Holy crap, it’s May. Isn’t that insane? Feels like just yesterday it was WrestleMania and Brock Lesnar half-assed what could have been match of the year.
Ah, sweet memories.
Anywho… the buildup has been a little odd, hasn’t it? Shane has been running the program even though he lost to the Undertaker, so that’s peculiar and makes no sense, but okay! Ryback and Kalisto haven’t had much of a buildup at all, Bret Hart will be in Natalya’s corner tonight but he doesn’t want to be there. Man, is that a horrible start to May or a great start?
Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Ziggler
Bet you thought Kalisto and Ryback were going to be on the pre-show, right? Ha! Loser…
No it’s fine, me too. They changed it up on me last second and I write these things 5 minutes in advance. It’s really throwing me for a loop having to write it on the spot. Honestly, I feel frazzled. Regardless, Dolph’s kind of showing some desperation lately with his matches. He’s getting a little too anxious, losing his cool when he goes against Baron, signs of a man being fearful of loss rather than a man willing to do any and everything. Baron’s keeping his cool. As a lone wolf he doesn’t stress out–not until things go absolutely wrong at the end and he has to punish someone for his own wrongdoings. Ah, I love people.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
Kalisto vs. Ryback
United States Championship
David versus Goliath part two, at least for these two. Was there ever a canon sequel for that story? If not, consider this now canon and part of the biblical universe. Why they’re fighting again, I’m not sure but perhaps there’s one viewer that actually knows this very well. Kalisto might get destroyed for real this time considering the giant sour cream and onion chip on Ryback’s shoulder. But….that little guy is feisty! Who knows what insane, death defying stunt he’ll pull.Plus, Ryback’s on the pre-show again. Maybe the rage will give him extra strength.
Winner: Kalisto retains the championship, and surprisingly has good in-ring chemistry with Ryback.
Enzo Amore and Big Cass vs. The Vaudevillains
#1 Contendership for the WWE Tag Team Titles
This is….this is absolutely magical. Smacktalker Skywalker and his own personal Chewbacca are going to take on the carnival rejects from that one, really, really grumpy town out in the middle of nowhere. This surely would have been a great match.
Unfortunately, Enzo hit the mad incredibly hard while attempting to slide out of the ring, and the match ended. As of this writing, Enzo has been diagnosed with a concussion and other tests have come out negative. Here’s hoping to a speedy and healthy recovery.
Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn
Best friends turned bitter rivals. Ah, I love the smell of two former friends beating the crap out of each other. It smells like personal, vengeance, and probably a bit of blood. Kevin Owens plays the perpetual victim, and everyone’s cheering for our precious Sami Zayn to knock some sense into him.
Winner: Kevin Owens kicks Sami Zayn into a new galaxy
The Miz vs. Cesaro
The Miz has really stepped his game in recent weeks, but you know what they say. Behind every man is a great, wonderful, powerful woman that’s really the one to make sure you get what you deserve and or want. Can Cesaro, the man that’s probably going to be cast for a WWE style Transporter knock off movie, take the belt from him? Well, one can certainly hope so!
Winner: The Miz retains both the title and a great relationship with his wife.
Dean Ambrose vs. Chris Jericho
Do it for the potted plant, Ambrose.
It’s about time Ambrose got some revenge on Chris Jericho for screwing up his match with Roman against the Wyatt Family all those eons ago. C’mon, baby, it’s only right! Someone has to stop Jericho and his mad streak of terrorizing superstars. He’s already wearing scarves to highlight his madness, how far is Jericho going to go?!
Winner: Dean Ambrose! Now Jericho can sit in the corner shedding tears of blood.
Natalya vs. Charlotte
WWE Women’s Championship
Well this will be fun. Ric Flair is under investigation for possibly being drunk at an airport, and Bret Hart really doesn’t want to be there. So, the two men that aren’t even in the match are clearly having the time of their lives. As for the women, well, Charlotte’s been reigning supreme for quite some time. Yet this time around, perhaps it’s time for the real Queen Natalya’s reign to begin.
Winner: Charlotte retains after WWE recreates the Montreal Screwjob. Its successor will now be called the Chicago Screwjob.
You know who doesn’t care? The live audience in the arena. Then again, they don’t care about anything, they like hijacking the show.
The takeaway here is that Shane and Stephanie are both in charge of RAW.
Okay maybe another important takeaway here is that Vince said he wants blood to be shed. Okay, where’s his father of the year award? Time for Titus to pass it down to Vince.
Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles
WWE World Heavyweight Championship.
On this day in WWE history, smarks cried at the possibility of Roman Reigns beating AJ Styles. Why? No one knows. There’s one theory out there about wrestling fans becoming hipsters that go out of their way to detest home-grown wrestlers….but that individual harbors too much common sense to deal with said people. Said people don’t realize that even booing him still help. Any reaction is better than no reaction, that’s for sure.
As for AJ, the fans are going to be behind him for the most part. However, they may be so focused on hating Roman that they’ll forget to chant for AJ. Let’s not forget Anderson, Gallows, and the Usos who have clearly taken sides in this showdown. Will Styles’ old buddies return to help him, or are they secretly plotting against him?
Winner: AJ Styles wins by count out, BUT Roman Reigns retains the title.
Bonus Surprise: Shane McMahon has some words to say. Match restarts with no count outs.
Winner again: AJ Styles, because apparently a low-blow happened….but Reigns is still champion!
Bonus Surprise 2: Stephanie McMahon now has some words. The match restarts, no count out and now no disqualifications. Oh dear, that one upsmanship will get these two killed.
Winner for the 3rd time: Roman Reigns retains his championship.
My what a night full of incredible matches. All that’s left is the fallout to be encountered on RAW. The rematches that will take place, the set ups for Extreme Rules, and how Stephanie and Shane can possibly run the show together.