SmackDown: Taking Souls & Diggin’ Holes (Highlights 11/15/16)

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The 900th episode of SmackDown live is brought to you by Mauro Ranallo, who promises that it will be L-I-T. Given that I trust this man, I’m going to assume that he’s correct and it’s going to be a great night.

Maryse wins the title!

Okay maybe she didn’t win and The Miz is actually holding it….but she won for her husband. Maryse is the MVP of SmackDown and she’s the best wife in the world for helping her husband. I look forward to her turning on him and holding the championship herself.

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Natalya be Tubthumping.

Honestly she’s a great coach, speaking such wise words of Chumbawamba wisdom to Alexa Bliss. Team SmackDown is extremely lucky.

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Nikki vs. Carmella

It is VICIOUS between the two of them. There’s so much feeling and emotion there and I’m actually interested in this story because it’s not some garbage they threw together last second for Total Divas. It’s also allowing them to be vicious and “go hard” just like the guys do when feuds are continuous like this. It’s different, and I like it.

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RAW Invades SmackDown

WHAT?! It was AWESOME. Nia Jax made a clean sweep tossing around the entire women’s SmackDown team before the ladies managed to regain control. Plus Naomi did a beautiful splash off of the top rope. Ugh, fantastic.I’d love to see more of this. These two matches/segments didn’t feel exclusively female like WWE’s been doing for years, they felt like two matches/segments that would apply to any gender.

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“Taking souls and diggin’ holes.”

God damn it, Undertaker is so cool.

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WWE SmackDown: Backlash 2016

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Backlash: SmackDown Brand (9/11/16)

Today we watch the very first SmackDown exclusive pay-per-view, Backlash. Tonight is the first chance for a brand exclusive PPV to shine. Will SmackDown impress viewers, fans and skeptics alike? Or will it lose in the battle of going toe to toe with the Raw brand?

Kickoff

Apollo Crews vs. Baron Corbin

Everyone wants to be the new face that runs the place! According to Baron, Apollo’s get a spelling bee to focus on and shouldn’t even bother being on SmackDown because he’s a nobody. Apollo isn’t sweating it at all, he knows he can spell and can shine.

Winner: Apollo Crews gets got, Baron Corbin wins!

Backlash

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Becky Lynch vs. Natalya vs. Naomi vs. Alexa Bliss vs. Nikki Bella vs. Carmella

Six pack elimination match for the WWE SmackDown Women’s Championship

It’s time to choose the first ever SmackDown brand Women’s champion. There’s plenty of worthy contenders here, all vying for the opportunity to be the female face that runs the place.

Winner: Becky Lynch is the first SmackDown Women’s Champion

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The Usos vs. The Hype Bros

Winners face Heath Slater and Rhyno for the Tag Team Championships.

The Usos get a chance to fight for the tag titles due to American Alpha being out of commission, how unfortunate for them! Now it’s time for The Usos to make the most out of the second opportunity….but, the Hype Bros might be too much to handle.

Winners: Hype Bros get got, The Usos win!

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The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler

For the InterContinental Championship

The Miz has a chance to prove himself against Dolph Ziggler, a man who constantly feels the need to prove himself and like he’s never done enough. Really, Dolph’s stuck in his own head with what everyone says about him, whereas Miz seems to be fully confident and aware of his abilities.

Winner: The Miz retains, and Dolph Ziggler gets got

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Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton

Unfortunately for the WWE Universe, Randy Orton was deemed unable to compete due to injury because Bray Wyatt had jumped him. in reality, the utterly careless Brock Lesnar is the reason for Randy not being cleared to compete. I say we put Brock on an island by himself away from humanity.

Winner: Bray Wyatt, via disqualification.

Don’t worry, we have a great substitute.

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Bray Wyatt vs. Kane

No disqualification

Well, it’s different than assuming a member of the Wyatt family would emerge from the swamp and destroy him. However, I’ll gladly take this nice little surprise!

Example Surprise: Randy Orton entering the ring to hit Bray with an RKO.

Winner: Bray Wyatt gets got with a quick trip to ViperVille. Kane wins!

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The Usos vs. Rhyno , Heath Slater

SmackDown Tag Team Championships

The Usos have taken full advantage of their second chance, and only have Rhyno and Heath Slater in their way. However, Heath desperately needs that above ground pool for his family. With all fifty of his kids watching, hopefully he can pull out the win.

Winners: The Usos get got. Rhyno and Heath Slater are the inaugural SmackDown Tag Team Champions. Now Heath can get that damn pool.

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Dean Ambrose vs. AJ Styles

For the WWE World Championship

This has been quite the heartbreaking feud if either of them plan on having any, or more children. Testicles have been crushed, we’ve learned that AJ doesn’t believe in participation trophies and likes to take tokens from his victims as a reminder of his victories. Serial killer-ish? Yes, which is surprising considering he’s not the man often referred to as the lunatic fringe. Now it’s time for Dean to prove himself against the face that runs the place.

Winner: Dean Ambrose gets got with a low blow, AJ Styles is the new champion!

Something tells me Dean might lose his damn mind on Tuesday, live on SmackDown!

 

 

SmackDown: Respect the Hawk! RESPECT IT! (9/17/15 Highlights)

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So I’m sure everyone’s over the moon excited to see the ‘Bella-bration’ on SmackDown. Right? Plus ya know, RAW really wasn’t all that great in terms of building up to Night of Champions…so SmackDown has some pretty massive boots to fill.

Will they filled? …Eh….

Highlights

Sheamus throwing a tantrum over his appearance.

Dude, don’t be so insecure! As long as you like your new hawk, that’s all that matters. Even if, ya know, you do look kind of stupid.

Naomi pinned Paige for the win.

Yay! Finally Naomi wins something, it feels like it’s been centuries since that’s happened.

Big E’s sign has two sides.

“Wait 4 it…” on one side, and “#Booty” On the other. I love it.

The New Day’s entire promo was fantastic.

They just get better and better with age…weekly age. Or daily age, rather. Look, they’re amazing okay? I respect their love of tables! Mother Nature respects it too.

Cesaro’s reversal of the choke slam.

Good god almighty Big Show’s arm was a stripper pole….

Hmm, Nikki’s celebration seems awfully familiar…

Well, this is just downright pathetic and lazy.

Sheamus throws yet another tantrum in the middle of his match.

Of course it’s about his hair. Seth looks beyond amused listening to this. As for Roman and Dean? Ah, this is just pitiful to them.

So….what are the chances that the third partner for Roman and Dean, is Bray’s mom? Bray’s mom is obviously not amused in the slightest with her son’s cooky little cult and decides to discipline and humiliate him in front of the entire WWE Universe. Nothing like a harsh scolding from your mama as a way to lose a match? Right?

I kid. It’s a joke, I’ll go bow my head in shame now.

Why the Diva’s Revolution Pisses People Off

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#GiveDivasAChance

There was a time when the WWE Universe was vying for a change within the Divas division of the main roster.

Okay, thats an understatement. The Divas, the fans, everyone and their mothers were hoping for a change. They wanted the main roster to be more like NXT. Long matches that showcased their magnificent wrestling abilities, as well as storylines that people cared about.

Shockingly enough, people are tired of catty women slapping each other around. They’re tired of insults concerning their looks, the brands they decide to wear, whether they’re preppy or geeky–it’s horrible.It demeans the women, and you’d think that with all the care they put out into make the program PG, they’d have more care in what they’re writing.

We’ve got bad guys, the stereotypical villain that kids know not to emulate because he’s wrong. Unless you know…you really do want to be bad. We’ve got heroes that send great messages of friendship and triumph, and conquering your fears and the bully keeping you down. Tales of the underdog succeeding.

Then we have the women’s division. Slapping each other and putting the other one down like a dreadful episode of Degrassi. It angers everyone. Ah yes, that clearly takes up a lot of brain power.

The point of the “Diva’s Revolution” was completely missed. Yes, the likes of Sasha Banks, Charlotte, and Becky Lynch were added to the main roster to showcase their abilities, but not to be thrown into repetitive tag matches that never change.

People didn’t want them to be brought up just to have them there. People wanted them to be incorporated, to lead the revolution.  People wanted them to work with the current Divas on the roster–all of them–not just the ones that have been highlighted and already dominating the show.

Why isn’t Natalya a part of this? Why is she being reduced to a valet or comical opponent of Torito? Why is Tamina always the one taking the loss, or Naomi being brushed aside for a title run? Summer Rae and Lana bicker and fight over their boyfriends all the time–and the only time we see Cameron is on Total Divas.

This Revolution pisses everyone off because it’s exactly what it was never meant to be. Cat fights, the same old matches done over and over again with overly-predictable outcomes. Is there a story at all? No. Is anyone actually going for the title, or just settling for whining about who’s better and trying to put the other one down?

It’s the latter, in case you haven’t noticed. Although crowds definitely have. The Brooklyn crowd from Monday Night RAW post-SummerSlam noticed, and boy did they voice their discontent. Disrespectful? Yes, absolutely, but it’s also pointing out the fact that people are tired of the same old, catty garbage.

There will be no change with the Diva’s Revolution until the powers that be realize that pathetic, middle school drama should be left for ABC Family. It’s exhausting, for both viewers and for the athletes busting their asses day in and day out…and for what?

To be shoved to the side? To be reduced to a clique fighting with another?

Oh no, something has to change, for good.

SmackDown: Cesaro, the Batman of the WWE (8/13/15 Highlights)

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Ah SmackDown, we meet again! We are so close, yet so far away from SummerSlam, I can practically taste the dirty water Brooklyn hot dogs and swell the sweet scent of train station urine. Ah, memories…

But for now, we must focus on SmackDown. What is there possibly left to do in the lead up to the PPV?!

Highlights

Seth Rollins sounded like a Harry Potter villain with the way he said ‘Neville’.

He probably had a marathon of all the films earlier.

Neville saying “and on and on and on and on and on…”

Until Cesaro comes out. So, is that his version of the bat signal? You mock how much Seth talks until Cesaro appears?

Luke Harper was born holding the Devil’s hand.

What does that even mean? Did his mother birth the Devil as well? Was Lucifer himself fully grown, or also an infant? Did the Devil just reach up in there to hold his hand or what…?

Post-match brawl between the Wyatt Family, Dean, and Roman.

Roman leaps like a beautiful ballerina, Dean’s throwing himself all over everyone, the Wyatts make love to a barricade…

Ah, what a time to be alive.

Titus tossing Big E to the side.

Like a pimp letting go his oldest ho, that must be a tough thing to deal with.

Cesaro press-slammed Seth from the ring until…well..

Hell, Seth almost hit the barricade.

Dayuuuuuum.

Talk about taking out the trash.

Cesaro countering the pin into a sharpshooter.

Such a fluid movement, it was wonderful.

He didn’t win, Seth picked up the cheap win, but the counter was great.

Okay…I did what I could for SmackDown this week. They’re just all a bunch of little teasers for SummerSlam, they can only show so much! Makes you wonder what will happen on RAW….

DUN DUN DUN

RAW: The Green Arrow Strikes! ( 8/10/15 Highlights)

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RAW! Tonight we see The Green Arrow himself! Or…is it Stephen Amell? Only time will tell, and what will this showdown bring to the table? Hero versus Villain? Will the Hero take out the Villain early on, or will this battle rage on and nearly destroy the entire universe?

I mean….probably not, you know…that’s…that’s a little  too catastrophic, this isn’t some doomsday plot or anything. But you know, it’ll be something!

Highlights

Seth: He’s [John Cena] not straight outta compton…he’s straight outta action.

You dork.

Really? Really?! I guess I can’t comment on that…I would have said the same thing.

John’s giant, busted face via satellite.

Yabba dabba doo mother fuckers, John just wanted to inform the C-nation that he now has to give up his career due to his nose job from Picasso.

Surgery, Recovery, Rehab is the new motto. Good for you Cena.

Kevin, Randy, Cesaro entering the ring trying to get a title shot.

Poor Seth is the little lamb backed into a corner while everyone fights over him. He’s so damn popular.

Tamina finally wrestled!

Except it lasted about thirty seconds. At least that one shot she got in was great….it did lead to one hell of a brawl.

Kevin Owens going over the top rope.

Well done you mouthy daredevil. You stayed in the match, and flew over the top rope!

Fly Owens Fly.

The entirety of the triple threat match was golden.

Flying swiss superman, a vintage Randy Orton appears, Kevin Owens learns to fly. It was magical.

Luke stealing Byron’s chair for his beloved Bray.

What a sweet, loving family this is.

Roman rushing at Bray with a superman punch.

To keep that scumbag from going after his best friend during the match. Oh pardon me, I meant brother.

These family dynamics are just  so charming.

Miz saying he’ll rebrand Stephen Amell and teach him how to act once Stardust is done with him.

That’s hysterical, Miz is such a pompous jack ass. But he’s also super giving, seeing as he’s willing to share his talent.

I love it.

Big Show’s had it with the ‘please retire’ chants.

“Find someone to retire me.”

Crowd better calm down, looks like Big Show is seconds away from running into the crowd and eating everyone in sight.

Oh wait…that’s Ryback’s job…right?

I don’t know, they’re practically twins at this point.

Hey….they’d make a great remake of Arnold’s movie if they actually did that.

Summer putting Lana in the accolade.

Well hot damn, good for you girl. Actually, the whole punishing Rusev’s ex-girlfriend because he’s petty and psychotic isn’t exactly good.

But executing the submission maneuver is great!

Green Arrow attacking Stardust.

Sorry, I mean Stephen Amell attacking Stardust. Man, I see why Stardust gets so confused. They’re practically one in the same!

All confusion aside, Green–I mean, Stephen really went bonkers on Stardust. Let this be a lesson to everyone, never slap an superhero–I mean actor!

Green Arrow and Neville versus Wade Barrett and Stardust at Summer Slam!

Sweet lord of the rings, my inner nerd is bouncing across the walls. There’s a superhero in our midst! For real!

Plus I do enjoy the fact that it’s the Green Arrow, and Neville’s finisher is the red arrow.

It’s like Green Arrow and Speedy, how precious.

I like how Sheamus and Randy seem to have this childish thing going on where if one of them does anything, the other needs to ruin it for them. Good grief you guys, you’re adults! Act like it it once in awhile! Occasionally at least….settle it over rock paper scissors or something. Or maybe with a fist fight–

Oh…..I see what they’re doing, okay then!

But honestly, get over yourselves, you do this all the time, and this isn’t a classic like Triple H and Shawn Michaels…it’s just there.

SmackDown: Sassy Roman is Sassy (8/6/15 Highlights)

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I don’t even know what to say about SmackDown this week. I’ve already done the ‘it’s a repeat of RAW’ bit a hundred million and one times already…oh, maybe that can be the running gag. I’ll repeat this introduction every week until there’s a change on the show.

Yeah! That’ll keep people entertained!

Highlights

Roman makes fun of Rusev in the best way.

Points out that the man is creepy, sexist, and makes fun of the fact that he calls his new girlfriend ‘Hot Summer’. Good grief, this opening was every bit as entertaining it could have been–and then some!

Somewhere out there, Lana is giggling with glee, and Dolph Ziggler is hoping that Roman doesn’t charm his way into his girlfriend’s heart.

I think Darren Young killed Xavier and Kofi all by himself.

My body hurts just from witnessing that.

Naomi scored a win!

About damn time!

Stardust calling out Green Arrow.

Stardust is absolutely insane in the membrane, but all he wants is for the Green Arrow to be his hero.

I mean…don’t we all want a hero?

Bray accepts the family vs. family match.

Which is the cheap, knock off of Wyatt Family vs Shield thing everyone loved so dearly. It’s like wanting to buy a Coach bag but instead you go to the shady looking stores on Canal St. and get the 30 dollar knock off.

Everyone knows it’s cheap and horrible, but we’ll try to enjoy it anyway.

Now we wait for Monday, for the appearance of the Green Arrow! Ah, I can’t wait. Will Stardust be singing ‘Hero’, Enrique Iglesias style? Honestly I hope so.