Seeing Monday Night Raw: LIVE! (3/20/17)

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Yes that’s right, I in fact saw Monday Night Raw, live, at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York on March 20, 2017.

So let’s get down to it: what was it like?

First of all: it’s kind of amazing. When you finally get through security and spend twenty to thirty minutes looking for your seat because every single usher tells you to go to the next staircase: you finally land in your section. I myself had floor seats, section f5. Just about ten or eleven rows back from the barricade, a little before the WrestleMania sign.

The seats were okay. To be frank it was hard to see any of the action over anyone’s heads. To top it all off, the screen showing the fight was blocked by the lights and was basically far too vertical to watch comfortably. In addition to that people decided they were going to stand on their stupid chairs to get the perfect picture. Yes, thank you assholes who needed to do that; because everyone behind you is clearly seven feet tall and can see over you.

And you can’t teach that. Sorry. Moving on!

It felt like a mediocre episode of RAW. I anticipated crazy twists and turns because it’s two weeks to WrestleMania but I didn’t get any of that. I was also hoping I’d see Seth Rollins (even though people swore he was in the crowd at one point before retreating). However, I got to see my queen Stephanie McMahon live; as well as Triple H, Mick Foley, The Undertaker, and Chris Jericho. The Undertaker’s great, but there’s just something about seeing Chris Jericho live that really feels magical and makes me think “holy shit, am I really here”?

By the way, I mostly went because I really, really wanted to see Cesaro (he’s my favorite wrestler if you somehow haven’t gotten that) and his match ended far too quick for my liking. So…very disappointed.

Let’s talk about the chants.

Yes, there was a scandal recently, and of course Brooklyn had to start their charm. Before the show even began they shouted “We want Paige!” to the tune of “New Day Rocks”. Every single time she or Xavier Woods was on the screen they screamed. They also requested the presence of Brad Maddox, and typically CM Punk. Which still, to this day, is extremely pathetic and makes no sense.

CM Punk is not coming back, and if he is it’s going to be a Bret Hart situation twenty or so years from now where it’s just for a paycheck. Then he’ll probably critique a really great young talent horribly.

Then the sections began to fight. Above me the sides were chanting “That side sucks” at each other. My section retorted with “We got floor seats!”, which prompted them to say “floor seats suck!” in return.

It was super juvenile. During a match no less. Great, but yeah, go women’s wrestling right?

Also the children are probably the worst little smarks I’ve ever seen. Yes, I frequently come in contact with smarks that make me sigh heavily and ever regret joining social media platforms and dabbling into the wrestling fandom but I digress. The child behind me was saying just about every single match sucked, said Roman Reigns couldn’t wrestle (really kid?), and other shitty things I typically see adults say on twitter like Nia being fat or Alicia Fox having a busted face. Way to go, preteen. Already an asshole.

Oh, and on an unrelated note: A Bayley fan sat in front of me. Adorable little girl, really sobbed to hell when Bayley lost.

I laughed, I know it’s cruel but….yeah I cackled.

Something I thought was VERY interesting was the reception to Roman. It was very John Cena like, half the arena loved him, half hated him. At some points, the crowd unanimously booed. However, when Roman geared up for that spear and went for his classic “ooaahhh”, every single person belted it out with him in unison; something I frequently confused with boos while watching at home.

So you can’t ever say that Roman doesn’t connect with the fans.

I also didn’t have an experience with persistent males trying to strike up a conversation with me or ask for my number, unlike the last time I went to a WWE show. I’m not sure if it was because I went with a male, or because my exhausted face screamed “look at me and I will ruin your life”; but it was great.

The show was okay, the atmosphere felt like the stupid part of Twitter coming to life…but, it was nice. I just really need to see SmackDown live or stick to house shows.

 

SmackDown: Don’t Poke the Bear 3/19/15

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SmackDown starts with Roman Reigns making an entrance, with all of his cheers shadowed by boos. The man barely gets out one sentence before Mark Henry decides to make another appearance. Mark Henry recaps what happened last week, in which he pushed Roman until the large man speared him into a new century.

After the recap he expresses that he expects Roman to win against Brock Lesnar. Mark does so by almost perfectly quoting Roman’s shirt, “You can, and you will.” How charming, really.

Unfortunately the sweet moment is cut short by the entrance of Seth Rollins with Kane, and his two hobbits. Kane calls Mark Henry a self help guru because of his inspiring words to Roman which…hey, if the shoe fits, right? When Kane is done verbally assaulting them, Seth talks about how the hobbits have hired more security to make sure Randy is out of the arena.

Of course, this is all for Randy’s own good. Obviously if Randy was in the facility he would get the beat down of his life courtesy of Seth Rollins…and everyone his parents have on the pay roll to keep him safe. Really Seth would just stay far away until Randy was immobile.

Seth says he needs a WrestleMania tune up before he fights the viper and that tune up will consist of the main event for the evening being Kane and Seth Rollins versus Mark Henry and Roman Reigns.

Congratulations to the newest Hall of Fame Inductee, ‘The Dragon’, Tatsumi Fujinami

Brie Bella vs. Paige

AJ and Nikki are both on commentary during this match. When AJ is asked about what she’s trying to prove she says that she and Paige are women breaking the mold, and it’s okay to do so and be different and still be successful. On the other end of the spectrum, Nikki says that AJ’s spewing a big ol’ vat o’ crap and that AJ and what she is doing is taking away from the Bellas and their hard work and she silenced them before she left on injury.

Well…..those are some fighting words. Good thing they have a match at WM.

Paige ends the match by countering Brie’s pin. Paige rolls Brie up and pins her for the win.

Promo:Super Secure Hobbits

J and J security make sure that their extra hired security are getting the job done and securing all entrances. Jamie does all the talking and demands authority, while Joey is the more silent fellow. To be fair, I would give up talking too. It’s exhausting.

Gauntlet Match

First:Dean Ambrose vs. Stardust

Stardust is still entertaining in the ring, searching frantically for his precious Ivory Enterprise while Dean is just confused and wondering when on earth they’ll start the match. The ‘Cody’ chants from the crowd seem to throw Stardust off and send him into another mental breakdown. Naturally Dean uses this to take advantage and pin him for the win.

Stardust however is bitter about his loss and continues to assault him after the match.

Second:Dean Ambrose vs. R-Truth

Holy crap, Truth is actually in the ring!

R-Truth runs and and fights with Stardust so he can have his match with Dean. When they manage to get Stardust out, the match finally begins between Dean and Truth…except Stardust still felt a need to interfere. Dean used Stardust’s distraction on Truth to grab him and pin him for the win.

Third:Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper

Luke Harper proves to be more of a challenge for Dean, whether it’s from sheer size and strength or because Dean had previously faced two other opponents. In the end, Dean could not hold out any longer and Luke pinned him for the win.

Quick Promo: Super Secure Hobbits

Don’t worry everyone, these two are still doing everything they can to finally order other people around and make sure the place is safe. Be cautious everyone, there’s a snake afoot!

..Or not…snakes don’t have feet.

Fourth: Luke Harper vs. Daniel Bryan

Probably the most important takeaway from this match aside from these two going all around the ring is one playful move Daniel executed. Now the ‘surfboard’ is hardly playful, it actually seems quite painful. What made it so playful was that during the long time he had Luke in this move, Daniel seemed to be lifting him as though he was lifting weights at the gym.

Right on Daniel, you have fun with your opponents as you’re stretching them and putting them through intense pain…..Actually now this just seems rather concerning.

Daniel eventually gets Luke to submit so he could take the win.

Fifth:Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler

Saving the best for last is a phrase taken quite literally in this instance. Dolph and Daniel have an incredibly athletic match where the two of them are all over the ring. They are throwing each other around everywhere and seem to have great chemistry. There’s constant countering of each other’s moves, some moving one after the other rather seamlessly.

In the end, Dolph wins after hitting Daniel with the ‘zig zag’ and pinning him for the win.

At the end of the match, like two good competitors would do they both shake hands with one another. This does not sit well with Bad News Barrett who miraculously still has his belt.

New record? Possibly.

After berating the both of them he hits them both with the microphone before delivering the ‘bull hammer’ to both men and standing victorious. Well, someone’s a sour puss.

Quick Promo:Hobbit Security Team is Super Safe!

Don’t worry everyone, no need to be alarmed. J&J are STILL making sure that the area is secure and Randy Orton will not be present this evening. With so many precautions, there’s simply no way Randy can appear.

Tyson Kidd, Cesaro, Natalya, vs. Los Matadores, El Torito

6-Being Interspecies Tag Team Match (What???)

Shortly into the match, Natalya tags herself in on Cesaro which means she has to go against Torito.

Right….so one of the strongest, best divas in the ring right now has to go against El Torito. Actually, she doesn’t even go against him. Natalya doesn’t wrestle in this match, as the little bull does a little dance for her which infuriates Tyson and leads to him tagging himself in.

This match was an insult to Natalya. There’s no diva to fight, but they’re willing to have her wrestle the bull as opposed to one of the Matadors? No woman to fight, not good enough to fight a man supposedly, so she’ll fight a bull. Well, okay.

Oh wait excuse me, Natalya does manage at the very end to execute a move. She catches the little bull and power bombs him into the mat before pinning him for the ring.

Ten seconds of wrestling glory for Natalya, great.

Mark Henry, Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins, Kane

When Mark doesn’t make his entrance the Universe’s attention is brought backstage. An unconscious Mark Henry is laid out on the floor while Zack Ryder, Titus O’Neil and Darren Young seem to want to help…but really are just pointing at him and looking on in shock. Well, they are just awful in emergency situations.

So when Seth and Kane make their entrance not only do they bring J&J with them, but they have four extra security guards as well to keep anyone, namely a particular viper, from interfering.

At first it starts out as a sad beat down on Roman Reigns. It seems a little pathetic, and it appeared as though Roman may lose. Which of course would be horrible, if he couldn’t beat Kane and Seth how could he possibly face Brock Lesnar?

However once Roman gains leverage, it’s all over for not only Seth and Kane, but the hobbits who interfere as well. Roman continues to showcase his strength and brutality as he shamelessly takes out these four men, ending it with a hard spear to Kane to pin him for the win.

As Roman leaves he shoves the extra security aside like they’re just a bunch of pests. As Seth is bitter over his loss, Randy Orton appears out of nowhere, coming up behind Seth and attacking him with a series of punches.

As the security team floods the ring Randy takes care of every single one of them, including executing a double elevated DDT. He hits Seth with his ‘scoop slam’ and is ready to hunt him down and deliver the RKO.

Instead Jamie takes the RKO before Joey too takes an ‘RKO’ in midair. Luckily for Seth, thanks to his hobbits and extra security Seth was able to slither out of the ring and to safety.

With the exception of snubbing Natalya during the ‘interspecies’ match, the matches for the evening were good and entertaining. The build up for the ladder match is leading to a promising match that will surely be talked about well after WM happens.

Roman is showcasing his abilities more to show that he is in fact ready to take on Brock Lesnar. As for Randy and Seth, well, it’s always going to be amusing to watch brothers fight in the ring…even if one’s emancipated–it’s a whole ordeal, really.

As for Monday Night Raw, one can only imagine what type of encounter Randy and Seth will have as WM draws near. Brock Lesnar is going to make an appearance, and that will leave the universe with just a taste of what will come at WM31.

But….let’s not forget, we’re going to see Undertaker soon. So, Monday should have a charming promo of Bray fondling urns, playing with ashes, more disturbing things of that nature for sure.

Raw: Fondling Urns

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Raw starts with an absolutely livid group known as The Authority–minus mom and dad Stephanie and Hunter. Seth Rollins takes center stage and decides to give a long winded speech about betrayal. Naturally, he would know of such a concept because he committed the ultimate betrayal against his Shield brothers.

Oh excuse me, that was not betrayal, that was simply a business decision.

Moving on, after discussing his pain of betrayal by his estranged older brother, Big Show decides to take the microphone. He apologizes to Seth because he feels partially responsible, and quite honestly his heart just feels broken. What a lovely, caring wife he is!

Kane apologizes next. While he takes the time to point out that he’s not as gullible as the Big Show (ouch, what a burn), he still admits to being suckered in.

Jamie Noble shares crucial information with the entire WWE Universe. He’s the Authority’s secret weapon. After indulging us in top secret information,he apologizes and shares even more secrets by confessing that Joey Mercury was hurt the most.

Joey is in fact so hurt, that he can’t even keep his eyes from leaking like a broken pipe. Joey sobs into the gut of the Big Show while Seth and Kane seem absolutely baffled by these two gnomes being over emotional and a supposed secret weapon.

After these disturbing revelations are revealed, Seth agrees to a match at WrestleMania if, and only if, Randy Orton agrees to face him later in the night.

When Randy Orton appears it’s in the middle of Seth preparing to go on another insulting tangent. Immediately cutting off a possible remark that could result in his life ending via an RKO, Seth listens to Randy say he will face him later that night. In fact, he even states that he doesn’t mind if Seth has all of his little helpers with him, because he knows Seth can’t handle his own business like a grown man.

Wow…I mean…sibling rivalries man, these things are tough.

AJ Lee vs Nikki Bella

During this match Booker T makes a horrifying mistake that even has his wife tweeting him during the show. Booker says that women just hate each other, and basically sealed his fate. Michael Cole and JBL were shocked at his statement, the latter even going as far as to saying that Booker T was going to end up on The View. Well, it could happen.

As for the match, it’s exceptionally longer than usual. I goes on to highlight how nimble and quick AJ is and her ability to maneuver around her opponent. It also highlights Nikki’s strength and brutality.

Paige and Brie end up in a brawl outside of the ring. This distracts AJ, allowing for Nikki to capitalize and deliver a right hook to AJ before hitting her with ‘rack attack’ and ultimately pinning her for the win.

Promo: Renee, Kane, Big Show

Kane says that they’ll be in the main event in the night obviously to watch over Seth. Big Show then throws an overdramatic fit about how Kane never talks to him anymore and they have poor communication skills.

Seth walks in and tries to break up the fight by calling them stupid. Both of these massive men get angry at Seth, and Kane confesses that they liked seeing him get beaten by Orton because he’s been a spoiled, entitled brat since Kane won MITB for him. Kane says he won’t be at ringside to help him, and the invitation is extended to Big Show whom we assume will not be in attendance either.

This is proof Seth Rollins was in fact the Architect. He knows how to dig himself a damn good hole.

Ryback vs. The Miz

Mizdow is of course at ringside. He has the pleasure of watching the Miz get eaten by Ryback. Not in that way you sick perverts.Ryback manages to hold Miz at ringside and he urges Mizdow to hit his boss right in the face.

Just when it seems like Mizdow will complete the act that all of us are dying for him to do, Miz breaks free and then proceeds to countdown to Mizdow like one would do to a child. Back in the ring, Ryback hits Miz with ‘shell shock’ before pinning him for the win.

Mizdow, ever the gentleman, climbs into the ring to help Miz up to his feet. Right as Miz gets up he grabs Mizdow and hits him with his ‘skull-crushing finisher’. Well, to most that would seem rude, but quite obviously this is just another way of saying thank you.

Contract Signing: John Cena and Rusev

What a mess this signing was. Actually, mess may not be the right word as hardly a brawl happened. It was more of a joke. Cena goes on a long winded monologue about the greatness of America. He compares the contract to the Declaration of Independence, WM to the Revolution, and continued to hype up the greatness of America.

Oh don’t worry, it gets better.

When Rusev enters in a semi-dashing suit, Lana is not by his side. Instead we are graced with the presence of a man from Iowa community theater with the accent of a Texan man attempting to be Russian but ultimately failing and letting some twang slip out. Seriously, his accent is so bad that it’s all the announcers can talk about. Said fake ‘attorney’ of Rusev’s tries to say there will be no match because Rusev himself did not agree.

After Rusev thoroughly mocked the country and the national anthem in a way that only he can get away with, he quickly signs the contract, flips the desk in John’s direction and flees the ring as fast as a marathon sprinter.

Well done on that Rusev, real intimidating.

Tyson Kidd, Cesaro vs. Big E Langston, Kofi Kingston (New Day)

Before the match can even begin Los Matadores make an appearance ringside. They’re fully intent on evaluating their future opponents and perhaps leaving a lasting memory for them.

Towards the end of the match Tyson interferes and takes Kofi’s ‘trouble in paradise’ for Cesaro. What a great partner! Capitalizing on Tyson’s distraction ,Cesaro rolls Kofi up and pins him for the win.

Los Matadores fight at ringside with Xavier Woods, then they sacrifice him to Cesaro who hits him with the ‘neutralizer’. Torito then surprises Cesaro by attacking him and knocking him out the ring.

Well….this should make for an interesting match at WM.

Promo: Seth and the Hobbits

Seth reminds the hobbits that they better not leave him high and dry later that night. Well he doesn’t so much remind them as he does order them because an angry, entitled ninja is a dangerous one. So dangerous in fact, he has the audacity to slap Jamie.

Actually he slaps Jamie and delivers a beautiful insult along the lines of “Go back to whatever backwoods true detective hell hole you came from”. It was beautifully creative.

Angry, Jamie tells Seth that the MITB briefcase went to his head. Jamie quits, and since he quit, his bald sidekick shrugs and quits as well.

Okay, so Seth didn’t dig a fabulous hole. He dug himself an underground paradise.

Promo: The Beast Brock Lesnar

His first line is “I was put on this earth to seek, destroy, and hurt people.”

In summary, he is a contract killer. A very scary, alarmingly large, contract killer. He ends his somewhat concerning promo with the notion that he is “gonna fuck up Roman Reigns. The end.”

His words. Not mine. Seriously.

Big Show vs. Erick Rowan

Poor Erick Rowan! This man can barely catch a break! The match doesn’t even begin before he gets a brutal beating. In fact, there’s no match at all. As soon as he enters the ring Big Show beats him to a pulp before finally delivering the ‘KO punch’ and leaving.

So…Erick Rowan just has horrible luck.

Congratulations to another Hall of Fame inductee for the class of 2015! The newest member is the legendary Larry Zybszko.

Random Andre Battle Royal sampler:

Suddenly after commercial break, Kane is in the ring with several other superstars he apparently invited out. This is supposedly his demonstration of what will happen at the Andre Battle Royal.

Mark Henry appears and announces that he’s going to be in the battle royal. A brawl breaks out once he enters the ring. All the while Curtis Axel does the smart thing by leaving and hanging out near the trophy. Nearing the end of the brawl Kane and Mark are the only two that are left. Axel jumps in as Mark is attempting to throw out Kane, thinking he can get the both of them. Unfortunately for him, Mark is immovable and he dumps Curtis Axel out, leaving him to be the only one left.

So….was….was this a spoiler for WrestleMania? Because if it was….that was incredibly disappointing.

This bit was just weird and felt completely out of place during Raw, as though they just threw it in there and said ‘EH we’ll see what happens’.

In Ring Promo:Paul Heyman

Paul Heyman insists that Brock Lesnar will go above and beyond in hurting Roman Reigns. In fact, he gets so brutal in his descriptions that his microphone gets cut off. Eventually Ursula behind the sound system gives him back his voice and he continues to foretell the future. Actually, he at one point says  “Samoan American’t”

Which…come on, the man deserves some credit for that. American’t, get it? It’s certainly not American.

Roman Reigns enters once Paul mentions his father and boy did Paul Heyman look absolutely alarmed. Roman admits that he respects Paul Heyman while said man is sweating nervously and confessing he is only an advocate. He says that he’s the best talker in the business. Roman addresses the fact that Paul keeps bringing up his family, but he doesn’t see that as trash talking, he clarifies that it’s a warning.

Roman even makes a point of addressing the crowd that is booing him during his speech.

Roman ends the promo by saying that he will “beat Brock’s ass at WM because I can”. Well then, that’s an interesting hobby to have.

Promo: Renee and Paul

Paul Heyman says that Roman is a formidable opponent because he has been keeping his cool as Paul is trying to get under his skin. However, Paul swears that Roman will get his face to face moment with Brock next week on Raw.

Daniel Bryan, Dean Ambrose, Dolph Ziggler  vs. Bad News Barrett, Luke Harper, Stardust

R-Truth is there of course, offering his services and time on commentary. He’s mostly there to watch, and happens to have the championship belt clipped to the back of his jacket like any sane man would do.

At one point Dolph tags himself in, which only angers Daniel (flashback to Roman and Daniel?). Stardust is a riot because he’s running back and forth across the apron like a hyperactive child. Or like the lovechild of the Riddler and a member of the Nova Corps. I swear those are his parents, Riddler and someone from Nova Corps. 

Dolph even manages to make a mistake of ‘super-kicking’ Daniel who’s on the apron after Luke Harper ducks out of the way.

Saving his team, Dean hits BNB with ‘dirty deeds’ and pins him for the win.

Luke then of course throws Dean across the announcer’s table as he has his eyes set on R-Truth for the belt. The title changes hands several times before the actual champion BNB finally gets it back.

Is there a way to put a chip on this belt? Maybe make an app for it? Something like ‘find my iphone’ but obviously call it ‘find my title’.

Promo:Seth complains to mommy and daddy.

Seth complains to Hunter and Stephanie–the latter telling him that he made his own bed. Angry. Seth then spins this argument around on Hunter and asks if he’s “taking a break from playing hide and seek with Sting?” Which….you never, never say to Hunter because he’s ready to kill his golden child.

In the end, Stephanie tells Seth to man up….and quite frankly, I think Seth is about to be disowned and left on some church’s doorstep.

Promo:Bray loving fondles a red urn.

Really, a red urn, he’s quite attached to it. He then goes on to talk about Abigail before saying that undertaker is afraid to show his face because of how brutally beaten he was at the last WM.

With the way he talks about Abigail while fondling the urn and ashes that are inside, I’m starting to believe that he put the chair’s ashes into that urn.

…Okay…I mean…most people throw chair ashes in the garbage but this is okay. That works too. I guess.

Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins

Randy is all ready to go for this match, eager to brutalize the golden child. Seth however stops at the top of the ramp and proceeds to activate his evil laughter abilities. He talks about how it took Randy 3 weeks to make the Authority look like complete fools. Yet it only took Seth three hours to make him look like a fool.

Well, someone’s been thoroughly duped.

The Authority then enters, perfectly dressed in suits like the high-class evil doers they are. Randy gets a chair ready because he knows they’re all going to jump him. As they surround the ring the lights go out and a familiar sound is heard. Once the lights are on Sting is standing side by side with Randy Orton in the ring wielding a bat.

Randy has the most confused look on his face that is humanly possible. Coming to terms with his sudden appearance, he and Sting use their weapons to beat up every single person in the ring that tried to attack them.

As a message to Hunter, Sting hits Joey with the ‘scorpion death drop’. Randy then hits Jamie with an ‘RKO’ as a message to Seth Rollins.

So, the father-son duo of Seth and Hunter are going to meet their fate at WM. I haven’t the slightest idea of what will happen this coming Smackdown, but next week is the final Raw before WrestleMania. So, Brock will appear to possibly ‘F5’ or ‘suplex’ Roman all around the ring. In short, it seems like the chaos has only just begun as WrestleMania draws nearer.

Raw: The Viper’s Bitch 3/9/15

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Welcome to Monday Night Raw, starring The Authority’s favorite mistakes, rejects, adopted children, however you want to refer to them as. Speaking of adopted children, the night starts with Randy Orton heading to the ring to have a little meeting with Kane, Big Show, Seth Rollins, and J&J security.

The meeting, as explained by Kane, is actually an official ‘welcome back’ to Randy. During this time after each member for the most part shares lovely, sugar coated words with Randy. Big Show verbally kisses the Viper’s ass, but when it comes to Jamie he snaps and says:

“He’s a no good snake that can’t be trusted!”

The microphone is then taken away from him and handed to Joey, who can’t even be bothered to speak because he too detests Randy. Seth then goes on to make fun of the WWE Universe because they’re all fools for not trusting Randy (obviously), and then asks for the Authority’s oppinons on the matter. Kane obviously is wary, the hobbits can’t be bothered to say anything, and as for Big Show?

Well, Seth says what we’re all thinking: “No one really cares what Big Show thinks.”

At this point Randy grabs the microphone and asks what on earth happened to the Authority–because they’re all kissing his ass at the moment. He insults every single person there and saves Seth for last. Randy is in Seth’s face as he lays out his exact plan on how he intends on striking when Seth feels the safest because that’s when he’s most vulnerable. Randy ends his ‘scare Seth to death until he’s shaking’ insult with the promise that he’s going to make Seth his bitch.

Wow.

Well, after scaring everyone until they were shaking like cold abandoned puppies, Randy smiles and explains that he was obviously joking. Naturally Big Show’s feelings were hurt but no one really cares.

…And Seth Rollins still doesn’t suspect Randy Orton in the slightest. For someone who was the architect of the SHIELD and orchestrated it’s destruction….he’s become quite the idiot.

Daniel Bryan vs. Bad News Barrett

As usual, rather than actually enter a match R-Truth is simply on commentary…with a burlap sack that’s apparently going to hold potatoes he will pick later.

Alright then.

Barrett is particularly brutal, probably because his belt has been stolen yet again and he can’t seem to get it. Or simply chooses not to go after it.

Daniel hits BNB with the ‘running knee’ allowing him to pin the angry Brit and take the win. Livid, as usual, after the match BNB ambushes Daniel and hits him with the bull hammer. As he’s leaving Dean Ambrose  runs down the ramp and plows right through BNB.

No hard feelings, right?

Dean Ambrose vs. Stardust

Behold, in this week’s ‘Who’s Got The Title?’ game, the one who holds it is now Stardust. Stardust takes great time in making sure the belt is safe and secure before the match….and maybe fondles it a little bit too much.

He also goes a little nuts with the ‘Cody’ chants, which seems to amuse Dean.

The match is the lunatic vs the psycho (obviously interchangeable). While amused by Stardust’s antics, that doesn’t distract Dean from his goal. He hits Stardust with ‘dirty deeds’ and pins him for the win.

…Then Bad News Barrett enters to take the belt, then Daniel Bryan, then Luke Harper and Dolph Ziggler all join in turning this into yet another full on brawl. Capitalizing on this distraction, R-Truth sneaks in and grabs the belt, stuffing it into the burlap sack.

When BNB confronts him, Truth gives him the bag before slipping away. BNB eventually checks the bag and discovers he has a fake imitation belt, conveniently from the WWE shop while Truth is holding the real one.

R-Truth, you sneaky punk.

Congratulations to the latest Hall of Fame Inductee. Receiving the inaugural Warrior Award in honor of the Ultimate Warrior himself is Connor Michalek.

In Ring Promo: Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar

Gracing the universe with his presence, Paul watches one of the soon to be many Roman Reigns promos leading up to Wrestlemania.

Once that’s over with, however, he begins possibly the best promo that’s been cut in quite some time. He attacks Roman and his many accomplishments–and also mentions an awkward story about a 9 year old Roman Reigns beating people up.

I don’t know if I was suppose to be giggling at that….but I did.

Paul also brings up a point that manages to get his microphone cut. He talks about how Seth Rollins isn’t man enough to cash in on Brock Lesnar. He talks about there being a whole conspiracy that if Roman can’t beat Brock, the Authority would find a way to strip him of the title to give to Roman so Seth can cash in. Seth is apparently the cheaper champion compared to Brock.

So, Seth is Goya Cola while Brock Lesnar is Coca-Cola.

Paul also throws out a vintage WWE reference in declaring that this WM will not be another ‘Montreal Screwjob’. When he goes on to talk about the brutality in regards to the massive beating Brock will deliver to Roman, his microphone gets cut off. The second time it gets cut off is after Paul already says that Brock can do whatever he wants, and if he wants to unite the UFC and WWE championship titles, he will.

There’s no point in silencing a microphone when it’s Paul Heyman that’s wielding it. He speaks far too fast for anyone to possibly anticipate the right time to strike.

Well done Paul Heyman.

Promo: Impatient Bray Wyatt

“Tonight, find me.”

Uh oh.

Kane, Big Show vs. Erick Rowan, Ryback

The match ends relatively quickly, mostly because the match isn’t what’s important. Rowan manages to pin Kane after the Big Show misses a ‘KO punch’ and instead hits Kane.

The two proceed to bicker like five year olds in the middle of the ring, which leads to Stephanie McMahon making an entrance. Like the mama bear she is, she scolds the both of them. She says that Randy was right about Big Show being a big baby and Kane no longer being the demon he was–they’ve gone soft and they’re weak. She wants the monster and the giant back (be careful what you wish for).

However, they continue to bicker which leads her to order the both of them to leave the arena.

Two down, two to go, eh Randy?

Promo: Miz and Wiz

Seriously.

Miz wants to work with Wiz Khalifa. Unfortunately for Miz, Wiz wasn’t too fond of the commercial that Miz just had. He instead signs the lovely and talented artist  Wizdow to work with him. Wizdow raps and it’s honestly the best rap of the night, and in doing so he announces his entrance in the Andre Battle Royal.

Wiz Khalifa performance here: Which was so awful that Wizdow had to be sent out at the end to get a pop from the crowd. Really, everyone was so bored, every camera shot of the crowd was someone looking completely unamused. But hey, apparently he was high during the performance so….good booking WWE.

Promo: Bellas are Flintstones Characters

And they’re damn proud of their cameo in the moving. So much so that their outfits are a real ‘blast from the past’ for us. During this promo the two go back and forth with awful puns and continue with their high school level trash talk.

AJ Lee vs. Summer Rae

During this match the commentators admire the athletic form of Summer Rae.

AJ counters Summer’s attack and turns it into her ‘Black Widow’ submission, making Summer Rae tap out.

Then she and Paige proceed to do awkward air hugs and fist bumps in the ring. Overall not that impressive of a match.

Promo:We’re supposed to ‘hear from Sting’ tonight, but it’s just one of his WM promos with an odd voice and discussing how he tried to save WCW.

Promo: Rusev is heading to the ring when he’s stopped by John Cena. Cena goes off on a tangent about the good country that gave Rusev the opportunity to wrestle. He then warms him that if Rusev says one bad thing about the USA, he’s going to get hurt.

Curtis Axel vs. Rusev

Rusev attacks him before the match can even begin, which is a typical tactic of this brute. Axel continues on with the match when it actually does start. However, he is quickly put into the ‘accolade’ and taps out allowing Rusev to take the win.

Rusev then grabs the microphone and decides to poke the lion John Cena with a stick. He insults the USA, saying that Americans are spineless, soul-less, and have diseased hearts.

Honestly, could the man be anymore accurate?

John Cena then enters and puts him in the ‘STF’. When Rsuev passes out, he throws water on him and puts him in the ‘STF’ a second time. Lana panics and begs for him to stop. John doesn’t stop until Lana gives him the US Title Match at WM.

Seems like John Cena likes those little heel tricks.

Promo: Bray ‘Impatient’ Wyatt.

“Tonight I raise the dead.”

Okay, you psycho.

Promo: Rusev CRUSH!

No, Rusev does not crush. Rusev gets tended to by a doctor because he was injured! Oh he was not amused in the slightest. He and Lana argue, and it gets so bad that he sends her away.

Ouch.

Cesaro, Tyson Kidd vs. Big E, Xavier Woods

There was an ultimate fail before the match even began. As Tyson and Cesaro were entering to their music, New Day’s video package was playing. That’s awkward…just a bit.

Natalya distracts Tyson during the match, which allows Xavier to counter and pin him for the win.

Then the Usos enter because we get another Diva’s match!

Natalya vs. Naomi

Naomi and Natalya always put on entertaining matches displaying their physicality.

During the match Tyson is shouting, and Natalya is not happy about that at all. Natalya shows her strength and brutality, while Naomi shows skill in countering the ‘sharpshooter’.

Naomi hits Natalya with ‘rear view’ before pinning her from the win.

Then a livid Natalya takes the tag team belt from Tyson and as she’s leaving says it belongs to her.

Well….damn girl.

Los Matadores vs. The Usos

The Usos are just so amused by the Matadores, from the way they move, to the sheer good sportsmanship they exhibited by shaking hands before the match. Regardless of that, the Matadores prove to be quite a problem for the Usos in the ring, as they seem to be evenly matched.

Los Matadores take the win after El Torito poses a distraction….just by being himself.

Promo: J&J Are Afraid!

J&J try to tell Seth that Randy can’t be trusted. Seth however swears that Randy is one of them and wouldn’t dare betray him.

Cue simultaneous face palm by the entire WWE Universe…now!

In Ring Promo: Poetic Bray Wyatt

Bray Wyatt is calling for the Undertaker, establishing himself as the ‘new face of fear’ before opening the urn. At first it seems empty, but once smoke billows out he looks like an amused toddler.

Bray’s chair appears in the center of the ring as Undertaker’s music begins. Undertaker’s voice says: “You will rest in peace”before lightning strikes the chair.

Ah, the ol’ chair for an urn bit.

Now that Undertaker has finally responded, things just got a whole lot more interesting.

Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton, Seth Rollins

2×1 Handicap

Randy and Seth fight in the ring about who will start the match first. Eventually Randy gives in and allows Seth to take the lead.

Which was probably a mistake, because an angry Roman is intent on hurting the golden boy.

The first time Seth tries to tag Randy in, he can’t because Randy is off of the apron too busy fighting with the hobbits. The second time Seth goes for a tag Randy is fighting with the hobbits at ringside and knocks Jamie out. Seeing this, Seth decides that to look cool in front of his big brother that he should send the twins away.

…Well, there goes the other two.

The final time (because everything happens in 3’s) Seth goes from the tag, Randy pulls away at the last second after leading him on. Seth is completely in shock, and Randy’s simple response is to raise his middle fingers up high, utterly shocking the G-rating slapped upon the WWE.

This allows Roman to spear Seth and pin him for the win, but it doesn’t stop there.

Randy enters the ring after Roman disappears, and he begins the most brutal beat down the golden child has taken in quite some time. Randy stalks Seth like the apex predator that he is. Eventually the fight is taken out of the ring and goes into the seating area. The brutality doesn’t stop and Seth is just trying to get away the entire time.

Hell, Seth begs for him to stop, and at one point it sounds like he’s crying.

See? Never try to end your big brother’s career with a curb stomp.

To end Seth’s beating, Randy drags him on top of the announce table and delivers the much anticipated RKO right through it.

Well, Randy did just as he said he would. He made Seth his bitch.

I am dying to know how Stephanie and Hunter are going to react to their two kids not getting along. Really, I can’t imagine either one is happy–unless they just think their golden child isn’t strong enough to be the face of the WWE. Wouldn’t that be something? For The Authority to turn on Seth like that so quickly?

This is going to lead to a promising match at WM. Although I am curious as to what is going on between Goldust and Stardust. Lately nothing has happened between the two of them, but Stardust will be in the IC ladder match. Has this idea just been completely scrapped…?

Also: where in the world is Sheamus?