalisto vs. Alberto Del Rio

There’s a 90% chance I repeat exactly what I said for the Royal Rumble. Why? Because I very responsibly decided not to go back and check to see what I said. Now, the back and forth between these two has been kind of exciting! I can’t remember who has the belt at this point, but I do know that Del Rio has some precious friends to serve as back up. So, who shall win? The endearing Kalisto, or the dirtbag Del Rio?!

United States Championship, 2/3 falls.

Winner: Kalisto retains the US Championship

Fastlane

Sasha  Banks, Becky Lynch vs. Naomi, Tamina

My oh my, this is going to be dramatic. The scorned remnants of Team B.A.D. Tamina and Naomi are up against their former partner (leader, let’s be honest) and her kind of friend Becky Lynch. Becky’s the precious one that’s been wronged by all of her friends but she’s left to trust her partner Sasha, who really hasn’t been too kind to her as of late.Can the unlikely partners defeat the actual team, or will their distrust of each other lead to their downfall?

Winner: Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch win by submission

Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler

Intercontinental Championship

Oh boy oh boy oh boy here we go. Kevin Owens, actual toddler, finally has his shiny golden belt back! Dolph Ziggler, actual man-whore who believes he’s a rockstar, does not have the belt. To be frank, he probably has more of a claim over that belt than Kevin considering how many times he’s held it. Yet…he’s more of an adult about it! Well in comparison at least. Now Dolph somehow always holds the title, but Kevin is extremely stubborn…so who will win?

Winner: Kevin Owens retails the championship

Kane, Big Show, Ryback vs. The Wyatt Family

Honestly what can I even say about this match? The Wyatt Family has destroyed each of these people individually, and they’ll destroy them in a team. I can’t even joke about this! They’re all just thrown together because there was nothing planned at all! To top it all off, Kane has gone from the Big Red Machine to the Big Red Joke. That’s no way to live!

Winners: Big Show, Kane, Ryback–to EVERYONE’S surprise.

Charlotte vs. Brie Bella

Diva’s Championship

See this is charming. Out of nowhere Brie’s suddenly in the title picture. Charlotte of course has welcomed her by talking about her injured husband and telling Brie to go home and make some goat faced vegan babies. Delicious.  After those two spoke for what felt like 2 hours, we finally get this match up where Brie will do everything in her power to emulate her husband.

Winner: Charlotte retains the championship

AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho

Chris Jericho is doing the honors of welcoming AJ Styles to the WWE. Jericho’s been there man, he’s wrestled around the world, and he’s certainly wrestled in Japan. He knows exactly how AJ feels going from one promotion to another, and sometimes you just need a friend to ease you into that transition. Really, Chris is just doing AJ a favor! Should he throw a tantrum upon losing, well…you know, that’s just a bonus! Depending on who you are, of course.

Winner: AJ Styles….but how is either man still alive after that match?

The Cutting Edge Peep Show

With the New Day

No words can describe the magic between these two teams. Really, I couldn’t do it justice, it’s must see tv.

Then it got to the point where you realized it was just a cheap plug for their new show and nothing extraordinary was happening, ah well. Still funny!

R-Truth vs. Curtis Axel

What in the blue hell? This quite literally came out of nowhere. Not sure why this happened, but uh….R-Truth was game! One man with three partners, he was willing to do it all by himself without asking for help. The man deserves some credit for that! Unfortunately for him, Goldust decided to come out and attempt to save the day. It didn’t work.

Winner: Curtis Axel

Roman Reigns vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar

Triple Threat Match for the #1 Contendership to the WWE WHC

Oh boy. Okay, there’s far too much to say about this and too little coffee in the world for me to tackle the situation. So let’s just go about it this way. I forgot why Brock is even in the title match to begin with. Probably some storyline stuff that I forgot (I have lots of work to do, okay? Cut me some slack). Roman’s in because for some reason he doesn’t get a rematch clause. Dean is in because….Stephanie said so! Right? Yeah that sounds about right.

Any who, it’s the beast, against two brothers. Now, we’ve already had the brother’s relationship put to the test over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. BUT..will this be the straw that breaks the camel’s back?

Winner: Roman Reigns wins…obviously.

Bonus: Triple H enters and gives Roman a round of applause, how sweet!

Yeah nothing significant happened. This was a weird ending…I’m not too pleased.

Royal Rumble 2016: Highlights

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Ah the Royal Rumble. An event where even though it’s usually a one-versus-all type scenario, has been explicitly stated to be one-versus-all this time around. Why? Well simply put: because Roman Reigns will be defending his WWE World Heavyweight Championship against 29 other contenders. Some say nay, the thought of booing Roman out of yet another rumble making their special parts tingle with glee. Others cheer the thought of Roman showcasing having such a hard time in order to prove to others why he’s the one holding that belt, finding themselves in love with such an uphill battle. And for some? Well, some just want to watch the world burn. Or see who gets eliminated in under a second this time around.

Kickoff

Mark Henry, Jack Swagger vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. Damien Sandow, Darren Young vs. The Ascension

Fatal 4-Way Tag Team Match

Winning team qualifies for the Royal Rumble, how sweet.

I know what you’re thinking. Golly gee this is an odd match up. There’s one actual tag team, another tag team that’s been made a mockery of, and two groups of mis-matched confusion. Yes, yes I concur with all of your thoughts. That my dear readers is what happens when you have nothing planned for any of them. So who will win? The seasoned tag team veterans? Henry and Swagger who….I mean…they’re big guys! Or will it be Young and Sandow? Perhaps it might be The Ascension, a team whom I completely forgot were in the match up, my apologies.

Winner: Mark Henry and Jack Swagger

Royal Rumble

Dean Ambrose vs. Kevin Owens

Last Man Standing Match for the Intercontinental Championship

Quite frankly this match is a little bit concerning. You have Kevin Owens, the petulant child who will stop at nothing to get his title back. He’s brutal, and doesn’t give a damn what he does to his opponent. Then there’s our champion Dean Ambrose. This man has an outstanding lack of self-preservation skills that certainly warrant a few special psychotherapy visits. Someone’s going to be left in shambles tonight, and how they’ll make it into the rumble at all is beyond me.

Winner: Dean Ambrose retains the title!

The Usos vs. The New Day

Tag Team Championship Match

You know, I’m not quite sure how New Day can carry on tonight. They’re suffering a great loss considering the brutal murder of Francesca by Chris Jericho. Perhaps they’ll debut her twin brother Francisco… but still! This is a very hard time for them and the Usos should be considerate of their loss! Well, the Usos who somehow got the Slammy award for Tag Team of the year are going to fight for those titles and perhaps actually be tag team champions. Will the Unicorn Squad take this one for Francesca? Or will the Usos take advantage of the pain of loss?

Just kidding, they’ve got Francesca 2!

Winner: The New Day retain their titles!

Alberto Del Rio vs. Kalisto

For the United States Championship

This is absolute a David vs Goliath and his misfit friends story. Kalisto makes you want to root for him. He’s the total underdog here, the little engine that could! He wins the title and then what happens? On SmackDown he loses his title because Del Rio cheated, letting him take that title right back. Vengeance must be had! Yet can Kalisto overcome the bully?

Winner: Kalisto gets his title back! 

Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte

Diva’s Championship Match

This is going to be a match to tug at the heartstrings. Charlotte and Becky were best friends! They came up to the main roster together! They were in the not-really-a-revolution Diva’s revolution! Yet now Charlotte has turned her back on Charlotte, becoming more and more like her treacherous father. Becky’s been hurt, backstabbed by those she called family. Now it’s her time to enact sweet, sweet revenge.

Winner: Charlotte retains the title!

SURPRISE: Sasha Banks, the Boss makes her way to the ring after Charlotte’s win. Once the rings are properly disposed off, down goes Becky and later, Charlotte too finds her demise.

30 Man Royal Rumble

For the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Oh dear. Well, like I said before. The one-versus-all match is really one-versus-all. It was reinforced, so now it’s really important and driving the point home. So what twists and turns and surprise entrants lie ahead?

Here’s the fellows that matter!

1) Roman Reigns

I’m sure Roman is so thankful to be in the number one spot.

2)Rusev

Pft, this will be easy.

3) Aj Styles

Introducing the phenomenal one….oh boy, this crowd will not have Roman winning after that. He’s so calm and collected he’s just walking down there. No stress at all.

6) Chris Jericho

Because he’s a damn legend. Damn it.

7) Kane

Because he’s also a legend, and I love him.

8) Goldust

He’s the bizarre one, how can I not?

12) R-Truth

Why is this special? Because he put a damn ladder in the middle of the ring and reached up for the championship. Who told him this was a ladder match?! 

Big E catches Kofi from being eliminated and has his unicorn brother sit on his shoulders to save him. Wow. Amazing, at least this gives him time to have a drink with the fans. Cola is so refreshing.

Vince McMahon has the League of Nations come out to pull Roman to the apron and brutalize him. Well that’s not nice, also fairly certain that’s cheating. Though it is sweet revenge for Rusev.

18) Kevin Owens

I feel like I need to give him credit for limping to the ring and going after Aj Styles right off the bat and eliminating him.

19) Dean Ambrose

At least he had an easier time walking to the ring.

20) Sami Zayn

Kevin Owens is NOT having a good night. Plus he gets eliminated by Sami? Oh dear.

22) Mark Henry

You earned it man who may retire soon. You earned it.

23) Brock Lesnar

…Eh. We all know the entire stadium wants him to win just so Roman doesn’t.

25) The Miz

Why is this notable? Because he went to hang out with the announcers in Mizney World. It’s a valid strategy, it keeps him alive longer!

26) Bray Wyatt

Bray very wisely had his minions stay around the ring, so that when he entered they could hold Brock for him. Such a good strategy! Especially since it actually worked to eliminate Brock. Huh, I’m shocked.

Reigns rejoins the rumble in the middle of Sheamus’ entrance.

30) Triple H

This pleases me greatly. Time for some sweet revenge. Me thinks Triple H did not like getting beaten senseless in front of his wife. These two are livid, having a showdown with one another where each is attacked and yet they dispose of them quickly with their finishers. 

Triple H eliminates Roman Reigns, leaving him alone with Dean Ambrose

Winner: Triple H wins the Royal Rumble and is the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion

Well, I’m sure Vince is pleased his son-in-law is the new winner! Stephanie sure is over the moon elated. Alas, I don’t think Roman is pleased. Plus Dean was so close to winning….RAW is going to be interesting for sure.