Hell in a Cell: Highlights (10/30/2016)

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Allow me to say: this historic “triple main event” business is garbage. You cannot have three main events. The main event is the last match that caps off the show because it’s pretty much the best damn thing you’re supposed to see all night. By saying there’s three main events you’re saying: well in case Sasha vs. Charlotte doesn’t go over well, I’ve got two other matches to fall back on and say THAT was the main event. It’s poop. Hogwash, bullshit.

You don’t say you’re having a “triple season premiere”, that’s ridiculous! Triple main event is just as ridiculous.

Kick Off Match

 

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Cedric Alexander, Lince Dorado, Sin Cara vs. Tony Nese, Drew Gulak, Ariya Daivari

The RAW roster is making good use of their cruiserweight division, and that’s by having the gang open up the show with a flippy-flippy, mega agile, jaw-dropping type of match. Now I like the cruiser weights, and I love fast paced matches like this, but let’s make sure no one flips off into oblivion, yeah?

Winners: Cedric Alexander, Lice Dorado, Sin Cara

Hell in a Cell

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Roman Reigns vs. Rusev

United States Championship Hell in a Cell Match

This is one of three main events for the night, and it’s starting off our Hell in a Cell PPV. Hopefully they have a spare cell lying around somewhere for the next two matches, in case these brutes destroy the structure a la Mick Foley and The Undertaker. Who will take the match? No one knows, Roman’s going against a discount Wolverine right now. The power of looking like Wolverine could give Rusev some mystical sort of power boost. It’s anyone’s game!

Winner:  Roman Reigns retains the title – after an oddly kinky/erotic match.

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Bayley vs. Dana Brooke

I can’t help but feel like this match resembles a middle schooler deciding to beat the ever living shit out of a wee little first grader. There’s just something about this dynamic between the two of them. For some reason Bayley’s happiness and cinnamon-roll like demeanor just reminds me of the purest of small children. Can’t imagine why, doubt it’s the bright colors, or the wacky waving…something something something tube men. Then there’s Dana, the arrogant, patronizing woman you want to punch in the face because she’s just so good at making you despise her. AH, storytelling, it’s lovely.

Winner: Bayley

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Big Cass, Enzo Amore vs. Luke Gallows, Karl Anderson

I know that whenever Enzo is in a match, I can look forward to someone picking him up and throwing him around like a blow up doll. Whether that’s his opponent, or his partner, it’s always fun to see him fly. Plus, he does bring me great joy by discussing how generic Karl Anderson is, it’s like talking about every single white boy ever..one white boy to another. What? Where was I? Big Cass made a Larry Bird pun. I can’t, it’s only hour two, they’re too entertaining and it’s draining my energy.

Winners: Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson, YAAAAY! 

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Seth Rollins vs. Kevin Owens

WWE Universal Championship Hell in a Cell Match

I look forward to this match being absolutely absurd and ridiculous. From Kevin’s beautiful quips during the match, to Seth ultimately doing a very, very stupid, death defying stunt. I don’t even know if I can make a joke about this. Oh, maybe I can say something about the former golden child now fighting the new golden boy to redeem his place. Eh…no, it just doesn’t go. Enjoy the second main event of the night!

Winner: Kevin Owens retains the championship….fuck that was a great match.

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TJ Perkins vs. Brian Kendrick

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

After the promo shown for this match up, all I could think about was that Gotye song, Somebody That I Used To Know. Man, sounds like things were pretty tight between these two. Welp. Not no more. Game nerd is about to destroy homeless looking Jesus.

Winner: Brian Kendrick via submission, and now that he’s won I assume he’ll get a haircut.

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The New Day vs. Cesaro, Sheamus

Raw Tag Team Championship Match

I’m so torn on who I want to win. Cesaro is one of my favorite wrestlers…but he’s paired with Sheamus, my favorite wrestler not because I like his abilities but because I love to make dumb jokes about him and his hair….and his ability to shine bright like a diamond on his entrance. Then there’s The New Day, and I adore them as well but they’ve had the titles for so long… alright, I made up my mind. Cesaro can hold both tag team title belts by himself, because he’s the Swiss Superman.

Winners: Cesaro and Sheamus via disqualification, but The New Day retains the titles. Fuck.

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Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte

Raw Women’s Championship Hell in a Cell Match

Finally, the third (and actual) main event of the night! Both women had incredible entrances that suited them so well. They had men CARRYING them and escorting them, far from the usual of women walking their men to the ring. Good, reverse the roles!

I’m ready for them to utterly destroy each other, as the first women to step inside HIAC.  It’s a historic moment for both these ladies, especially Sasha, who gets to do this in her home town.

Winner: Charlotte wins! 

What a pay per view! Every HIAC match was incredible, and as the main event, and the first women’s HIAC match, the ladies killed it! As well as each other, I mean, that was just….god it was brutal. What a match.

 

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The Raw Bits: Grandpa Mick’s Warnings (Highlights 10/24/16)

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RAW starts out with us learning that someone has stolen the List of Jericho. Someone had the audacity to steal his most prized possession, hell…this seems like it’s borderline kidnapping. Something tells me the list might meet an untimely end like Dean’s old friend Mitch the plant.

Seth Rollins, god complex.

He has a god complex, right? I mean, he says he’s going to make sure Kevin Owens won’t be fit enough to walk around with the title ‘The Man’. I mean, this guy really, truly believes he’s all that, a bag of chips, and a tall glass of Dr. Pepper. Sigh, this is what happens when the Authority just feeds into his ego and treats him like the spoiled brat he is…

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Shame on Sheamus!

Finally, someone (The New Day) is finally shaming Sheamus! Thank goodness, that man is a mess, a former shell of himself. Quite frankly, he’s just a giant bully with an awful hairdo. The man needs to be shamed for a little while, humble the guy, let him get his shit together. I will never respect the hawk.

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Mick Foley still has unresolved feelings about the Cell.

I think he has a few souvenirs from HIAC, maybe that’s why. This segment takes me back to his little chat with Seth and Dean-warning them that the match changes who you are. You might come out a shell of your former self. Hell, you may leave with less limbs than you entered with.

However, Charlotte really stole the show coming into her own as the evil Queen. She brought the fire in the match between her and Sasha. Bringing up her tendency to get injured easily? Oh dear, she’s going to make this match a brutal one.

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RAW was okay, I mean, it was missing a very crucial part. It should have had Mick talking to the male competitors for HIAC this coming Sunday. He spoke to Sasha and Charlotte, so he should’ve extended his warnings! A nice locker room talk, where he’s wrapped the superstars in warm blankets and makes them hot cocoa in order to soothe their worries during the explanation of the soon to be devastating ordeal. I just feel like that really would have sold the idea of how scary and life changing HIAC is.

 

 

The Raw Bits: Highlights (10/10/16)

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Monday Night Raw started with the crowd welcoming WWE Women’s Champion Sasha Banks to the ring. Chants of “you deserve it” filled the arena, and quite frankly I’m not sure how I feel about that. It seems like every time the crowd chants those words, they turn on the performer within a month, seeming to be bored and over with their new champ anyway.

Rusev interrupts the Queen

Rusev and Lana interrupted the great queen Charlotte’s entrance as she made her way to the ring to accept Sasha’s challenge for a Hell in a Cell match. First of all: how dare you? Second of all yes give me more of this, this segment was great and Charlotte did a damn good job of making sure they knew to never steal the spotlight from the queen. Third: Women’s Hell in a Cell Match: YES!!!

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Sheamus has no idea who he is

Sheamus has an identity crisis, it’s very clear with the fact that he came out during Cesaro’s entrance. Sure, one could see this as Sheamus establishing dominance and asserting the idea that he’s better than Cesaro. However, I think it’s more that Sheamus just has no idea who he is anymore. He wants to believe that he’s as great and beloved as Cesaro. A noble goal to try and accomplish, but he’s no Swiss Superman.

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Chris Jericho’s PayDay #Sponsored

We just need to take a moment to appreciate how good of a guy R-Truth is. He heard Jericho’s dilemma and offered him the candy bar. Sure, it wasn’t what Jericho was talking about but damn it, that was so nice of Truth! In the end Jericho didn’t get his candy bar, but hopefully he’s getting a great pay day.

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All things Jericho.

I realized that most of the rest of this post would just be about Chris Jericho, because he’s been killing it this evening.So, I’ll finish it up this way. Chris Jericho in the ring with Kevin, Foley, and Stephanie: fantastic. Chris Jericho backstage with Kevin Owens and Tom Phillips: hilarious. Chris Jericho with Stephanie discussing the power of friendship: incredible. I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m finding Jericho to be pretty damn entertaining. It’s a bit ridiculous, I feel like I have to put him on my lit for being too much.

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The beginning of RAW was pretty good,but as per usual I started to lose interest midway through hour two. I can’t help it, the program is just so damn long and I have the attention span of a goldfish.

The Raw Bits: 9/12/16

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Here are all the bits I liked or I downright despised about Monday Night RAW from September 12, 2016.

Opening Segment

The opening segment featuring: Mick Foley, Sasha Banks,Charlotte, Dana Brooke, and Bayley was fantastic. Charlotte has stepped up her gave as a heel by about several notches and she is thoroughly entertaining. In addition to that: Bayley’s bashfully adorable, Dana’s a ticking time bomb of hate against Charlotte, and Sasha has enough attitude to last her several lifetimes.

My favorite bit would have to be Sasha’s jacket being hurled into Charlotte’s face. Look, she clearly didn’t throw it. All she wanted was for Charlotte to hang it up for her, but instead, for some odd reason Charlotte felt the need to use her own face to do so.

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Sami Zayn & Chris Jericho

I loved this entire segment, mostly because it’s Chris Jericho hyping up his relationship with Kevin Owens and shoving it down Sami Zayn’s throat. It’s like watching the new girlfriend wave her brand new passionate relationship in front of the ex and it’s a beautiful argument that ends in Sami calling Jericho nothing more than Kevin Owens’ bitch.

Clearly Sami is jealous that Kevin never supported him the way Chris supports Kevin, he just wants a loving relationship like JeriKO has!

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Nia Jax Decimates Alicia Fox

My god, she speared her right through the barricade. That’s all you need, she destroyed her, and it was incredible.

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Kevin Owens Putting Seth Rollins In Place

Listen, we all know that Kevin is the new golden boy for Triple H. Seth’s taking Randy’s place as the ginger step child tossed to the side and forgotten and he doesn’t like it. Ya know what I like? Kevin making everything seem so much worse by pointing out to Seth that Triple H no longer supports him. Ah, nothing like getting abandoned by your father.

I’m here for banter between Seth and Kevin, nothing like watching two grown men argue like children and make fun of Seth’s cackling while they’re at it.

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Overall, I’m pretty happy with RAW. Was it a five star event and every waking moment was incredible? Nope, of course not, and I don’t think there’s ever going to be an episode of any show where it’s perfect from start to finish. Start was great, middle was good, finish was awesome! I was more entertained than I was bored throughout the program and that sounds like a win to me.

WWE Battleground 2016 Results (7/24/16)

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Kickoff

The Usos vs. Breezango

Essentially, this match is a set of twins not of the breast variety, against a pair of Zoolander devotees.

Result: The Usos get got and Breezango wins!

Battleground

Charlotte, Dana Brooke vs. Sasha Banks, Mystery Partner

It’s finally revealed! Can Charlotte and Dana overcome Sasha and her mystery partner, now revealed to be Bayley?

Result: Charlotte and Dana Brooke get got because Charlotte tapped out to Sasha Banks. Bayley and Sasha Banks win!

The New Day vs. The Wyatt Family

It’s possible that Bray Wyatt’s hold over Xavier Woods will be what starts the downfall of the longest reigning WWE World Tag Team Champions. That would be horrifying to see the Wyatt family destroy the beacon of positivity within the WWE.

Result: The New Day gets got, The Wyatt Family wins.

Rusev vs. Zack Ryder

WWE United States Championship

I feel the need to point out that Lana’s dressed as though the wedding will happen the second the match is over. I suppose that’s fine, so long as there’s refreshments and stuff. Or tissues, in case Rusev loses.

Result: Zack Ryder gets got, Rusev retains.

Bonus: Mojo Rawley comes out to save his bro from a post-match beat down.

Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn

No matter what the outcome is, these two ex best friends are going to fight forever. Kevin got one over on him last time, but can Sami redeem himself this time around?

Result: Kevin Owens gets got, and Sami Zayn wins

Natalya vs. Becky Lynch

Time for Becky to stand up for herself against yet another friend that turned their back on her. It’s a cruel, cruel world WWE. It destroys friendships every chance it gets.

Result: Becky Lynch gets got, Natalya takes the win

Darren Young vs. The Miz

Intercontinental Championship

Darren Young may have Bob Backlund on his side, but The Miz has Maryse. She’s made him damn near unstoppable since she decided to represent her husband in WWE. Then again Darren’s got newfound confidence in the form of an old white guy that likes to shout!

Result: The Miz gets got via count out, but retains his title.

John Cena, Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. The Club

After this The Club will be split between two brands and will have the ability to expand and draw more members. So even if they do lose, are they really the losers here?

Result: The Club gets got, John Cena, Enzo Amore & Big Cass win

Highlight Reel

Result: It was hilarious.

Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Roman Reigns

WWE World Heavyweight Championship

It’s the Shield triple threat match that’s been decades and centuries in the making. Hot off of a suspension, Roman has a fresh start to prove why he was a three time champion. Seth’s got arrogance on his side to carry him through the match, and Dean is wildly unpredictable.

Result: Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns get got, Dean Ambrose retains!

The WWE World Heavyweight Championship is now on SmackDown, and it’s the beginning of a new era!

 

 

Toxic Environment Women Face in the Professional Wrestling Fandom (part 2, final)

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Continuing on the theme of pointing out the horrific behavior of some male smarks within the WWE–today I discuss the difference between being an intellectual fan and being a whining brat. These observations mostly come from Twitter interactions with or without my inclusion, primarily during Monday Night RAW or any given PPV.

The difference lies in whether or not you’re a man or woman. If you happen to be a male and that’s blatantly obvious, then you’re simply a smark. If you complain about the show nonstop, gripe about your favorite not being at the top, proclaim that another talent is being buried, then you’re a smart fan. You must know exactly what you’re talking about and clearly have a better understanding than most of those that watch WWE today.

Funny enough, most people proudly wear a smark badge, taking pride in predicting a finish or knowing the trajectory of a wrestler.

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However if you’re a female, that’s seen completely differently. When you do any of the previously mentioned things, you’re usually whining or complaining. The reasons being that you’re upset because the one you find most attractive won’t be seen as much. Or you’re mad because you love them so much and that’s the only reason you want them to be the best there is. Not for talent, because women don’t look for that, it’s only based on their looks.

If a male says Dean Ambrose is being buried, it’s because he actually is getting buried. Yet if a woman were to say it, she’s only saying it because she wants him to be at the top all the time. Why? Because she’s apparently in love with him.

First of all, I don’t think you know what the word “buried” means, but that’s for another day.

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Male smarks rarely if ever get challenged by other males when in discussion. Their intelligence is never called to question nor insulted. Yet when a female does it there’s a constant need for proof and factual information. If possible, a link to a video or interview, and timestamp included down to the last possible second.

Then if there’s a disagreement and no resolution to be made? The female fan is often reduced to her looks, she’s called fat, ugly, or they’ll switch it up. Sometimes instead she’ll be a bitch (because she has an intelligent argument) or a whore (what?) and more often than not the harassment only continues to escalate from there. Reaching unsafe, very real threats that make women not want to talk about wrestling and make this environment feel toxic.

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Yet when two males reach a disagreement, what happens? A quick “whatever bro”, a block, maybe the conversation just ends abruptly.

Male smarks hold an elite standing in the WWE fan community. What they say is gospel, and they are all knowing as though wrestling was made only for them. Women are reduced to being labeled as those that only watch because the males are attractive. Reduced to the ones that don’t actually understand the programming or booking, because they’re women and only watch for looks.

God forbid you, a woman, makes an extremely valid point against a male smark. Their argument changes, and they try to twist and turn it around so that you’re actually the one that misunderstood from the very beginning. Their arguments change so much even Donald Trump is astounded by the sheer bullshit they can pull from behind.

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Panda’s Predictions: Battleground (7/24/16)

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WWE Battleground 2016 is upon us, and it is time to guess who will be the ones to get got, and who will be the ones to rise to the top and leave the match victorious. This is the first ever Panda’s Predictions (it’s a work in progress, but I’m feeling the title so far), and things are going to be interesting to predict considering the WWE Draft that just took place.

Kickoff Match:

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The Usos vs. Breezango

This was just recently added to the card as a spur of the moment match. On one side, you have a set of twins (not breasts) that know how to work perfectly with each other. However, they haven’t really faced their opponents this much and that’s where it gets interesting for them.

Breezango isn’t just a team of two very pretty men: they’re two very pretty men who have been doing quite well and clearly model themselves after the Zoolander films.

Prediction: The Usos get got and Breezango wins

Battleground 2016

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Natalya vs. Becky Lynch

This is just sad, isn’t it?! Everyone turns on Becky, and I still have no idea why Natalya’s so mad or suddenly being the bad girl…but watching them brawl is pretty cool and I can get behind it. Somehow I feel like Becky may finally overcome the bully that Natalya has become.

Prediction: Natalya gets got and Becky Lynch wins

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Chris Jericho’s Highlight Reel with special guest: Randy Orton

Okay, this is supposed to hype up Randy’s SummerSlam match with Brock Lesnar. Fine, I get that. I’m just baffled that they’d still have the match considering that Brock failed his UFC drug tests both the night before and the day of. Setting a poor example for the locker room when you suspend some but not all just because the man is a cash cow and you’ve spent far too much money on him. But what do I know, right?

Prediction: Jericho says something funny.

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Rusev vs. Zack Ryder

For the United States Championship

Is anyone else rooting so hard for Zack Ryder right now? On one hand I can’t help but to feel that they want to keep Rusev as this big indestructible powerhouse. On the other hand, Zack’s the ultimate underdog right now and I want him to win! Maybe he’ll gain the win and send Rusev on a tantrum the likes of which even Kevin Owens and Seth Rollins can’t compete with…right?

Prediction: Rusev gets got and Zack Ryder is the new champion

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The Miz vs. Darren Young

For the Intercontinental Championship

In this instance I love The Miz so, so much. He’s the perfect ,arrogant A-list actor and with Maryse at his side he’s only gotten more entertaining. Then we have Darren who is also starting as the underdog in this match, much like Zack before him.A part of me wants The Miz to carry the belt and continue the hilarity, but…

Prediction: The Miz gets got, Darren Young is the new champion.

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Charlotte, Dana Brooke vs. Sasha Banks, Mystery Partner

Okay, so the mystery partner has to be Bayley. Charlotte will be astonished beyond belief, Dana will be terrified, and together Bayley and Sasha will dominate the match! Right? Please let my hopes and dreams come true, I don’t have many.

Prediction: Bayley is Sasha’s partner, Charlotte and Dana get got. Sasha and Bayley win.

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The New Day vs. The Wyatt Family

There are many levels of concern here, mainly for Xavier Woods. Bray looks like he has this creepy sort of hold developing on this poor young lad, and I don’t know if he can hold off any longer! Sure, they escaped the Compound alive–but they barely managed to do that! Could this be the beginning of a newer, stronger family?

Prediction: The New Day gets got, Wyatt Family wins.

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Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn

I think we all need to come to the conclusion that no matter what happens, they’re going to fight forever.They’ve become a dynamic duo that just can’t stop beating the life out of one another, which would be concerning if this wasn’t professional wrestling. Anyway, I don’t know what to say about this match, it could go anywhere. Hell, it could end in a DQ and we’ll never know where that can take us next.

Prediction: Kevin Owens loses his mind and gets got, Sami Zayn wins.

 

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John Cena, Enzo Amore & Big Cass, vs. The Club

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Sorry, couldn’t resist.

A win would be great for Enzo and Big Cass, right? They’re the hot new tag team on the main roster, people would love it if they won. But…people would also love it (or hate it, I can’t tell with crowds these days) if The Club got a win. Now that The Club is split into two rosters, it’s the perfect time for the team to dominate both sides.

Prediction: John Cena,Enzo Amore & Big Cass get got. The Club wins.

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Dean Ambrose vs. Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins

For the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Well damn, we’re finally getting the triple threat we’ve been dying to see since The Shield disbanded. Here’s hoping that there isn’t some freak accident or something that keeps this from happening at Battleground. It would be the equivalent of the universe saying it’s just not meant to be.

We’ve got Roman, coming fresh off of a suspension that may leave him angry and ready to kill just about anyone because of Seth’s constant teasing. Seth’s arrogant and believes the title belongs to him, and Dean…well he’s the wildcard whose proven he can get through anything.

Prediction: Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns get got. Dean Ambrose retains.

That’s all for the prediction post, now we wait until Battleground on July 24th to find out who wins and who gets got.