Damn It, Roman!

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Ah man….Roman Reigns. I know, I know. I talk about this guy a lot. But I mean, how can I not? Everyone talks about him!

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His fans? They talk about him. There’s social media accounts dedicated to him because of how much they love him. His haters? Hell they can’t stop talking about him. They too have social media accounts dedicated to getting Roman fired. There’s petitions about it, about him, people boo him out of the building. Good grief, Roman Reigns is forever a trending topic in the online world of professional wrestling/sports entertainment.

Right now we seem to be at a sour spot for countless fans out there. So far, it’s been said that The Undertaker’s last match was in fact his match against Roman Reigns at WrestleMania 33. This is seen as a problem for many. Yes, a lot of it has to do with the fact that none of us can fathom the fact or are willing to accept that The Undertaker is retired. Instead he should quite literally be immortal and wrestle for all eternity, but that’s a whole other issue.

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The issue is that the person that was his final opponent was Roman Reigns. Now while this is seen as going out in a classic way: passing the torch to the younger guy to carry the company; the issue is who the torch was passed to. The fact that it’s Roman bothers many, but personally? I’m not completely bothered by it. Mostly because the match itself was horrifying. It’s clear that Taker should in no way have been wrestling, and he clearly cannot go anymore. The man’s body is in no physical condition to do this, hence the absolute slaughter that we witnessed.

To be frank, his last match should have been with Brock Lesnar when the streak ended. He should not have wrestled after that, as he clearly hasn’t been the same. It’s been like watching your grandfather try to fight a spry young man in the prime of his life while he himself is on his last leg. It’s awful, and it’s downright painful to my soul.

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Now, should his last match have been Brock? Nope. Again, that’s something that could have gone to a younger talent to pass the torch along. Maybe if Bray was in all his creepy prime, he could have done it. Or hell, it could have been Finn Balor if timelines were different. But Brock? To end the streak? Come on… If there was no possible way to pass the torch to a younger talent, I’d have gone with Kane, or bring back the Legend Killer to finally do the greatest job of all time, kill Taker.

Unfortunately time doesn’t work like that. We don’t have our own TARDIS’ lying around for us to fix these grave mistakes. Instead, we make do with what we’ve got, and as fans, we can choose to enjoy it or choose to change the channel. When you choose to stick with the product, you’ve got to face the facts. This isn’t your show, and you can’t manipulate it any way you want it, even if it’s that’s the way you need it, most of the time it’s just not going to happen.

Take for example, turning Roman heel, as though that is the be all end all to save the day. Now, I remember this being said about a certain John Cena. Would it have been great to see? Hell yeah? Will it happen? Nah. Yet look at Roman, the man killed the Undertaker (though I would still technically give that to Brock Lesnar), and he’s been booed out of the building ever since. That sounds like a pretty solid heel, or at the very least if they’re not willing to fully embrace it: an antihero. Though I suppose it depends on the day and the crowd he’s playing to. He’s already treated like a heel by the fans and every opponent he has is cheered as a face. So what does it matter whether or not he makes a full fledged heel turn?

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We’re at a very confusing time right now in wrestling. Heels are cheered and babyfaces are booed whether that’s out of boredom or just because they’re stale. Maybe it’s the fact that we’re a jaded audience these days that relates far more to a cynical heel than a hopeful babyface. Whatever the reason is, the lines between good and evil are clearly blurred especially with WWE’s writing as of late. While we seem to firmly believe the recipe for success is a classic good versus evil fight, it’s very rare we can achieve these classic archetypes in a time where being the antihero or the bad guy is all the rage.

So where does that leave us? The fuck are we to do with Roman Reigns being booed out the building and this rocket strapped to his ass, knowing that everyone hates it?

Change the channel, honestly. The same people that whine about his push and other superstars being buried are the same people that swear that indy wrestling is better. So…go watch it. There’s other programs to watch, why must something be destroyed just because you don’t like it, knowing that you can’t control anything that happens? Lucha Underground, Ring of Honor, New Japan Pro Wrestling, and countless others that I’m missing are all available for you to watch. So support them, help them grow, so you can someday see the types of storylines and wrestling that you want to see. Come back to WWE when things have changed or you’re drawn to something that’ll grab your attention more than your painful hatred and disgust of Roman Reigns. I know, it’s hard to get rid of such an addiction, but I mean….why put yourself through that hate?

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WrestleMania 32: Highlights (4/3/16)

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Finally, WrestleMania is upon us! Already the bar has been set tremendously high from NXT Takeover: Dallas. Can the main roster follow their stellar performance? What oldies but goodies will we see return? Finally, what in the blue hell will the Rock be doing tonight?

Main Card

Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz vs. Stardust vs. Sin Cara vs. Zack Ryder

Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Championship

Geez look how many people are listed for this fight. It’s exhausting just looking at it! Let’s see. We have ladders, contenders we haven’t seen in quite sometime, and the murder bear known as Kevin Owens. Can we say–brutal fight of the century? Almost! There’s several contenders on this card worthy of that title. Yet none of them have a murder bear, which really, every match needs one.

Winner: Zack Ryder–so well deserved. About time.

AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho

AJ Styles, the new hotness, the anticipated phenomenal one will be going against Chris Jericho. The man with the daddy kink. The ayatollah of rock and rollah. The really, really arrogant bastard that throws little fits when he loses or taunts someone and quite frankly–does it all incredibly well.

Winner: Chris Jericho, to everyone’s surprise.

The New Day vs. The League of Nations

The Unicorns against the extremely watered down United Nations. One team will eat cereal, dance, and play music all at once to showcase just how talented they are. The other will hug each other, refer to each other as friends, and even make a mention of going out together to get bevs and some cheeky Nandos. Who will prevail here? The men that start their day right with a great helping of booty, or the men that rely on each other for support and value their friendship more than anything else?

Winners: League of Nations wins.

But wait there’s more!

Enter Shawn Michaels, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Cactus Jack; in their gear and ready to destroy a couple of lads. The legends hit these lads with the mandible claw, sweet chin music, and a stone cold stunner. I no longer care what happens for the rest of the night. I am at bliss.

Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar

No Holds Barred Street Fight

That’s concerning. A no holds barred street fight. With these two psychopaths? Does WWE even want these two to survive after the match is over? Perhaps they want these two men to kill each other, that way Triple H doesn’t have to worry about fighting either of them when it comes to his championship. A very valid strategy if I must say so myself.

Winner:  Brock Lesnar

Triple Threat for the WWE Women’s Championship

Three out of four horsewoman ain’t so bad, is it? It’s actually quite lovely. Although there’s technically a senior horsewoman here, as Ric Flair will be accompanying Charlotte to the ring. We all know that technically, this is Ric’s match as he is the true baddest Diva in the game. However, Charlotte is happy to fight for him. The boss herself Sasha Banks has made it very clear that she’s going to get what she wants. As for Becky, does she have anything to lose? Nope, both of her friends have turned their backs on her. This one is for pride, and to prove the doubters wrong that she is in fact main-roster material.

Winner: Charlotte obtains the new WWE Women’s Championship

Spray Tan O’ Mac vs. The Undertaker

Hell in a Cell

Now if Spray Tan wins, he gets control of RAW and the dead man must retire. Would that be so bad though? It would be healthy for the Undertaker, and as we all know WWE cares very deeply about the health status of their performers. Then again….at what costs? Shane is undoubtedly going to fly a helicopter in and jump off of that onto the Undertaker… Quite frankly, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest to wear a poncho if you’re in the first few rows. That’s going to be a splash zone.

Winner: The Undertaker

André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal 

20 Humans in this Battle Royal

Goodness gracious. Okay, lots of humans here. Not quite as much as the royal rumble but enough to cause one to get a headache while watching it! Tonight’s special entrants: Diamond Dallas Page! Who knows, he might warrior pose his way to victory. We also have Tatanka, what a radical mongoose!

Extra Special Surprise Entrant: Shaquille O’Neal. He towers over everyone. Oh my.

Winner: Baron Corbin from NXT! Schweet

Obligatory segment for The Rock starts here!

Before taking two hours to get to the ring, he first sets a giant ‘Rock’ sign on fire. After the usual bit of hyping the crowd something spectacular happens, he announces Dallas broke the WWE attendance record. Yada yada, celebration stuff.

Bray Wyatt and his two remaining servants enter. Bray says some creepy stuff, Rock reminds him that he looks like a man that hits the bong, is the product of an incestuous relationship, and that Braun was breast fed since he was 26. A spontaneous match ensues where he defeats Rowan in six seconds.

John Cena enters next to help defend his bestie 4 lyfe, Rock. Talk about a surprise return! They beat up the swamp creatures and all is well with the universe.

Triple H vs. Roman Reigns

No DQ for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

I don’t know what happened between Fabio and Jason Mamoa for them to want to have a fight this brutal, but clearly their bad blood runs deep. So deep in fact that even Taylor Swift finds herself thinking ‘whoa, I could write a song about this’.

Winner: Roman Reigns is the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion

That was WrestleMania 32! Next up we wait for RAW. Before that we must all try to be able to fall asleep after that adrenaline inducing event.

Fastlane 2016: Highlights

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Good grief, it’s that time of year again! It’s time for the pay-per-view between the Royal Rumble and WrestleMania. What was once the great Elimination Chamber PPV has now been devastatingly downgraded to Fastlane. To top it off, this year it feels as though roughly half of this PPV was thrown together at the last possible second out of desperation. Is that a recipe for success? Eh, we’ll see. To be honest, it’s not exactly necessary. They can sort of get away with half-assing Fastlane, because the results and Monday Night RAW begin the real build up for Wrestlemania.

Kickoff

Kalisto vs. Alberto Del Rio

There’s a 90% chance I repeat exactly what I said for the Royal Rumble. Why? Because I very responsibly decided not to go back and check to see what I said. Now, the back and forth between these two has been kind of exciting! I can’t remember who has the belt at this point, but I do know that Del Rio has some precious friends to serve as back up. So, who shall win? The endearing Kalisto, or the dirtbag Del Rio?!

United States Championship, 2/3 falls.

Winner: Kalisto retains the US Championship

Fastlane

Sasha  Banks, Becky Lynch vs. Naomi, Tamina

My oh my, this is going to be dramatic. The scorned remnants of Team B.A.D. Tamina and Naomi are up against their former partner (leader, let’s be honest) and her kind of friend Becky Lynch. Becky’s the precious one that’s been wronged by all of her friends but she’s left to trust her partner Sasha, who really hasn’t been too kind to her as of late.Can the unlikely partners defeat the actual team, or will their distrust of each other lead to their downfall?

Winner: Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch win by submission

Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler

Intercontinental Championship

Oh boy oh boy oh boy here we go. Kevin Owens, actual toddler, finally has his shiny golden belt back! Dolph Ziggler, actual man-whore who believes he’s a rockstar, does not have the belt. To be frank, he probably has more of a claim over that belt than Kevin considering how many times he’s held it. Yet…he’s more of an adult about it! Well in comparison at least. Now Dolph somehow always holds the title, but Kevin is extremely stubborn…so who will win?

Winner: Kevin Owens retails the championship

Kane, Big Show, Ryback vs. The Wyatt Family

Honestly what can I even say about this match? The Wyatt Family has destroyed each of these people individually, and they’ll destroy them in a team. I can’t even joke about this! They’re all just thrown together because there was nothing planned at all! To top it all off, Kane has gone from the Big Red Machine to the Big Red Joke. That’s no way to live!

Winners: Big Show, Kane, Ryback–to EVERYONE’S surprise.

Charlotte vs. Brie Bella

Diva’s Championship

See this is charming. Out of nowhere Brie’s suddenly in the title picture. Charlotte of course has welcomed her by talking about her injured husband and telling Brie to go home and make some goat faced vegan babies. Delicious.  After those two spoke for what felt like 2 hours, we finally get this match up where Brie will do everything in her power to emulate her husband.

Winner: Charlotte retains the championship

AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho

Chris Jericho is doing the honors of welcoming AJ Styles to the WWE. Jericho’s been there man, he’s wrestled around the world, and he’s certainly wrestled in Japan. He knows exactly how AJ feels going from one promotion to another, and sometimes you just need a friend to ease you into that transition. Really, Chris is just doing AJ a favor! Should he throw a tantrum upon losing, well…you know, that’s just a bonus! Depending on who you are, of course.

Winner: AJ Styles….but how is either man still alive after that match?

The Cutting Edge Peep Show

With the New Day

No words can describe the magic between these two teams. Really, I couldn’t do it justice, it’s must see tv.

Then it got to the point where you realized it was just a cheap plug for their new show and nothing extraordinary was happening, ah well. Still funny!

R-Truth vs. Curtis Axel

What in the blue hell? This quite literally came out of nowhere. Not sure why this happened, but uh….R-Truth was game! One man with three partners, he was willing to do it all by himself without asking for help. The man deserves some credit for that! Unfortunately for him, Goldust decided to come out and attempt to save the day. It didn’t work.

Winner: Curtis Axel

Roman Reigns vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar

Triple Threat Match for the #1 Contendership to the WWE WHC

Oh boy. Okay, there’s far too much to say about this and too little coffee in the world for me to tackle the situation. So let’s just go about it this way. I forgot why Brock is even in the title match to begin with. Probably some storyline stuff that I forgot (I have lots of work to do, okay? Cut me some slack). Roman’s in because for some reason he doesn’t get a rematch clause. Dean is in because….Stephanie said so! Right? Yeah that sounds about right.

Any who, it’s the beast, against two brothers. Now, we’ve already had the brother’s relationship put to the test over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. BUT..will this be the straw that breaks the camel’s back?

Winner: Roman Reigns wins…obviously.

Bonus: Triple H enters and gives Roman a round of applause, how sweet!

Yeah nothing significant happened. This was a weird ending…I’m not too pleased.

Royal Rumble 2016: Highlights

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Ah the Royal Rumble. An event where even though it’s usually a one-versus-all type scenario, has been explicitly stated to be one-versus-all this time around. Why? Well simply put: because Roman Reigns will be defending his WWE World Heavyweight Championship against 29 other contenders. Some say nay, the thought of booing Roman out of yet another rumble making their special parts tingle with glee. Others cheer the thought of Roman showcasing having such a hard time in order to prove to others why he’s the one holding that belt, finding themselves in love with such an uphill battle. And for some? Well, some just want to watch the world burn. Or see who gets eliminated in under a second this time around.

Kickoff

Mark Henry, Jack Swagger vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. Damien Sandow, Darren Young vs. The Ascension

Fatal 4-Way Tag Team Match

Winning team qualifies for the Royal Rumble, how sweet.

I know what you’re thinking. Golly gee this is an odd match up. There’s one actual tag team, another tag team that’s been made a mockery of, and two groups of mis-matched confusion. Yes, yes I concur with all of your thoughts. That my dear readers is what happens when you have nothing planned for any of them. So who will win? The seasoned tag team veterans? Henry and Swagger who….I mean…they’re big guys! Or will it be Young and Sandow? Perhaps it might be The Ascension, a team whom I completely forgot were in the match up, my apologies.

Winner: Mark Henry and Jack Swagger

Royal Rumble

Dean Ambrose vs. Kevin Owens

Last Man Standing Match for the Intercontinental Championship

Quite frankly this match is a little bit concerning. You have Kevin Owens, the petulant child who will stop at nothing to get his title back. He’s brutal, and doesn’t give a damn what he does to his opponent. Then there’s our champion Dean Ambrose. This man has an outstanding lack of self-preservation skills that certainly warrant a few special psychotherapy visits. Someone’s going to be left in shambles tonight, and how they’ll make it into the rumble at all is beyond me.

Winner: Dean Ambrose retains the title!

The Usos vs. The New Day

Tag Team Championship Match

You know, I’m not quite sure how New Day can carry on tonight. They’re suffering a great loss considering the brutal murder of Francesca by Chris Jericho. Perhaps they’ll debut her twin brother Francisco… but still! This is a very hard time for them and the Usos should be considerate of their loss! Well, the Usos who somehow got the Slammy award for Tag Team of the year are going to fight for those titles and perhaps actually be tag team champions. Will the Unicorn Squad take this one for Francesca? Or will the Usos take advantage of the pain of loss?

Just kidding, they’ve got Francesca 2!

Winner: The New Day retain their titles!

Alberto Del Rio vs. Kalisto

For the United States Championship

This is absolute a David vs Goliath and his misfit friends story. Kalisto makes you want to root for him. He’s the total underdog here, the little engine that could! He wins the title and then what happens? On SmackDown he loses his title because Del Rio cheated, letting him take that title right back. Vengeance must be had! Yet can Kalisto overcome the bully?

Winner: Kalisto gets his title back! 

Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte

Diva’s Championship Match

This is going to be a match to tug at the heartstrings. Charlotte and Becky were best friends! They came up to the main roster together! They were in the not-really-a-revolution Diva’s revolution! Yet now Charlotte has turned her back on Charlotte, becoming more and more like her treacherous father. Becky’s been hurt, backstabbed by those she called family. Now it’s her time to enact sweet, sweet revenge.

Winner: Charlotte retains the title!

SURPRISE: Sasha Banks, the Boss makes her way to the ring after Charlotte’s win. Once the rings are properly disposed off, down goes Becky and later, Charlotte too finds her demise.

30 Man Royal Rumble

For the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Oh dear. Well, like I said before. The one-versus-all match is really one-versus-all. It was reinforced, so now it’s really important and driving the point home. So what twists and turns and surprise entrants lie ahead?

Here’s the fellows that matter!

1) Roman Reigns

I’m sure Roman is so thankful to be in the number one spot.

2)Rusev

Pft, this will be easy.

3) Aj Styles

Introducing the phenomenal one….oh boy, this crowd will not have Roman winning after that. He’s so calm and collected he’s just walking down there. No stress at all.

6) Chris Jericho

Because he’s a damn legend. Damn it.

7) Kane

Because he’s also a legend, and I love him.

8) Goldust

He’s the bizarre one, how can I not?

12) R-Truth

Why is this special? Because he put a damn ladder in the middle of the ring and reached up for the championship. Who told him this was a ladder match?! 

Big E catches Kofi from being eliminated and has his unicorn brother sit on his shoulders to save him. Wow. Amazing, at least this gives him time to have a drink with the fans. Cola is so refreshing.

Vince McMahon has the League of Nations come out to pull Roman to the apron and brutalize him. Well that’s not nice, also fairly certain that’s cheating. Though it is sweet revenge for Rusev.

18) Kevin Owens

I feel like I need to give him credit for limping to the ring and going after Aj Styles right off the bat and eliminating him.

19) Dean Ambrose

At least he had an easier time walking to the ring.

20) Sami Zayn

Kevin Owens is NOT having a good night. Plus he gets eliminated by Sami? Oh dear.

22) Mark Henry

You earned it man who may retire soon. You earned it.

23) Brock Lesnar

…Eh. We all know the entire stadium wants him to win just so Roman doesn’t.

25) The Miz

Why is this notable? Because he went to hang out with the announcers in Mizney World. It’s a valid strategy, it keeps him alive longer!

26) Bray Wyatt

Bray very wisely had his minions stay around the ring, so that when he entered they could hold Brock for him. Such a good strategy! Especially since it actually worked to eliminate Brock. Huh, I’m shocked.

Reigns rejoins the rumble in the middle of Sheamus’ entrance.

30) Triple H

This pleases me greatly. Time for some sweet revenge. Me thinks Triple H did not like getting beaten senseless in front of his wife. These two are livid, having a showdown with one another where each is attacked and yet they dispose of them quickly with their finishers. 

Triple H eliminates Roman Reigns, leaving him alone with Dean Ambrose

Winner: Triple H wins the Royal Rumble and is the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion

Well, I’m sure Vince is pleased his son-in-law is the new winner! Stephanie sure is over the moon elated. Alas, I don’t think Roman is pleased. Plus Dean was so close to winning….RAW is going to be interesting for sure.

What’s Next for WWE?

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Ah WWE, a haven for controversy driven by top men of the business that have the mentality of being back in 1990. Once again these men are faced with a challenge, and the question now is whether or not they’ll let this break their kneecaps with a sledgehammer, or will they overcome it.

With Seth Rollins now out on injury for possibly 6-9 months, WWE has lost their top evil doer and their World Heavyweight Champion. This is the cherry on top of: Randy Orton being out on injury, John Cena taking time off, and Brock Lesnar finishing his tiny little disagreement with the UnderTaker…who is now possibly inside the soul of Bray Wyatt.

Or whatever is in place of Bray Wyatt’s soul, at least.

Now what does this mean for WWE?

For one, it’s an opportunity. They’ve made the mistake of ignoring a great portion of the talent they have and have settled with long-winded self righteous promos that will make you fall asleep at some point, no matter how good the speaker is. Oh, and John Cena having his hands in everything and yada yada America. Right. We get it.

The program has revolved around a central point for 5 hours a week, and it’s boring.

But with all focal points gone they really have a chance to bring new people into the spotlight. For other members of the roster to put on draw-dropping matches and have feuds that can make history! Hell, there may be an actually half-decent and somewhat entertaining story to enjoy!

But…what will WWE do?

One can hope that they’ll take the route of newfound creativity, but what’s more likely to happen? That? Or a phone call to Brock Lesnar or John Cena–begging for them to return so that they have something to entertain people with even if they’ve seen it millions of times before.

After all, nothing screams WWE quite like relying on old talent and raising everyone up onto a pedestal except for new, readily available people who have yet to shine.

**OR talent who have had the light shine down upon them from the WWE Universe, but are ignored because they weren’t hand-plucked by the crotchety old man himself**

Hell in a Cell: (10/25/15/)

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Oh boy! Hell in a Cell! The pay-per-view that was put together what seems to be by a couple of drunken monkeys! The underwhelming build-up, the repetition, the predictability…all a solid formula for WWE these days. Well, let’s see how the night goes, shall we?

Kickoff

Cesaro, Dolph Ziggler, Neville vs. King Barrett, Sheamus, Rusev

“Oh friend! Football friend! Friend!”

Sorry, that’s just a bit of Inbetweeners magic for ya, considering how Barrett seems to be wanting to create a new group of friends for himself lately. So we have the Celtic Warrior with devastating hair issues, Rusev the Whore, and King Barrett….a very social man these days. They’ll be going against the used up playboy Dolph Ziggler, Neville the token PPV high-flyer, and Cesaro…the forgotten one. You gotta love WWE booking logic, right?

Winners: Cesaro, Neville, and Dolph Ziggler….after Cesaro hammed it up, and it was great.

Hell in a Cell

U.S. Open Challenge

John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio!

Ah, once again John Cena makes history! This time it’s with an open challenge on a pay-per-view…against a mystery opponent no less! Well, now his opponent isn’t a mystery, but before he walked out to that ramp no one knew! The question now is…will Cena win? Or will he disappear until December or January with the title?

Did I scream a bit and flail like a child when Alberto Del Rio came out? Yes. Yes I did. In my defense, Zeb Colter came out first and I wanted to stab myself in the eyes if Jack Swagger decided to take the title…but this is Alberto Del Rio, and I’m very much okay with him taking the title.

Winner: Your new United States Champion, Alberto Del Rio! Buh-bye Cena.

Honestly….that match paled in comparison to every open challenge held on RAW.

Bray Wyatt vs. Roman Reigns

Ah, the two cell virgins are going at it!

That phrasing sounds strange, doesn’t it?

These two both have a personal bone to pick with one another. Roman’s is obviously because Bray has taken to ruining his life since Money in the Bank. Bray…? Not sure, he just does what he pleases. Takes pictures of people’s children, cuts the eyes out of them, has his two side bitches beat people up for him…it’s just the way of Bray. So who wins between the psycho swamp thing and the man with a devastatingly bad temper?

Winner: Roman Reigns wins! Maybe now Bray can stop hoarding pictures of him and cutting the mouth out of them. That’s weird.

Tag Team Championship Match

The New Day vs. The Dudley Boyz

Save the tables versus get the tables! Either way, both teams clearly have issues with tables and other useful furniture of the sort. Unfortunately for the New Day, their musician and mouthpiece that never shuts up Xavier Woods has been put out of commission by those dastardly Dudley Boyz. Now that the mouthpiece is gone, can the Dudleyz get one over on New Day without the distraction of Mr. Woods?

Winners: The New Day. Looks like the trombone is the true lucky  charm.

Diva’s Championship

Charlotte vs. Nikki Bella

Thank god no one’s allowed at ringside. Hate to sit through them repeating the same type of finish for the hundredth time now. In this match we have Nikki, who has no idea whether or not she’s a good guy or a bad guy. At least Charlotte knows who she identifies as. All that’s left is to sit through the match and wait for the inevitable ‘we want Sasha’ chants.

Winner: Charlotte retains the championship, after she and Nikki nearly murdered each other.

WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Kane vs. Seth Rollins

There’s no way I should have to specify between Corporate Kane and Demon Kane. Kane is freaking Kane, damn it. We all know he’s simply playing mind games with Seth–the specifications are SO unnecessary, especially since either way you cut it “both” versions of Kane are screwed up in the head.

Really screwed up. Question is whose head is more screwed up? Seth’s? Because he’s still rocking the ratchet blonde patch? Oh, and he has this narcissistic, eccentric, spoiled rotten personality that would could rival Tony Stark? Or Kane…

I mean. Kane’s head damage is rather self-explanatory.

Winner: Seth Rollins retains the title, and Kane looks like a pathetic old man getting beat up by  the kid bully of the neighborhood.

Intercontinental Championship

Kevin Owens vs. Ryback

Ah, well this is a real treat. The happiest man in the WWE with all his self-help books and positivity bullshit. He’ll be going against Kevin Owens–the ever so charming bully that has no problem beating someone into a pulp. Good times to be had by all, yeah?

Fine, maybe not for Ryback. It’s a bad night to be him.

Winner: Kevin Owens retains the title after a match that will surely lead to Ryback finding more self-help books.

The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

Oh dear. How many times have these two gone at it?

I have no clue, I can’t count that high….but I just hope this is the last of it. It feels like every match with Brock is Taker’s last, because Brock is just so stiff, and well, flat out murderous too. This is just so exhausting! We get it, Brock beat the streak and Taker’s mad.

Just finish it!

We all know Brock will bleed all too quickly. Taker’s going to look like he’s tired for the rest of the match after the first five minutes go by…we know how it goes these days.

Winner: Brock Lesnar, ruining the lives of long-time fans everywhere. Proof that the streak’s end can never actually be redeemed.

Bonus Bit: The Wyatt Family decides to make their grand entrance once again and congratulate him on a job well done. By beating him savagely and kidnapping the man who used to kidnap everyone!

This pay-per-view was brought to you by WWE and Vince McMahon himself, a solid ‘fuck you’ to viewers everywhere. 

RAW: GET THE TABLES (8/24/15 Highlights)

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Once again, it’s time for the post-PPV RAW. Tantrums will be thrown, statues will hopefully be erected, and….more tantrums will be thrown, obviously.

Then there’s something going on with the InterContinental title…eh.

Highlights

Of course it starts with Seth’s dad, Triple H praising his performance, plus he’s going to unveil Seth’s new statue!

Oh please, we all know what will happen. Triple H will turn on Seth, and his reason will be that he explicitly told Seth to wear black and blue, not white and gold.

Then of course Brock and Paul have to be first to set foot into the ring…

…and bitch and moan about their loss at SummerSlam. Although, Paul is very hip on the language of the youth. Took me a moment to realize what GFY meant.

Bo Dallas comes out and very eloquently refers to Brock as “Mr.Brock”.

Then he was sacrificed to Suplex City over and over and over and over and over and over again.. The man is lucky his diaper didn’t turn brown.

The New Day making their way to the ring with an amazing new cover!

Xavier Woods plays the trumpet for their lovely cover of “New York, New York”. Their new lyrics are amazing, their new suits are “on fleek” it was wonderful.

Then Xavier plays “Taps”. This team is glorious.

But it gets better!

The Dudley Boyz make a return!

Welcome to Dudleyville, New Day!! How were those tables? Were they comfortable? It was great to watch. I’m so happy. I don’t care what happens for the rest of the night.

Bray got a new Big Monster man that tried to kill Dean and Roman.

Seriously though man, who are you? Also, please get new pants, because they’re weird as hell.

Charlotte shutting the Miz down.

Yeah, you did not surpass his legacy, Miz. Nice try though. Very lucky Charlotte didn’t kill you.

Becky’s absolutely adorable.

Challenging Foxy to throw soda on her….ha, shoutout to Total Divas, right?

Jon Stewart he admits he couldn’t stand the thought of Cena tying Flair’s streak.

I think Jon died inside.

John Cena hit Stewart with the AA.

Now he’s dead on the inside and on the outside.

Sting is Seth’s statue.

Well he’s not actually the statue, but he was there instead of the statue. That’s practically the same thing.

RAW was action packed and beautiful. Mostly because the Dudleys returned. I’m still very excited about that. Plus they’ll be back on SmackDown! What a time to be alive.