Fastlane 2016: Highlights

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Good grief, it’s that time of year again! It’s time for the pay-per-view between the Royal Rumble and WrestleMania. What was once the great Elimination Chamber PPV has now been devastatingly downgraded to Fastlane. To top it off, this year it feels as though roughly half of this PPV was thrown together at the last possible second out of desperation. Is that a recipe for success? Eh, we’ll see. To be honest, it’s not exactly necessary. They can sort of get away with half-assing Fastlane, because the results and Monday Night RAW begin the real build up for Wrestlemania.

Kickoff

Kalisto vs. Alberto Del Rio

There’s a 90% chance I repeat exactly what I said for the Royal Rumble. Why? Because I very responsibly decided not to go back and check to see what I said. Now, the back and forth between these two has been kind of exciting! I can’t remember who has the belt at this point, but I do know that Del Rio has some precious friends to serve as back up. So, who shall win? The endearing Kalisto, or the dirtbag Del Rio?!

United States Championship, 2/3 falls.

Winner: Kalisto retains the US Championship

Fastlane

Sasha  Banks, Becky Lynch vs. Naomi, Tamina

My oh my, this is going to be dramatic. The scorned remnants of Team B.A.D. Tamina and Naomi are up against their former partner (leader, let’s be honest) and her kind of friend Becky Lynch. Becky’s the precious one that’s been wronged by all of her friends but she’s left to trust her partner Sasha, who really hasn’t been too kind to her as of late.Can the unlikely partners defeat the actual team, or will their distrust of each other lead to their downfall?

Winner: Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch win by submission

Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler

Intercontinental Championship

Oh boy oh boy oh boy here we go. Kevin Owens, actual toddler, finally has his shiny golden belt back! Dolph Ziggler, actual man-whore who believes he’s a rockstar, does not have the belt. To be frank, he probably has more of a claim over that belt than Kevin considering how many times he’s held it. Yet…he’s more of an adult about it! Well in comparison at least. Now Dolph somehow always holds the title, but Kevin is extremely stubborn…so who will win?

Winner: Kevin Owens retails the championship

Kane, Big Show, Ryback vs. The Wyatt Family

Honestly what can I even say about this match? The Wyatt Family has destroyed each of these people individually, and they’ll destroy them in a team. I can’t even joke about this! They’re all just thrown together because there was nothing planned at all! To top it all off, Kane has gone from the Big Red Machine to the Big Red Joke. That’s no way to live!

Winners: Big Show, Kane, Ryback–to EVERYONE’S surprise.

Charlotte vs. Brie Bella

Diva’s Championship

See this is charming. Out of nowhere Brie’s suddenly in the title picture. Charlotte of course has welcomed her by talking about her injured husband and telling Brie to go home and make some goat faced vegan babies. Delicious.  After those two spoke for what felt like 2 hours, we finally get this match up where Brie will do everything in her power to emulate her husband.

Winner: Charlotte retains the championship

AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho

Chris Jericho is doing the honors of welcoming AJ Styles to the WWE. Jericho’s been there man, he’s wrestled around the world, and he’s certainly wrestled in Japan. He knows exactly how AJ feels going from one promotion to another, and sometimes you just need a friend to ease you into that transition. Really, Chris is just doing AJ a favor! Should he throw a tantrum upon losing, well…you know, that’s just a bonus! Depending on who you are, of course.

Winner: AJ Styles….but how is either man still alive after that match?

The Cutting Edge Peep Show

With the New Day

No words can describe the magic between these two teams. Really, I couldn’t do it justice, it’s must see tv.

Then it got to the point where you realized it was just a cheap plug for their new show and nothing extraordinary was happening, ah well. Still funny!

R-Truth vs. Curtis Axel

What in the blue hell? This quite literally came out of nowhere. Not sure why this happened, but uh….R-Truth was game! One man with three partners, he was willing to do it all by himself without asking for help. The man deserves some credit for that! Unfortunately for him, Goldust decided to come out and attempt to save the day. It didn’t work.

Winner: Curtis Axel

Roman Reigns vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar

Triple Threat Match for the #1 Contendership to the WWE WHC

Oh boy. Okay, there’s far too much to say about this and too little coffee in the world for me to tackle the situation. So let’s just go about it this way. I forgot why Brock is even in the title match to begin with. Probably some storyline stuff that I forgot (I have lots of work to do, okay? Cut me some slack). Roman’s in because for some reason he doesn’t get a rematch clause. Dean is in because….Stephanie said so! Right? Yeah that sounds about right.

Any who, it’s the beast, against two brothers. Now, we’ve already had the brother’s relationship put to the test over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. BUT..will this be the straw that breaks the camel’s back?

Winner: Roman Reigns wins…obviously.

Bonus: Triple H enters and gives Roman a round of applause, how sweet!

Yeah nothing significant happened. This was a weird ending…I’m not too pleased.

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The IWC: Too Much Power…

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The IWC (Internet Wrestling Community) is quite good at starting movements. From the rise of Daniel Bryan to the Diva’s Revolution. However, do these movements actually work? Does the IWC have too much power? Shall their power be used for good, or for pure unadulterated evil?

Originally posted on Smark N Mark. To read the full article, please click here.

Why the Diva’s Revolution Pisses People Off

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#GiveDivasAChance

There was a time when the WWE Universe was vying for a change within the Divas division of the main roster.

Okay, thats an understatement. The Divas, the fans, everyone and their mothers were hoping for a change. They wanted the main roster to be more like NXT. Long matches that showcased their magnificent wrestling abilities, as well as storylines that people cared about.

Shockingly enough, people are tired of catty women slapping each other around. They’re tired of insults concerning their looks, the brands they decide to wear, whether they’re preppy or geeky–it’s horrible.It demeans the women, and you’d think that with all the care they put out into make the program PG, they’d have more care in what they’re writing.

We’ve got bad guys, the stereotypical villain that kids know not to emulate because he’s wrong. Unless you know…you really do want to be bad. We’ve got heroes that send great messages of friendship and triumph, and conquering your fears and the bully keeping you down. Tales of the underdog succeeding.

Then we have the women’s division. Slapping each other and putting the other one down like a dreadful episode of Degrassi. It angers everyone. Ah yes, that clearly takes up a lot of brain power.

The point of the “Diva’s Revolution” was completely missed. Yes, the likes of Sasha Banks, Charlotte, and Becky Lynch were added to the main roster to showcase their abilities, but not to be thrown into repetitive tag matches that never change.

People didn’t want them to be brought up just to have them there. People wanted them to be incorporated, to lead the revolution.  People wanted them to work with the current Divas on the roster–all of them–not just the ones that have been highlighted and already dominating the show.

Why isn’t Natalya a part of this? Why is she being reduced to a valet or comical opponent of Torito? Why is Tamina always the one taking the loss, or Naomi being brushed aside for a title run? Summer Rae and Lana bicker and fight over their boyfriends all the time–and the only time we see Cameron is on Total Divas.

This Revolution pisses everyone off because it’s exactly what it was never meant to be. Cat fights, the same old matches done over and over again with overly-predictable outcomes. Is there a story at all? No. Is anyone actually going for the title, or just settling for whining about who’s better and trying to put the other one down?

It’s the latter, in case you haven’t noticed. Although crowds definitely have. The Brooklyn crowd from Monday Night RAW post-SummerSlam noticed, and boy did they voice their discontent. Disrespectful? Yes, absolutely, but it’s also pointing out the fact that people are tired of the same old, catty garbage.

There will be no change with the Diva’s Revolution until the powers that be realize that pathetic, middle school drama should be left for ABC Family. It’s exhausting, for both viewers and for the athletes busting their asses day in and day out…and for what?

To be shoved to the side? To be reduced to a clique fighting with another?

Oh no, something has to change, for good.

Battleground: HOLY CRAP (7/19/15)

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Battleground! Time for the PPV that was…well….really not that hyped up at all. In the beginning everything seemed great but it just fell apart and went stale. All we can hope is that the matches and the outcomes can make up for the very “meh” lead up.

5 week buildup = not the best

But first….the kick off show.

Kick Off

King What’s Up vs. King Barrett

Yeah. R-Truth is calling himself King What’s Up. That is definitely a thing. Alright, well….I mean, I guess it’s not the worst King title to have. Uh, at least we have to look forward to Truth bouncing around like a weird bunny trying to twerk, and Barrett stealing Truth’s catch phrase.

Plus there was that beautiful commercial right in the middle. Wow, just…A+ everyone.

In the end, King Barrett wins! All hail the King, or if we’re playing a Halo match, hail to the King.

See what I did there? It’s a game reference.

Battleground

Sheamus vs. Randy Orton

Ah, revenge for the millionth time! Now, I believe this time it’s Randy that has a bone to pick, right? You know what, assuming that he gets passed Sheamus’ blinding entrance, I’m sure he’ll be just fine!

Sheamus was kicked directly in the left tit. I hope he’s not lactating.

Randy Orton took the win, even after his legs nearly snapped in half because of Sheamus’ submission hold.

New Day vs. Prime Time Players

Tag Team Championship

Good god almighty, this match starts off rather quickly between Darren and Kofi. The two go at it like a couple of snakes trying to wrap around each other. Actually, it only starts off that way after New Day preaches about winning and victory and all that crap for a good, long while.

I do love Titus’ face every time someone slaps him. It really screams “Bitch did you just–? OH hell no”, then of course he proceeds to slap the person around like a rag doll. Then we have Xavier calling out moves of his opponents with commentary such as “worst leg drop ever”! He’s so mouthy it’s hysterical.

According to Xavier, Big E has some serious tricep meat. Alright, that’s one way to refer to it!

With a powerful slam, Titus pins Big E for the win. Thus meaning the Prime Time Players retain their titles!

Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt

Oh dear, now this has to be intense. Roman has a lot of pent up rage for Bray that has to come out. The man cost him the briefcase at Money in the Bank, threatened his child, stalks him…he’s basically become a super obsessed fan girl in a dangerous way. Alright fine, dangerous is a light way to put it. I hope there’s a straight jacket available for after the match, regardless of who wins. That man needs to be put in a psych ward.

The way Bray sits in the ring is almost like he’s saying, “Come sit between my legs, so that I may braid your glorious mane.”

Roman slapped Bray so damn hard Bray rolled right out of the ring. Bray slapped him back, but it wasn’t quite as explosive. Hell, Roman threw him so hard into the barricade it moved. That’s pure rage….and strength, but there has to be rage somewhere in there to. When Bray took control of the match, he started to get very cheeky! Sticking his butt out, praising the sky (most likely a swamp god), and even doing some funky little shuffle around in the ring. Bray….just….whatever, carry on weirdo.

You know, one doesn’t realize how frightening it is for Bray to clap two chairs together until he does it and seems to enjoy it way too much.

SUDDENLY HARPER!

A ‘hooded man’ (definitely Luke Harper) attacked Roman Reigns at ringside. The added assistance led to Bray beating Roman.

Don’t you love it when families reconnect?

Charlotte vs. Sasha Banks vs. Brie Bella

Diva’s Triple Threat Match

I love that Nikki was going to fight but decided she couldn’t handle the boss and the woman who’s stylin’ and profilin’. So why not sacrifice your sister to two of the queens of NXT, right?

Sasha strung Brie and Charlotte up on the ropes and just stomped right through them–good god I’m in pain just watching that. Sasha takes charge rather early on and absolutely dominates the two women for quite some time, until Charlotte is able to show the universe just why she’s genetically superior.

Really though, that neck breaker she did to Sasha was beautiful.

Brie manages to hold her own against the two divas as well, running around like her husband, nailing both divas left and right. Her kicks of course would make any goat man proud, and hurt, very painfully. However, Brie Mode can only last so long.

Now what kind of big ol’ triple threat match up between three teams would this be if every single person did what they were supposed to do? Exactly, not one at all. Of course everyone gets involved, splashes, drop kicks–everyone somehow becomes a victim to some diva brutality and it’s wonderful.

Brie wisely taps out to the figure eight, leaving Charlotte victorious by submission!

Holy hell what a match!

Kevin Owens vs. John Cena

United States Championship

Aw, poor Kevin Owens returning to the ring once again–this time without his championship. Ouch what a bummer. I can’t imagine how that feels. All that talk and yet now he’s lost his belt….well, you tried.

Cena of course needs to keep everyone entertained with the new moves he’s been executing. Yes, that means Cena jumping off of the top rope which is rarely ever seen. However, the start of the match is nothing we haven’t seen before, as these two have gone toe to toe several times now.

You know what was awesome though? Kevin catching Cena in mid-air and countering with the pop up power bomb.

It’s pretty predictable, though. Yes, the two have great chemistry together and put on wonderful matches…but we know what’s going to happen. They’ll kick out of each other’s finishers, do the others moves to mock them…countless near-pins. We all know what’s coming!

Surprisingly, Owens taps out to Cena’s submission, leaving Super Cena to retain the title.

The Miz vs. The Microphone

I really, really want MIz’s grey sweater. Seriously if I wore that with a tank and leggings then I would be set! Honestly, I’d wear it better than he would.

Alright in all seriousness, Miz’s match is postponed and he’s just throwing a massive hissy fit. Ryback is too afraid to mess with him because Miz is apparently the toughest man in the WWE….ah yes, definitely. That’s absolutely the case.

In other news, Big Show walks to the ring, knocks Miz out, and promptly leaves. Knocked his pants halfway down his legs….that’s….Miz, what do you think a drawstring is for?

Seth Rollins vs. Brock Lesnar

WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Oh dear. The golden boy versus the beast that he has been poking and prodding at with a stick. This entire build up does not bode well for Seth, even if he is the future of the WWE. He has no back up either. No demon, no hobbits….but you know what? He’s a crafty little ninja, he’ll figure something out.

It actually takes awhile for Brock to begin his two moves of doom strategy. Seth does a fine job of running away like a bat out of hell, as well as holding on to ropes for dear life to keep Brock from flinging him around. Overall? I am in pain, and feel terrible watching this.

Seth grabbed his title and tried to flee, but Brock cleared the barricade like a god damn gazelle running from a cheetah. Naturally, he brought Seth back to the ring to receive his punishment–and he was way too happy about that.

On the bright side, Paul Heyman is at ringside keeping count. Hey, at least we know he knows how to count.

Surprisingly, Seth’s able to gain some leverage! All it took was one counter, and Brock was quickly taken down with a countless number of kicks. Hell, Seth kicked him out of the ring! Someone’s doing extremely well against the beast incarnate and actually living up to all that trash talk he did.

HOLY BALLS OF HELL IT’S THE UNDERTAKER

THE DEAD MAN HAS RISEN.

Brock Lesnar and Undertaker, staring each other down in the ring. Brock swore he had taken care of him but now…now he looks petrified. Taker easily countered Brock’s attempt at an F5..and well…

The Dead Man showed him who was the boss. A choke slam, a beautiful, nostalgic tombstone…this is blissful.

Honestly, the look on Heyman’s face, I’m surprised that man even stayed there to watch his client get destroyed.

Brock Lesnar has officially been evicted from Suplex City and relocated to Death Valley.

The build up to Battleground? Eventually, yes, it got stale. But the end result? Absolutely beautiful. In addition, Seth keeps the belt, Brock still looks like a beast, and he goes on to thoroughly regret ever breaking the streak!

SmackDown: Same Ol’ Thing (7/9/15 Highlights)

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Welcome back to SmackDown Highlights, where the content of this post will probably be scarce and slightly disappointing due to the content of SmackDown being scarce in entertainment, therefore slightly disappointing. While I do try to make up for this with sarcastic remarks and the occasional obscure reference, one can only do so much.

Highlights

Seth: Brock Lesnar is a coward.

I always enjoy listening to Seth come up with new ways each and every time he’s on my TV about how he’s going to get Brock Lesnar to kill him. Last time it was Brock being Paul Heyman’s bitch. Today it’s him being a coward. Right on dude.

Dean simply toying with Bo Dallas during his match.

To be fair, I’d mess with Bo too. How can anyone take a sarcastic, giant man-baby seriously?

Jojo said Rusev comes from Walgaria.

So that means his best friends and or possibly distant relatives are Waluigi and Wario, right?

Jimmy Uso can’t be bothered to help Roman Reigns

Seriously, Roman gets hit with sister Abigail and all he can do is say “watch out Uce” in the calmest voice humanly possible? Eesh, what a great cousin.

Randy Orton shuts up The Ascension

Thank. God.

Seth Rollins looks utterly pathetic.

He was the big man on campus when it came to facing off against Dean Ambrose, swearing he could do everything on his own and doesn’t need anyone. Yet now he tries to leave a match against Ryback? Good grief. This man is a hot mess.

In Summary: history repeats itself on SmackDown. That’s it. That’s the show.

SmackDown: You’re Not Missing Much (7/2/15)

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Seriously I’m still reeling from the fact that I haven’t had a PPV yet. Oh, and that yet another month has been free on the Network. This is about half the year at this point isn’t it? Also, what is this intro music that’s happening? It’s this weird tropical summer thing and I feel like this may be One Direction. That’s not Justin Bieber, but I almost feel like they’re trying to say something about Seth Rollins.

Okay, there aren’t many highlights down below. SmackDown just wasn’t having a good night.

Highlights

Jamie Noble had something inappropriate on his Apple watch.

Seth tried to hide it for him, but we all know what he was doing.

Bray Wyatt slamming Dean Ambrose spine first onto the barricade.

Ouch, that was brutal….but you know, what’s wrestling without some ridiculous brutality, right?

Jimmy Uso going crazy on commentary.

Good grief, how many times did this man say shell-shock? Too many to count, but he seemed too amused by himself, which in turn was quite amusing.

Bray taunting Roman by mentioning how he couldn’t protect Dean Ambrose.

Okay this is just WONDERFUL. Bray’s getting so personal with this feud and it’s just magic. Psychotic Bray Wyatt pulling and picking at everything that Roman stands for and those that are close to him. This is so beautiful. Bray is saving SmackDown right now with the cruel threat he issues to Roman.

Fan Shouting: Aw no Rusev No!

I feel the same way buddy. I too was team Rusev and Lana. Rusev and Summer Rae is just…it’s not the same.

Seth Rollins flipping up a turnbuckle.

Good grief, if that’s what happens when you’re hit by Roman Reigns then someone remind me never to anger that man.

Roman and Dean sacrificing Joey Mercury.

Like the little sacrificial lamb he is. Hey, that’s what happens when you decide to work for Seth Rollins. He should have known that at some point he’d be left for dead. It’s all his fault quite honestly.

Well, SmackDown happened. Seemed a little lackluster, though I suppose one can blame that on half the roster being gone for the event in Tokyo. The good news is–there was great product placement for the Apple watch. The bad news is, most people can’t afford to buy that watch. Come on Seth, you’re such a giving man. Just let a helicopter drop a bunch of boxes of those things onto the WWE Universe. Whoever can catch one and not get a concussion from getting hit in the head with a box gets to keep it!

Wow you can tell the PPV withdrawals are setting in.

RAW: Bray Wyatt Stole the Night (Highlights 6/22/15)

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Ah, Monday Night RAW! I’m sure everyone is jumping up and down with uncontrollable excitement, waiting to see Brock Lesnar pummel Seth Rollins. Let’s be honest now, that’s probably not going to happen until the end of the night, but hey, I’m no mind reader.

So for now, everyone will have to settle for my little bag o’ highlights leading up to the imminent doom.

Oh I was wrong, Brock Lesnar started off the night.

Well, this is awkward. Please don’t run me out of town for that failure of a prediction.

Michael Cole’s absolute fear of Brock Lesnar

Jumping up to get as far away from the beast as possible when all Brock wants to do is approach the table and issue an apology. Honestly, it’s really rude of Michael. You don’t have to forgive him, but just acknowledge that he apologized!

Or…apologize to him for not wanting to accept his apology, and then get uh…manhandled as though he was Brock’s little brother with a little noogie. So precious.

Seth wanting to get the band back together…

…pulling the ‘family’ card so he could get Kane to help him when the time comes for him to face Brock Lesnar. See what happens when you do all that trash-talking Seth? You screw yourself over.

Big E angrily eating vegetables.

Really, who angrily eats vegetables as they watch the new tag team champions have a match? That’s so weird, and strange, and I’m wondering when greens suddenly became a rage-fueling vegetable.

But more importantly–was that a celery stalk? Lettuce? I couldn’t get quite a good look at his snack, but Michael Cole said it was celery and I will listen to everything he says ever because he is never wrong and never makes a single mistake.

Roman’s “bitch really?” face when Sheamus tries to keep him from even entering the ring.

That man is not having any of it. He has much bigger problems up his non-existent sleeves than Sheamus trying to be cheap and keep him from getting in the ring. What nerve!

Roman Reigns did something and I don’t know what to call it!

But he did it to Sheamus, what was it, a running…elbow drop? I don’t know what to call it except for beautiful. He splattered Sheamus all over the announce table. So painful, so great.

Bray Wyatt distracting Roman during his match

With a tea party! Talking to a rocking chair, pretending that Roman’s tiny human was there. This forced Roman to vacate the ring and run back there to save his little human.

That was absolutely horrible and clearly Bray needs a psych evaluation.

But it was awesome!

Bray Wyatt you’re disturbing.

So he lures Roman backstage, only for Roman to find a very disturbing shrine consisting of Roman’s face several dozen times with the eyes and mouth cut out of every picture.

This is so incredibly disturbing and awful, and this is the greatest thing ever.

What? I’ve never claimed to be normal.

John Cena speaking French, Chinese(??? alright, I don’t think Chinese is a language), and Indiana Americana.

Just another bit of Super Cena trying to further show that he is the WWE’s Superman by mirroring his ‘omnilingualism’ ability. Nice, man.

That Random ‘Tough Enough Series Premiere’ screen cap during backstage interviews.

Really, poor JoJo and Ryback lost five seconds of their faces gracing the screens all around the world because of a technical error. Well this just goes to show you, Tough Enough is more important than this title run.

Big Show says he’s a big man and Ryback’s a little boy.

….

Excuse me, that’s so creepy! That’s more disturbing than what Bray Wyatt is doing!

Rusev throwing a tantrum seeing Dolph and Lana kiss.

He tauntrum-ed so hard, he fell to the floor.

That’s so amazing.

Green screen of death during Authority’s promo.

Really? Someone’s gonna get fired…

Seth: I patterned my in-ring style after you guys!

Seth, as he apologizes to the hobbits.

This is just golden.

Seth: Dinosaurs are extinct and you’re alive and well! Kane you’re like a fine wine man you just, you get better with age.

Is he serious right now? Yes. Yes he’s so very, very serious. What a time to be alive.

Brock Lesnar destroyed everyone.

Seth Rollins visited suplex city along with Kane.The hobbits were taken out almost immediately. Overall, a bad time to be a part of the Authority.

That is until Seth and Kane team up and deliver a vicious beat down to Brock Lesnar. The invincible beast has been taken down several notches and it’s unsettling. All the while Paul Heyman is simply watching.

Let’s be realistic here. This is plan B. Plan B is Seth Rollins becoming a Paul Heyman guy. Paul wants someone new, someone fresh, and the future of the WWE is a wise choice.

Aside from that, I really hope come SmackDown I get to see more psychotic Bray Wyatt, it’s the best.