Oh boy! Hell in a Cell! The pay-per-view that was put together what seems to be by a couple of drunken monkeys! The underwhelming build-up, the repetition, the predictability…all a solid formula for WWE these days. Well, let’s see how the night goes, shall we?
Cesaro, Dolph Ziggler, Neville vs. King Barrett, Sheamus, Rusev
“Oh friend! Football friend! Friend!”
Sorry, that’s just a bit of Inbetweeners magic for ya, considering how Barrett seems to be wanting to create a new group of friends for himself lately. So we have the Celtic Warrior with devastating hair issues, Rusev the Whore, and King Barrett….a very social man these days. They’ll be going against the used up playboy Dolph Ziggler, Neville the token PPV high-flyer, and Cesaro…the forgotten one. You gotta love WWE booking logic, right?
Winners: Cesaro, Neville, and Dolph Ziggler….after Cesaro hammed it up, and it was great.
Hell in a Cell
U.S. Open Challenge
John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio!
Ah, once again John Cena makes history! This time it’s with an open challenge on a pay-per-view…against a mystery opponent no less! Well, now his opponent isn’t a mystery, but before he walked out to that ramp no one knew! The question now is…will Cena win? Or will he disappear until December or January with the title?
Did I scream a bit and flail like a child when Alberto Del Rio came out? Yes. Yes I did. In my defense, Zeb Colter came out first and I wanted to stab myself in the eyes if Jack Swagger decided to take the title…but this is Alberto Del Rio, and I’m very much okay with him taking the title.
Winner: Your new United States Champion, Alberto Del Rio! Buh-bye Cena.
Honestly….that match paled in comparison to every open challenge held on RAW.
Bray Wyatt vs. Roman Reigns
Ah, the two cell virgins are going at it!
That phrasing sounds strange, doesn’t it?
These two both have a personal bone to pick with one another. Roman’s is obviously because Bray has taken to ruining his life since Money in the Bank. Bray…? Not sure, he just does what he pleases. Takes pictures of people’s children, cuts the eyes out of them, has his two side bitches beat people up for him…it’s just the way of Bray. So who wins between the psycho swamp thing and the man with a devastatingly bad temper?
Winner: Roman Reigns wins! Maybe now Bray can stop hoarding pictures of him and cutting the mouth out of them. That’s weird.
Tag Team Championship Match
The New Day vs. The Dudley Boyz
Save the tables versus get the tables! Either way, both teams clearly have issues with tables and other useful furniture of the sort. Unfortunately for the New Day, their musician and mouthpiece that never shuts up Xavier Woods has been put out of commission by those dastardly Dudley Boyz. Now that the mouthpiece is gone, can the Dudleyz get one over on New Day without the distraction of Mr. Woods?
Winners: The New Day. Looks like the trombone is the true lucky charm.
Charlotte vs. Nikki Bella
Thank god no one’s allowed at ringside. Hate to sit through them repeating the same type of finish for the hundredth time now. In this match we have Nikki, who has no idea whether or not she’s a good guy or a bad guy. At least Charlotte knows who she identifies as. All that’s left is to sit through the match and wait for the inevitable ‘we want Sasha’ chants.
Winner: Charlotte retains the championship, after she and Nikki nearly murdered each other.
WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Kane vs. Seth Rollins
There’s no way I should have to specify between Corporate Kane and Demon Kane. Kane is freaking Kane, damn it. We all know he’s simply playing mind games with Seth–the specifications are SO unnecessary, especially since either way you cut it “both” versions of Kane are screwed up in the head.
Really screwed up. Question is whose head is more screwed up? Seth’s? Because he’s still rocking the ratchet blonde patch? Oh, and he has this narcissistic, eccentric, spoiled rotten personality that would could rival Tony Stark? Or Kane…
I mean. Kane’s head damage is rather self-explanatory.
Winner: Seth Rollins retains the title, and Kane looks like a pathetic old man getting beat up by the kid bully of the neighborhood.
Kevin Owens vs. Ryback
Ah, well this is a real treat. The happiest man in the WWE with all his self-help books and positivity bullshit. He’ll be going against Kevin Owens–the ever so charming bully that has no problem beating someone into a pulp. Good times to be had by all, yeah?
Fine, maybe not for Ryback. It’s a bad night to be him.
Winner: Kevin Owens retains the title after a match that will surely lead to Ryback finding more self-help books.
The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar
Oh dear. How many times have these two gone at it?
I have no clue, I can’t count that high….but I just hope this is the last of it. It feels like every match with Brock is Taker’s last, because Brock is just so stiff, and well, flat out murderous too. This is just so exhausting! We get it, Brock beat the streak and Taker’s mad.
Just finish it!
We all know Brock will bleed all too quickly. Taker’s going to look like he’s tired for the rest of the match after the first five minutes go by…we know how it goes these days.
Winner: Brock Lesnar, ruining the lives of long-time fans everywhere. Proof that the streak’s end can never actually be redeemed.
Bonus Bit: The Wyatt Family decides to make their grand entrance once again and congratulate him on a job well done. By beating him savagely and kidnapping the man who used to kidnap everyone!
This pay-per-view was brought to you by WWE and Vince McMahon himself, a solid ‘fuck you’ to viewers everywhere.