Hell in a Cell: Highlights (10/30/2016)

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Allow me to say: this historic “triple main event” business is garbage. You cannot have three main events. The main event is the last match that caps off the show because it’s pretty much the best damn thing you’re supposed to see all night. By saying there’s three main events you’re saying: well in case Sasha vs. Charlotte doesn’t go over well, I’ve got two other matches to fall back on and say THAT was the main event. It’s poop. Hogwash, bullshit.

You don’t say you’re having a “triple season premiere”, that’s ridiculous! Triple main event is just as ridiculous.

Kick Off Match

 

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Cedric Alexander, Lince Dorado, Sin Cara vs. Tony Nese, Drew Gulak, Ariya Daivari

The RAW roster is making good use of their cruiserweight division, and that’s by having the gang open up the show with a flippy-flippy, mega agile, jaw-dropping type of match. Now I like the cruiser weights, and I love fast paced matches like this, but let’s make sure no one flips off into oblivion, yeah?

Winners: Cedric Alexander, Lice Dorado, Sin Cara

Hell in a Cell

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Roman Reigns vs. Rusev

United States Championship Hell in a Cell Match

This is one of three main events for the night, and it’s starting off our Hell in a Cell PPV. Hopefully they have a spare cell lying around somewhere for the next two matches, in case these brutes destroy the structure a la Mick Foley and The Undertaker. Who will take the match? No one knows, Roman’s going against a discount Wolverine right now. The power of looking like Wolverine could give Rusev some mystical sort of power boost. It’s anyone’s game!

Winner:  Roman Reigns retains the title – after an oddly kinky/erotic match.

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Bayley vs. Dana Brooke

I can’t help but feel like this match resembles a middle schooler deciding to beat the ever living shit out of a wee little first grader. There’s just something about this dynamic between the two of them. For some reason Bayley’s happiness and cinnamon-roll like demeanor just reminds me of the purest of small children. Can’t imagine why, doubt it’s the bright colors, or the wacky waving…something something something tube men. Then there’s Dana, the arrogant, patronizing woman you want to punch in the face because she’s just so good at making you despise her. AH, storytelling, it’s lovely.

Winner: Bayley

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Big Cass, Enzo Amore vs. Luke Gallows, Karl Anderson

I know that whenever Enzo is in a match, I can look forward to someone picking him up and throwing him around like a blow up doll. Whether that’s his opponent, or his partner, it’s always fun to see him fly. Plus, he does bring me great joy by discussing how generic Karl Anderson is, it’s like talking about every single white boy ever..one white boy to another. What? Where was I? Big Cass made a Larry Bird pun. I can’t, it’s only hour two, they’re too entertaining and it’s draining my energy.

Winners: Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson, YAAAAY! 

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Seth Rollins vs. Kevin Owens

WWE Universal Championship Hell in a Cell Match

I look forward to this match being absolutely absurd and ridiculous. From Kevin’s beautiful quips during the match, to Seth ultimately doing a very, very stupid, death defying stunt. I don’t even know if I can make a joke about this. Oh, maybe I can say something about the former golden child now fighting the new golden boy to redeem his place. Eh…no, it just doesn’t go. Enjoy the second main event of the night!

Winner: Kevin Owens retains the championship….fuck that was a great match.

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TJ Perkins vs. Brian Kendrick

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

After the promo shown for this match up, all I could think about was that Gotye song, Somebody That I Used To Know. Man, sounds like things were pretty tight between these two. Welp. Not no more. Game nerd is about to destroy homeless looking Jesus.

Winner: Brian Kendrick via submission, and now that he’s won I assume he’ll get a haircut.

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The New Day vs. Cesaro, Sheamus

Raw Tag Team Championship Match

I’m so torn on who I want to win. Cesaro is one of my favorite wrestlers…but he’s paired with Sheamus, my favorite wrestler not because I like his abilities but because I love to make dumb jokes about him and his hair….and his ability to shine bright like a diamond on his entrance. Then there’s The New Day, and I adore them as well but they’ve had the titles for so long… alright, I made up my mind. Cesaro can hold both tag team title belts by himself, because he’s the Swiss Superman.

Winners: Cesaro and Sheamus via disqualification, but The New Day retains the titles. Fuck.

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Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte

Raw Women’s Championship Hell in a Cell Match

Finally, the third (and actual) main event of the night! Both women had incredible entrances that suited them so well. They had men CARRYING them and escorting them, far from the usual of women walking their men to the ring. Good, reverse the roles!

I’m ready for them to utterly destroy each other, as the first women to step inside HIAC.  It’s a historic moment for both these ladies, especially Sasha, who gets to do this in her home town.

Winner: Charlotte wins! 

What a pay per view! Every HIAC match was incredible, and as the main event, and the first women’s HIAC match, the ladies killed it! As well as each other, I mean, that was just….god it was brutal. What a match.

 

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The Raw Bits: Grandpa Mick’s Warnings (Highlights 10/24/16)

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RAW starts out with us learning that someone has stolen the List of Jericho. Someone had the audacity to steal his most prized possession, hell…this seems like it’s borderline kidnapping. Something tells me the list might meet an untimely end like Dean’s old friend Mitch the plant.

Seth Rollins, god complex.

He has a god complex, right? I mean, he says he’s going to make sure Kevin Owens won’t be fit enough to walk around with the title ‘The Man’. I mean, this guy really, truly believes he’s all that, a bag of chips, and a tall glass of Dr. Pepper. Sigh, this is what happens when the Authority just feeds into his ego and treats him like the spoiled brat he is…

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Shame on Sheamus!

Finally, someone (The New Day) is finally shaming Sheamus! Thank goodness, that man is a mess, a former shell of himself. Quite frankly, he’s just a giant bully with an awful hairdo. The man needs to be shamed for a little while, humble the guy, let him get his shit together. I will never respect the hawk.

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Mick Foley still has unresolved feelings about the Cell.

I think he has a few souvenirs from HIAC, maybe that’s why. This segment takes me back to his little chat with Seth and Dean-warning them that the match changes who you are. You might come out a shell of your former self. Hell, you may leave with less limbs than you entered with.

However, Charlotte really stole the show coming into her own as the evil Queen. She brought the fire in the match between her and Sasha. Bringing up her tendency to get injured easily? Oh dear, she’s going to make this match a brutal one.

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RAW was okay, I mean, it was missing a very crucial part. It should have had Mick talking to the male competitors for HIAC this coming Sunday. He spoke to Sasha and Charlotte, so he should’ve extended his warnings! A nice locker room talk, where he’s wrapped the superstars in warm blankets and makes them hot cocoa in order to soothe their worries during the explanation of the soon to be devastating ordeal. I just feel like that really would have sold the idea of how scary and life changing HIAC is.

 

 

The Raw Bits: 9/12/16

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Here are all the bits I liked or I downright despised about Monday Night RAW from September 12, 2016.

Opening Segment

The opening segment featuring: Mick Foley, Sasha Banks,Charlotte, Dana Brooke, and Bayley was fantastic. Charlotte has stepped up her gave as a heel by about several notches and she is thoroughly entertaining. In addition to that: Bayley’s bashfully adorable, Dana’s a ticking time bomb of hate against Charlotte, and Sasha has enough attitude to last her several lifetimes.

My favorite bit would have to be Sasha’s jacket being hurled into Charlotte’s face. Look, she clearly didn’t throw it. All she wanted was for Charlotte to hang it up for her, but instead, for some odd reason Charlotte felt the need to use her own face to do so.

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Sami Zayn & Chris Jericho

I loved this entire segment, mostly because it’s Chris Jericho hyping up his relationship with Kevin Owens and shoving it down Sami Zayn’s throat. It’s like watching the new girlfriend wave her brand new passionate relationship in front of the ex and it’s a beautiful argument that ends in Sami calling Jericho nothing more than Kevin Owens’ bitch.

Clearly Sami is jealous that Kevin never supported him the way Chris supports Kevin, he just wants a loving relationship like JeriKO has!

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Nia Jax Decimates Alicia Fox

My god, she speared her right through the barricade. That’s all you need, she destroyed her, and it was incredible.

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Kevin Owens Putting Seth Rollins In Place

Listen, we all know that Kevin is the new golden boy for Triple H. Seth’s taking Randy’s place as the ginger step child tossed to the side and forgotten and he doesn’t like it. Ya know what I like? Kevin making everything seem so much worse by pointing out to Seth that Triple H no longer supports him. Ah, nothing like getting abandoned by your father.

I’m here for banter between Seth and Kevin, nothing like watching two grown men argue like children and make fun of Seth’s cackling while they’re at it.

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Overall, I’m pretty happy with RAW. Was it a five star event and every waking moment was incredible? Nope, of course not, and I don’t think there’s ever going to be an episode of any show where it’s perfect from start to finish. Start was great, middle was good, finish was awesome! I was more entertained than I was bored throughout the program and that sounds like a win to me.

WWE Battleground 2016 Results (7/24/16)

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Kickoff

The Usos vs. Breezango

Essentially, this match is a set of twins not of the breast variety, against a pair of Zoolander devotees.

Result: The Usos get got and Breezango wins!

Battleground

Charlotte, Dana Brooke vs. Sasha Banks, Mystery Partner

It’s finally revealed! Can Charlotte and Dana overcome Sasha and her mystery partner, now revealed to be Bayley?

Result: Charlotte and Dana Brooke get got because Charlotte tapped out to Sasha Banks. Bayley and Sasha Banks win!

The New Day vs. The Wyatt Family

It’s possible that Bray Wyatt’s hold over Xavier Woods will be what starts the downfall of the longest reigning WWE World Tag Team Champions. That would be horrifying to see the Wyatt family destroy the beacon of positivity within the WWE.

Result: The New Day gets got, The Wyatt Family wins.

Rusev vs. Zack Ryder

WWE United States Championship

I feel the need to point out that Lana’s dressed as though the wedding will happen the second the match is over. I suppose that’s fine, so long as there’s refreshments and stuff. Or tissues, in case Rusev loses.

Result: Zack Ryder gets got, Rusev retains.

Bonus: Mojo Rawley comes out to save his bro from a post-match beat down.

Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn

No matter what the outcome is, these two ex best friends are going to fight forever. Kevin got one over on him last time, but can Sami redeem himself this time around?

Result: Kevin Owens gets got, and Sami Zayn wins

Natalya vs. Becky Lynch

Time for Becky to stand up for herself against yet another friend that turned their back on her. It’s a cruel, cruel world WWE. It destroys friendships every chance it gets.

Result: Becky Lynch gets got, Natalya takes the win

Darren Young vs. The Miz

Intercontinental Championship

Darren Young may have Bob Backlund on his side, but The Miz has Maryse. She’s made him damn near unstoppable since she decided to represent her husband in WWE. Then again Darren’s got newfound confidence in the form of an old white guy that likes to shout!

Result: The Miz gets got via count out, but retains his title.

John Cena, Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. The Club

After this The Club will be split between two brands and will have the ability to expand and draw more members. So even if they do lose, are they really the losers here?

Result: The Club gets got, John Cena, Enzo Amore & Big Cass win

Highlight Reel

Result: It was hilarious.

Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Roman Reigns

WWE World Heavyweight Championship

It’s the Shield triple threat match that’s been decades and centuries in the making. Hot off of a suspension, Roman has a fresh start to prove why he was a three time champion. Seth’s got arrogance on his side to carry him through the match, and Dean is wildly unpredictable.

Result: Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns get got, Dean Ambrose retains!

The WWE World Heavyweight Championship is now on SmackDown, and it’s the beginning of a new era!

 

 

Toxic Environment Women Face in the Professional Wrestling Fandom (part 2, final)

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Continuing on the theme of pointing out the horrific behavior of some male smarks within the WWE–today I discuss the difference between being an intellectual fan and being a whining brat. These observations mostly come from Twitter interactions with or without my inclusion, primarily during Monday Night RAW or any given PPV.

The difference lies in whether or not you’re a man or woman. If you happen to be a male and that’s blatantly obvious, then you’re simply a smark. If you complain about the show nonstop, gripe about your favorite not being at the top, proclaim that another talent is being buried, then you’re a smart fan. You must know exactly what you’re talking about and clearly have a better understanding than most of those that watch WWE today.

Funny enough, most people proudly wear a smark badge, taking pride in predicting a finish or knowing the trajectory of a wrestler.

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However if you’re a female, that’s seen completely differently. When you do any of the previously mentioned things, you’re usually whining or complaining. The reasons being that you’re upset because the one you find most attractive won’t be seen as much. Or you’re mad because you love them so much and that’s the only reason you want them to be the best there is. Not for talent, because women don’t look for that, it’s only based on their looks.

If a male says Dean Ambrose is being buried, it’s because he actually is getting buried. Yet if a woman were to say it, she’s only saying it because she wants him to be at the top all the time. Why? Because she’s apparently in love with him.

First of all, I don’t think you know what the word “buried” means, but that’s for another day.

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Male smarks rarely if ever get challenged by other males when in discussion. Their intelligence is never called to question nor insulted. Yet when a female does it there’s a constant need for proof and factual information. If possible, a link to a video or interview, and timestamp included down to the last possible second.

Then if there’s a disagreement and no resolution to be made? The female fan is often reduced to her looks, she’s called fat, ugly, or they’ll switch it up. Sometimes instead she’ll be a bitch (because she has an intelligent argument) or a whore (what?) and more often than not the harassment only continues to escalate from there. Reaching unsafe, very real threats that make women not want to talk about wrestling and make this environment feel toxic.

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Yet when two males reach a disagreement, what happens? A quick “whatever bro”, a block, maybe the conversation just ends abruptly.

Male smarks hold an elite standing in the WWE fan community. What they say is gospel, and they are all knowing as though wrestling was made only for them. Women are reduced to being labeled as those that only watch because the males are attractive. Reduced to the ones that don’t actually understand the programming or booking, because they’re women and only watch for looks.

God forbid you, a woman, makes an extremely valid point against a male smark. Their argument changes, and they try to twist and turn it around so that you’re actually the one that misunderstood from the very beginning. Their arguments change so much even Donald Trump is astounded by the sheer bullshit they can pull from behind.

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WrestleMania 32: Highlights (4/3/16)

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Finally, WrestleMania is upon us! Already the bar has been set tremendously high from NXT Takeover: Dallas. Can the main roster follow their stellar performance? What oldies but goodies will we see return? Finally, what in the blue hell will the Rock be doing tonight?

Main Card

Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz vs. Stardust vs. Sin Cara vs. Zack Ryder

Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Championship

Geez look how many people are listed for this fight. It’s exhausting just looking at it! Let’s see. We have ladders, contenders we haven’t seen in quite sometime, and the murder bear known as Kevin Owens. Can we say–brutal fight of the century? Almost! There’s several contenders on this card worthy of that title. Yet none of them have a murder bear, which really, every match needs one.

Winner: Zack Ryder–so well deserved. About time.

AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho

AJ Styles, the new hotness, the anticipated phenomenal one will be going against Chris Jericho. The man with the daddy kink. The ayatollah of rock and rollah. The really, really arrogant bastard that throws little fits when he loses or taunts someone and quite frankly–does it all incredibly well.

Winner: Chris Jericho, to everyone’s surprise.

The New Day vs. The League of Nations

The Unicorns against the extremely watered down United Nations. One team will eat cereal, dance, and play music all at once to showcase just how talented they are. The other will hug each other, refer to each other as friends, and even make a mention of going out together to get bevs and some cheeky Nandos. Who will prevail here? The men that start their day right with a great helping of booty, or the men that rely on each other for support and value their friendship more than anything else?

Winners: League of Nations wins.

But wait there’s more!

Enter Shawn Michaels, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Cactus Jack; in their gear and ready to destroy a couple of lads. The legends hit these lads with the mandible claw, sweet chin music, and a stone cold stunner. I no longer care what happens for the rest of the night. I am at bliss.

Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar

No Holds Barred Street Fight

That’s concerning. A no holds barred street fight. With these two psychopaths? Does WWE even want these two to survive after the match is over? Perhaps they want these two men to kill each other, that way Triple H doesn’t have to worry about fighting either of them when it comes to his championship. A very valid strategy if I must say so myself.

Winner:  Brock Lesnar

Triple Threat for the WWE Women’s Championship

Three out of four horsewoman ain’t so bad, is it? It’s actually quite lovely. Although there’s technically a senior horsewoman here, as Ric Flair will be accompanying Charlotte to the ring. We all know that technically, this is Ric’s match as he is the true baddest Diva in the game. However, Charlotte is happy to fight for him. The boss herself Sasha Banks has made it very clear that she’s going to get what she wants. As for Becky, does she have anything to lose? Nope, both of her friends have turned their backs on her. This one is for pride, and to prove the doubters wrong that she is in fact main-roster material.

Winner: Charlotte obtains the new WWE Women’s Championship

Spray Tan O’ Mac vs. The Undertaker

Hell in a Cell

Now if Spray Tan wins, he gets control of RAW and the dead man must retire. Would that be so bad though? It would be healthy for the Undertaker, and as we all know WWE cares very deeply about the health status of their performers. Then again….at what costs? Shane is undoubtedly going to fly a helicopter in and jump off of that onto the Undertaker… Quite frankly, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest to wear a poncho if you’re in the first few rows. That’s going to be a splash zone.

Winner: The Undertaker

André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal 

20 Humans in this Battle Royal

Goodness gracious. Okay, lots of humans here. Not quite as much as the royal rumble but enough to cause one to get a headache while watching it! Tonight’s special entrants: Diamond Dallas Page! Who knows, he might warrior pose his way to victory. We also have Tatanka, what a radical mongoose!

Extra Special Surprise Entrant: Shaquille O’Neal. He towers over everyone. Oh my.

Winner: Baron Corbin from NXT! Schweet

Obligatory segment for The Rock starts here!

Before taking two hours to get to the ring, he first sets a giant ‘Rock’ sign on fire. After the usual bit of hyping the crowd something spectacular happens, he announces Dallas broke the WWE attendance record. Yada yada, celebration stuff.

Bray Wyatt and his two remaining servants enter. Bray says some creepy stuff, Rock reminds him that he looks like a man that hits the bong, is the product of an incestuous relationship, and that Braun was breast fed since he was 26. A spontaneous match ensues where he defeats Rowan in six seconds.

John Cena enters next to help defend his bestie 4 lyfe, Rock. Talk about a surprise return! They beat up the swamp creatures and all is well with the universe.

Triple H vs. Roman Reigns

No DQ for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

I don’t know what happened between Fabio and Jason Mamoa for them to want to have a fight this brutal, but clearly their bad blood runs deep. So deep in fact that even Taylor Swift finds herself thinking ‘whoa, I could write a song about this’.

Winner: Roman Reigns is the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion

That was WrestleMania 32! Next up we wait for RAW. Before that we must all try to be able to fall asleep after that adrenaline inducing event.

Fastlane 2016: Highlights

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Good grief, it’s that time of year again! It’s time for the pay-per-view between the Royal Rumble and WrestleMania. What was once the great Elimination Chamber PPV has now been devastatingly downgraded to Fastlane. To top it off, this year it feels as though roughly half of this PPV was thrown together at the last possible second out of desperation. Is that a recipe for success? Eh, we’ll see. To be honest, it’s not exactly necessary. They can sort of get away with half-assing Fastlane, because the results and Monday Night RAW begin the real build up for Wrestlemania.

Kickoff

Kalisto vs. Alberto Del Rio

There’s a 90% chance I repeat exactly what I said for the Royal Rumble. Why? Because I very responsibly decided not to go back and check to see what I said. Now, the back and forth between these two has been kind of exciting! I can’t remember who has the belt at this point, but I do know that Del Rio has some precious friends to serve as back up. So, who shall win? The endearing Kalisto, or the dirtbag Del Rio?!

United States Championship, 2/3 falls.

Winner: Kalisto retains the US Championship

Fastlane

Sasha  Banks, Becky Lynch vs. Naomi, Tamina

My oh my, this is going to be dramatic. The scorned remnants of Team B.A.D. Tamina and Naomi are up against their former partner (leader, let’s be honest) and her kind of friend Becky Lynch. Becky’s the precious one that’s been wronged by all of her friends but she’s left to trust her partner Sasha, who really hasn’t been too kind to her as of late.Can the unlikely partners defeat the actual team, or will their distrust of each other lead to their downfall?

Winner: Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch win by submission

Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler

Intercontinental Championship

Oh boy oh boy oh boy here we go. Kevin Owens, actual toddler, finally has his shiny golden belt back! Dolph Ziggler, actual man-whore who believes he’s a rockstar, does not have the belt. To be frank, he probably has more of a claim over that belt than Kevin considering how many times he’s held it. Yet…he’s more of an adult about it! Well in comparison at least. Now Dolph somehow always holds the title, but Kevin is extremely stubborn…so who will win?

Winner: Kevin Owens retails the championship

Kane, Big Show, Ryback vs. The Wyatt Family

Honestly what can I even say about this match? The Wyatt Family has destroyed each of these people individually, and they’ll destroy them in a team. I can’t even joke about this! They’re all just thrown together because there was nothing planned at all! To top it all off, Kane has gone from the Big Red Machine to the Big Red Joke. That’s no way to live!

Winners: Big Show, Kane, Ryback–to EVERYONE’S surprise.

Charlotte vs. Brie Bella

Diva’s Championship

See this is charming. Out of nowhere Brie’s suddenly in the title picture. Charlotte of course has welcomed her by talking about her injured husband and telling Brie to go home and make some goat faced vegan babies. Delicious.  After those two spoke for what felt like 2 hours, we finally get this match up where Brie will do everything in her power to emulate her husband.

Winner: Charlotte retains the championship

AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho

Chris Jericho is doing the honors of welcoming AJ Styles to the WWE. Jericho’s been there man, he’s wrestled around the world, and he’s certainly wrestled in Japan. He knows exactly how AJ feels going from one promotion to another, and sometimes you just need a friend to ease you into that transition. Really, Chris is just doing AJ a favor! Should he throw a tantrum upon losing, well…you know, that’s just a bonus! Depending on who you are, of course.

Winner: AJ Styles….but how is either man still alive after that match?

The Cutting Edge Peep Show

With the New Day

No words can describe the magic between these two teams. Really, I couldn’t do it justice, it’s must see tv.

Then it got to the point where you realized it was just a cheap plug for their new show and nothing extraordinary was happening, ah well. Still funny!

R-Truth vs. Curtis Axel

What in the blue hell? This quite literally came out of nowhere. Not sure why this happened, but uh….R-Truth was game! One man with three partners, he was willing to do it all by himself without asking for help. The man deserves some credit for that! Unfortunately for him, Goldust decided to come out and attempt to save the day. It didn’t work.

Winner: Curtis Axel

Roman Reigns vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar

Triple Threat Match for the #1 Contendership to the WWE WHC

Oh boy. Okay, there’s far too much to say about this and too little coffee in the world for me to tackle the situation. So let’s just go about it this way. I forgot why Brock is even in the title match to begin with. Probably some storyline stuff that I forgot (I have lots of work to do, okay? Cut me some slack). Roman’s in because for some reason he doesn’t get a rematch clause. Dean is in because….Stephanie said so! Right? Yeah that sounds about right.

Any who, it’s the beast, against two brothers. Now, we’ve already had the brother’s relationship put to the test over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. BUT..will this be the straw that breaks the camel’s back?

Winner: Roman Reigns wins…obviously.

Bonus: Triple H enters and gives Roman a round of applause, how sweet!

Yeah nothing significant happened. This was a weird ending…I’m not too pleased.