Seeing Monday Night Raw: LIVE! (3/20/17)

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Yes that’s right, I in fact saw Monday Night Raw, live, at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York on March 20, 2017.

So let’s get down to it: what was it like?

First of all: it’s kind of amazing. When you finally get through security and spend twenty to thirty minutes looking for your seat because every single usher tells you to go to the next staircase: you finally land in your section. I myself had floor seats, section f5. Just about ten or eleven rows back from the barricade, a little before the WrestleMania sign.

The seats were okay. To be frank it was hard to see any of the action over anyone’s heads. To top it all off, the screen showing the fight was blocked by the lights and was basically far too vertical to watch comfortably. In addition to that people decided they were going to stand on their stupid chairs to get the perfect picture. Yes, thank you assholes who needed to do that; because everyone behind you is clearly seven feet tall and can see over you.

And you can’t teach that. Sorry. Moving on!

It felt like a mediocre episode of RAW. I anticipated crazy twists and turns because it’s two weeks to WrestleMania but I didn’t get any of that. I was also hoping I’d see Seth Rollins (even though people swore he was in the crowd at one point before retreating). However, I got to see my queen Stephanie McMahon live; as well as Triple H, Mick Foley, The Undertaker, and Chris Jericho. The Undertaker’s great, but there’s just something about seeing Chris Jericho live that really feels magical and makes me think “holy shit, am I really here”?

By the way, I mostly went because I really, really wanted to see Cesaro (he’s my favorite wrestler if you somehow haven’t gotten that) and his match ended far too quick for my liking. So…very disappointed.

Let’s talk about the chants.

Yes, there was a scandal recently, and of course Brooklyn had to start their charm. Before the show even began they shouted “We want Paige!” to the tune of “New Day Rocks”. Every single time she or Xavier Woods was on the screen they screamed. They also requested the presence of Brad Maddox, and typically CM Punk. Which still, to this day, is extremely pathetic and makes no sense.

CM Punk is not coming back, and if he is it’s going to be a Bret Hart situation twenty or so years from now where it’s just for a paycheck. Then he’ll probably critique a really great young talent horribly.

Then the sections began to fight. Above me the sides were chanting “That side sucks” at each other. My section retorted with “We got floor seats!”, which prompted them to say “floor seats suck!” in return.

It was super juvenile. During a match no less. Great, but yeah, go women’s wrestling right?

Also the children are probably the worst little smarks I’ve ever seen. Yes, I frequently come in contact with smarks that make me sigh heavily and ever regret joining social media platforms and dabbling into the wrestling fandom but I digress. The child behind me was saying just about every single match sucked, said Roman Reigns couldn’t wrestle (really kid?), and other shitty things I typically see adults say on twitter like Nia being fat or Alicia Fox having a busted face. Way to go, preteen. Already an asshole.

Oh, and on an unrelated note: A Bayley fan sat in front of me. Adorable little girl, really sobbed to hell when Bayley lost.

I laughed, I know it’s cruel but….yeah I cackled.

Something I thought was VERY interesting was the reception to Roman. It was very John Cena like, half the arena loved him, half hated him. At some points, the crowd unanimously booed. However, when Roman geared up for that spear and went for his classic “ooaahhh”, every single person belted it out with him in unison; something I frequently confused with boos while watching at home.

So you can’t ever say that Roman doesn’t connect with the fans.

I also didn’t have an experience with persistent males trying to strike up a conversation with me or ask for my number, unlike the last time I went to a WWE show. I’m not sure if it was because I went with a male, or because my exhausted face screamed “look at me and I will ruin your life”; but it was great.

The show was okay, the atmosphere felt like the stupid part of Twitter coming to life…but, it was nice. I just really need to see SmackDown live or stick to house shows.

 

The Raw Bits: All About Survivor Series (Highlights 11/7/16)

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The show opens up allowing us to learn that RAW is currently in Glasgow. Yes, this was filmed practically half a day in advance, and the crowd will be especially censored and filtered before us dirty Americans see it.

JeriKO: Oh Captains My Captains

Yes, you read it correctly. The Universal Champion Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens (shades of LayCool for sure), are going to be the co-captains for team RAW on Survivor Series. I don’t know what’s better, the fact that they’re somehow sharing this championship, or that they bad mouthed the Shield and proceeded to pretend that Braun wasn’t even there.

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Cesaro takes great offense!

Not really, he made a point of saying that if The Club really wanted to grind his gears, that they’d just say he was the third member of their little group. Well hot damn, drop the mic and moonwalk right outta there. He was killing it with the smack talk, even against his own teammate Rooster! I mean, Sheamus. His name is Sheamus.

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There really wasn’t much to this episode of RAW. Most of it was setting up the matches for Survivor Series so everyone knew what the teams were. I suspect the exact same will happen for SmackDown tomorrow. Eh, maybe next week things will go back to normal.

 

Hell in a Cell: Highlights (10/30/2016)

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Allow me to say: this historic “triple main event” business is garbage. You cannot have three main events. The main event is the last match that caps off the show because it’s pretty much the best damn thing you’re supposed to see all night. By saying there’s three main events you’re saying: well in case Sasha vs. Charlotte doesn’t go over well, I’ve got two other matches to fall back on and say THAT was the main event. It’s poop. Hogwash, bullshit.

You don’t say you’re having a “triple season premiere”, that’s ridiculous! Triple main event is just as ridiculous.

Kick Off Match

 

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Cedric Alexander, Lince Dorado, Sin Cara vs. Tony Nese, Drew Gulak, Ariya Daivari

The RAW roster is making good use of their cruiserweight division, and that’s by having the gang open up the show with a flippy-flippy, mega agile, jaw-dropping type of match. Now I like the cruiser weights, and I love fast paced matches like this, but let’s make sure no one flips off into oblivion, yeah?

Winners: Cedric Alexander, Lice Dorado, Sin Cara

Hell in a Cell

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Roman Reigns vs. Rusev

United States Championship Hell in a Cell Match

This is one of three main events for the night, and it’s starting off our Hell in a Cell PPV. Hopefully they have a spare cell lying around somewhere for the next two matches, in case these brutes destroy the structure a la Mick Foley and The Undertaker. Who will take the match? No one knows, Roman’s going against a discount Wolverine right now. The power of looking like Wolverine could give Rusev some mystical sort of power boost. It’s anyone’s game!

Winner:  Roman Reigns retains the title – after an oddly kinky/erotic match.

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Bayley vs. Dana Brooke

I can’t help but feel like this match resembles a middle schooler deciding to beat the ever living shit out of a wee little first grader. There’s just something about this dynamic between the two of them. For some reason Bayley’s happiness and cinnamon-roll like demeanor just reminds me of the purest of small children. Can’t imagine why, doubt it’s the bright colors, or the wacky waving…something something something tube men. Then there’s Dana, the arrogant, patronizing woman you want to punch in the face because she’s just so good at making you despise her. AH, storytelling, it’s lovely.

Winner: Bayley

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Big Cass, Enzo Amore vs. Luke Gallows, Karl Anderson

I know that whenever Enzo is in a match, I can look forward to someone picking him up and throwing him around like a blow up doll. Whether that’s his opponent, or his partner, it’s always fun to see him fly. Plus, he does bring me great joy by discussing how generic Karl Anderson is, it’s like talking about every single white boy ever..one white boy to another. What? Where was I? Big Cass made a Larry Bird pun. I can’t, it’s only hour two, they’re too entertaining and it’s draining my energy.

Winners: Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson, YAAAAY! 

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Seth Rollins vs. Kevin Owens

WWE Universal Championship Hell in a Cell Match

I look forward to this match being absolutely absurd and ridiculous. From Kevin’s beautiful quips during the match, to Seth ultimately doing a very, very stupid, death defying stunt. I don’t even know if I can make a joke about this. Oh, maybe I can say something about the former golden child now fighting the new golden boy to redeem his place. Eh…no, it just doesn’t go. Enjoy the second main event of the night!

Winner: Kevin Owens retains the championship….fuck that was a great match.

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TJ Perkins vs. Brian Kendrick

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

After the promo shown for this match up, all I could think about was that Gotye song, Somebody That I Used To Know. Man, sounds like things were pretty tight between these two. Welp. Not no more. Game nerd is about to destroy homeless looking Jesus.

Winner: Brian Kendrick via submission, and now that he’s won I assume he’ll get a haircut.

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The New Day vs. Cesaro, Sheamus

Raw Tag Team Championship Match

I’m so torn on who I want to win. Cesaro is one of my favorite wrestlers…but he’s paired with Sheamus, my favorite wrestler not because I like his abilities but because I love to make dumb jokes about him and his hair….and his ability to shine bright like a diamond on his entrance. Then there’s The New Day, and I adore them as well but they’ve had the titles for so long… alright, I made up my mind. Cesaro can hold both tag team title belts by himself, because he’s the Swiss Superman.

Winners: Cesaro and Sheamus via disqualification, but The New Day retains the titles. Fuck.

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Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte

Raw Women’s Championship Hell in a Cell Match

Finally, the third (and actual) main event of the night! Both women had incredible entrances that suited them so well. They had men CARRYING them and escorting them, far from the usual of women walking their men to the ring. Good, reverse the roles!

I’m ready for them to utterly destroy each other, as the first women to step inside HIAC.  It’s a historic moment for both these ladies, especially Sasha, who gets to do this in her home town.

Winner: Charlotte wins! 

What a pay per view! Every HIAC match was incredible, and as the main event, and the first women’s HIAC match, the ladies killed it! As well as each other, I mean, that was just….god it was brutal. What a match.

 

Extreme Rules: 5/22/16 (Highlights)

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Does this really need an introduction? I mean…I don’t have nearly as much to talk smack about as I usually do. This has been quite enjoyable. Aw man, talking about professional wrestling isn’t fun unless I try really hard to make fun of it. Now I get why all those smarks talk about Roman so much.

Kick Off

Dolph Ziggler vs. Baron Corbin

No Disqualification

A no disqualification match could favor Dolph Ziggler! After all, compared to Corbin he’s quite the little guy. Sure, he won against Corbin at a previously PPV, but he just barely managed to pull that out.Corbin on the other hand has his size, his devastating anger issues on his side in addition to the no disqualification. Corbin may try to attempt to squash Ziggler like a bug. Which, would be super unfortunate. I can’t imagine how difficult pink hair and rocker studs are to get out from the sole of one’s boot.

Winner: Baron Corbin, thanks to a solid nutter butter (that’s a low blow for anyone that’s not hip to the lingo)

Extreme Rules

The Usos vs. Luke Gallows, Karl Anderson

The Usos, a part of the stable The Bloodline will be facing 2/3 of The Club. It’s amazing how feuds spread through the groups, isn’t it? It starts with one friend and suddenly all parties are trying to kill one another for the enjoyment of others.

The Usos simply don’t care what other people think of them anymore, they’re looking out for themselves and for their cousin Roman. They couldn’t care less about the crowd or whether or not they’re the good guys. They’re just trying to do what they can to not get murdered. As for Gallows and Anderson? Well they’re just here to fuck some shit up in WWE. Nice, I can get behind that.

Winners: Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson. Side note: that finisher looks painful.

Rusev vs. Kalisto

For the United States Championship

Alright, I’m running out of material here. There’s only so many David and Goliath jokes I can make. What do you expect me to say here? Kalisto, while so small, is channeling the Hulk with his green and purple t-shirt? Or that Rusev sounds more American by the day and it would actually be fitting for him to have the belt at this point? Or perhaps that Lana must miss Ziggler considering she’s wearing outfits that she wore with him? Is she longing for him? Yes, maybe, I don’t know!

Winner: Rusev, and Kalisto’s spine definitely lost tonight.

The New Day vs. The Vaudevillains

For the Tag Team Championships

The New Day out to break a few hoes and plow them into the ground. As for the Vaudevillains, I’m sure they’d rather be home reading a boring thesaurus and lifting weights, but they have a few unicorns to take care of first.

Winners: The New Day, and that ain’t booty.

Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn vs. The Miz vs. Cesaro

For the Intercontinental Championship.

Basically, Sami and Kevin are going to murder each other in the ring with committing actual murderer. Possibly just reach the brink of death. Miz will undoubtedly rely on his wife’s impeccable timing to save his life. Cesaro is most likely going to uppercut them all as far away from New Jersey as possible.

Winner: The Miz! I expect more monologues to come from this.

Dean Ambrose vs. Chris Jericho

Asylum Match

It’s kind of odd to find out what angers Dean. he’s not mad about Jericho screwing them over against the Wyatt family at Night of Champions. Yet when it comes to murdering his botanical best friend, Dean’s all ready to have a violent steel cage match. Interesting, yet noble and very selfless in his attempt to redeem his best friend Mitch. Meanwhile, Jericho’s ego is clouding his judgement, as he’s become a mass murderer of props. Yet when asked for comments, all he could say was “drink it in, man”.

Winner: Dean Ambrose, and the cleanup crew.

Natalya vs. Charlotte

Submission match for the Women’s Championship

Ah, finally, Ric Flair is banned from ringside. It’s about time daddy’s little girl stood on her own two feet before brutalizing her opponent and putting them in a figure four leg lock. Without Ric, that leaves the WWE Universe wondering–can Charlotte keep the belt without her father’s help? After all, Natalya’s a veteran! She’s been around for quite some time and the skills under her belt are vast.

Winner: Charlotte retains, and my heart dies.

Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles

Extreme Rules Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Well, this is going to be absolutely brutal. These two have issues, and there are not enough tissues in the world to help them. It’s safe to say they hate each other, and I’m not sure that the belt even matters. But rather, the more important part seems to be hurting the other in the process, and the belt is just a nice side order that comes with it.

As expected: Anderson, Gallows, and The Usos come down to ensure their team captains have the best chance of winning.

Winner: Roman Reigns retains with a mid-air spear. 

Bonus Surprise: Seth Rollins appears after Roman’s victory and hits him with the pedigree! Oh how I have missed you!

Payback: Highlights (5/1/16)

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Holy crap, it’s May. Isn’t that insane? Feels like just yesterday it was WrestleMania and Brock Lesnar half-assed what could have been match of the year.

Ah, sweet memories.

Anywho… the buildup has been a little odd, hasn’t it? Shane has been running the program even though he lost to the Undertaker, so that’s peculiar and makes no sense, but okay! Ryback and Kalisto haven’t had much of a buildup at all, Bret Hart will be in Natalya’s corner tonight but he doesn’t want to be there. Man, is that a horrible start to May or a great start?

Kickoff Match

Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Ziggler

Bet you thought Kalisto and Ryback were going to be on the pre-show, right? Ha! Loser…

No it’s fine, me too. They changed it up on me last second and I write these things 5 minutes in advance. It’s really throwing me for a loop having to write it on the spot. Honestly, I feel frazzled. Regardless, Dolph’s kind of showing some desperation lately with his matches. He’s getting a little too anxious, losing his cool when he goes against Baron, signs of a man being fearful of loss rather than a man willing to do any and everything. Baron’s keeping his cool. As a lone wolf he doesn’t stress out–not until things go absolutely wrong at the end and he has to punish someone for his own wrongdoings. Ah, I love people.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler

Kalisto vs. Ryback

United States Championship

David versus Goliath part two, at least for these two. Was there ever a canon sequel for that story? If not, consider this now canon and part of the biblical universe. Why they’re fighting again, I’m not sure but perhaps there’s one viewer that actually knows this very well. Kalisto might get destroyed for real this time considering the giant sour cream and onion chip on Ryback’s shoulder. But….that little guy is feisty! Who knows what insane, death defying stunt he’ll pull.Plus, Ryback’s on the pre-show again. Maybe the rage will give him extra strength.

Winner:  Kalisto retains the championship, and surprisingly has good in-ring chemistry with Ryback.

Payback

Enzo Amore and Big Cass vs. The Vaudevillains

#1 Contendership for the WWE Tag Team Titles

This is….this is absolutely magical. Smacktalker Skywalker and his own personal Chewbacca are going to take on the carnival rejects from that one, really, really grumpy town out in the middle of nowhere. This surely would have been a great match.

Unfortunately, Enzo hit the mad incredibly hard while attempting to slide out of the ring, and the match ended. As of this writing, Enzo has been diagnosed with a concussion and other tests have come out negative. Here’s hoping to a speedy and healthy recovery.

 Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn

Best friends turned bitter rivals. Ah, I love the smell of two former friends beating the crap out of each other. It smells like personal, vengeance, and probably a bit of blood. Kevin Owens plays the perpetual victim, and everyone’s cheering for our precious Sami Zayn to knock some sense into him.

Winner: Kevin Owens kicks Sami Zayn into a new galaxy

The Miz vs. Cesaro

Intercontinental Championship

The Miz has really stepped his game in recent weeks, but you know what they say. Behind every man is a great, wonderful, powerful woman that’s really the one to make sure you get what you deserve and or want. Can Cesaro, the man that’s probably going to be cast for a WWE style Transporter knock off movie, take the belt from him? Well, one can certainly hope so!

Winner: The Miz retains both the title and a great relationship with his wife.

Dean Ambrose vs. Chris Jericho

Do it for the potted plant, Ambrose.

It’s about time Ambrose got some revenge on Chris Jericho for screwing up his match with Roman against the Wyatt Family all those eons ago. C’mon, baby, it’s only right! Someone has to stop Jericho and his mad streak of terrorizing superstars. He’s already wearing scarves to highlight his madness, how far is Jericho going to go?!

Winner: Dean Ambrose! Now Jericho can sit in the corner shedding tears of blood.

Natalya vs. Charlotte

WWE Women’s Championship

Well this will be fun. Ric Flair is under investigation for possibly being drunk at an airport, and Bret Hart really doesn’t want to be there. So, the two men that aren’t even in the match are clearly having the time of their lives. As for the women, well, Charlotte’s been reigning supreme for quite some time. Yet this time around, perhaps it’s time for the real Queen Natalya’s reign to begin.

Winner: Charlotte retains after WWE recreates the Montreal Screwjob. Its successor will now be called the Chicago Screwjob.

#RAWDecision

You know who doesn’t care? The live audience in the arena. Then again, they don’t care about anything, they like hijacking the show.

The takeaway here is that Shane and Stephanie are both in charge of RAW.

Okay maybe another important takeaway here is that Vince said he wants blood to be shed. Okay, where’s his father of the year award? Time for Titus to pass it down to Vince.

Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles

WWE World Heavyweight Championship.

On this day in WWE history, smarks cried at the possibility of Roman Reigns beating AJ Styles. Why? No one knows. There’s one theory out there about wrestling fans becoming hipsters that go out of their way to detest home-grown wrestlers….but that individual harbors too much common sense to deal with said people. Said people don’t realize that even booing him still help. Any reaction is better than no reaction, that’s for sure.

As for AJ, the fans are going to be behind him for the most part. However, they may be so focused on hating Roman that they’ll forget to chant for AJ. Let’s not forget Anderson, Gallows, and the Usos who have clearly taken sides in this showdown. Will Styles’ old buddies return to help him, or are they secretly plotting against him?

Winner: AJ Styles wins by count out, BUT Roman Reigns retains the title.

Bonus Surprise: Shane McMahon has some words to say. Match restarts with no count outs.

Winner again: AJ Styles, because apparently a low-blow happened….but Reigns is still champion!

Bonus Surprise 2: Stephanie McMahon now has some words. The match restarts, no count out and now no disqualifications. Oh dear, that one upsmanship will get these two killed.

Winner for the 3rd time: Roman Reigns retains his championship.

My what a night full of incredible matches. All that’s left is the fallout to be encountered on RAW. The rematches that will take place, the set ups for Extreme Rules, and how Stephanie and Shane can possibly run the show together.

The IWC: Too Much Power…

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The IWC (Internet Wrestling Community) is quite good at starting movements. From the rise of Daniel Bryan to the Diva’s Revolution. However, do these movements actually work? Does the IWC have too much power? Shall their power be used for good, or for pure unadulterated evil?

Originally posted on Smark N Mark. To read the full article, please click here.

What’s Next for WWE?

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Ah WWE, a haven for controversy driven by top men of the business that have the mentality of being back in 1990. Once again these men are faced with a challenge, and the question now is whether or not they’ll let this break their kneecaps with a sledgehammer, or will they overcome it.

With Seth Rollins now out on injury for possibly 6-9 months, WWE has lost their top evil doer and their World Heavyweight Champion. This is the cherry on top of: Randy Orton being out on injury, John Cena taking time off, and Brock Lesnar finishing his tiny little disagreement with the UnderTaker…who is now possibly inside the soul of Bray Wyatt.

Or whatever is in place of Bray Wyatt’s soul, at least.

Now what does this mean for WWE?

For one, it’s an opportunity. They’ve made the mistake of ignoring a great portion of the talent they have and have settled with long-winded self righteous promos that will make you fall asleep at some point, no matter how good the speaker is. Oh, and John Cena having his hands in everything and yada yada America. Right. We get it.

The program has revolved around a central point for 5 hours a week, and it’s boring.

But with all focal points gone they really have a chance to bring new people into the spotlight. For other members of the roster to put on draw-dropping matches and have feuds that can make history! Hell, there may be an actually half-decent and somewhat entertaining story to enjoy!

But…what will WWE do?

One can hope that they’ll take the route of newfound creativity, but what’s more likely to happen? That? Or a phone call to Brock Lesnar or John Cena–begging for them to return so that they have something to entertain people with even if they’ve seen it millions of times before.

After all, nothing screams WWE quite like relying on old talent and raising everyone up onto a pedestal except for new, readily available people who have yet to shine.

**OR talent who have had the light shine down upon them from the WWE Universe, but are ignored because they weren’t hand-plucked by the crotchety old man himself**