Seeing Monday Night Raw: LIVE! (3/20/17)

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Yes that’s right, I in fact saw Monday Night Raw, live, at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York on March 20, 2017.

So let’s get down to it: what was it like?

First of all: it’s kind of amazing. When you finally get through security and spend twenty to thirty minutes looking for your seat because every single usher tells you to go to the next staircase: you finally land in your section. I myself had floor seats, section f5. Just about ten or eleven rows back from the barricade, a little before the WrestleMania sign.

The seats were okay. To be frank it was hard to see any of the action over anyone’s heads. To top it all off, the screen showing the fight was blocked by the lights and was basically far too vertical to watch comfortably. In addition to that people decided they were going to stand on their stupid chairs to get the perfect picture. Yes, thank you assholes who needed to do that; because everyone behind you is clearly seven feet tall and can see over you.

And you can’t teach that. Sorry. Moving on!

It felt like a mediocre episode of RAW. I anticipated crazy twists and turns because it’s two weeks to WrestleMania but I didn’t get any of that. I was also hoping I’d see Seth Rollins (even though people swore he was in the crowd at one point before retreating). However, I got to see my queen Stephanie McMahon live; as well as Triple H, Mick Foley, The Undertaker, and Chris Jericho. The Undertaker’s great, but there’s just something about seeing Chris Jericho live that really feels magical and makes me think “holy shit, am I really here”?

By the way, I mostly went because I really, really wanted to see Cesaro (he’s my favorite wrestler if you somehow haven’t gotten that) and his match ended far too quick for my liking. So…very disappointed.

Let’s talk about the chants.

Yes, there was a scandal recently, and of course Brooklyn had to start their charm. Before the show even began they shouted “We want Paige!” to the tune of “New Day Rocks”. Every single time she or Xavier Woods was on the screen they screamed. They also requested the presence of Brad Maddox, and typically CM Punk. Which still, to this day, is extremely pathetic and makes no sense.

CM Punk is not coming back, and if he is it’s going to be a Bret Hart situation twenty or so years from now where it’s just for a paycheck. Then he’ll probably critique a really great young talent horribly.

Then the sections began to fight. Above me the sides were chanting “That side sucks” at each other. My section retorted with “We got floor seats!”, which prompted them to say “floor seats suck!” in return.

It was super juvenile. During a match no less. Great, but yeah, go women’s wrestling right?

Also the children are probably the worst little smarks I’ve ever seen. Yes, I frequently come in contact with smarks that make me sigh heavily and ever regret joining social media platforms and dabbling into the wrestling fandom but I digress. The child behind me was saying just about every single match sucked, said Roman Reigns couldn’t wrestle (really kid?), and other shitty things I typically see adults say on twitter like Nia being fat or Alicia Fox having a busted face. Way to go, preteen. Already an asshole.

Oh, and on an unrelated note: A Bayley fan sat in front of me. Adorable little girl, really sobbed to hell when Bayley lost.

I laughed, I know it’s cruel but….yeah I cackled.

Something I thought was VERY interesting was the reception to Roman. It was very John Cena like, half the arena loved him, half hated him. At some points, the crowd unanimously booed. However, when Roman geared up for that spear and went for his classic “ooaahhh”, every single person belted it out with him in unison; something I frequently confused with boos while watching at home.

So you can’t ever say that Roman doesn’t connect with the fans.

I also didn’t have an experience with persistent males trying to strike up a conversation with me or ask for my number, unlike the last time I went to a WWE show. I’m not sure if it was because I went with a male, or because my exhausted face screamed “look at me and I will ruin your life”; but it was great.

The show was okay, the atmosphere felt like the stupid part of Twitter coming to life…but, it was nice. I just really need to see SmackDown live or stick to house shows.

 

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The Raw Bits: (Highlights 11/14/16)

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Right off the bat RAW started out by giving me extreme secondhand embarrassment. The moment Mick started dancing and partaking in his best imitation of Enzo Amore, I just…I felt like an embarrassed grandkid. Kudos to you Mick ,but um, I’ll be here hiding in mild embarrassment. Then it got worse when Stephanie McMahon unveiled her soccer mom inner self….gosh. Too much to handle.

Damn it, wrestling is so stupid and ridiculous, I love it so much.

Roman’s a great partner.

Sure, Kevin Owens wouldn’t help during the match; and yeah, he tagged himself in just as Roman was finally about to execute his finisher and take the win for them. However, even though Kevin was the legal man Roman did the right thing. He knocked out their opponent and dragged Kevin’s body on top of Sheamus in order to secure the win. Honestly, that’s a great, and considerate teammate being so selfless and supportive.

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The New Day is ready for cuffing season.

They show their readiness with a stunning interpretation of cuffing season, using a New Day sock and unicorn horn. They didn’t even remember to wrap the horn first, sigh. So irresponsible.

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Closing Segment RAW Vs. SmackDown

From Kevin cupping Chris Jericho’s sugar tit, to AJ Styles and his soccer mom hair making it on the List, all the way to James Ellsworth being dubbed Chince McMahon. I just….this entire segment was complete gold and too hilarious for words. Raw vs. SmackDown was perfect and I can’t wait for this match at Survivor Series.

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Stephanie McMahon loves Mortal Kombat

“Finish him!”–Such orders sound so fitting coming from Stephanie.

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The Raw Bits: (Highlights 10/31/16)

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Happy Halloween! To scare the fecal matter out of you, the show started off immediately with Goldberg’s entrance. So yes, if you are not paying any attention as you have just turned on your television, you may want to hover above a toilet or at least sit on a towel.

Rusev is confused.

Rusev is mixing porn with reality, and it’s mildly concerning. All he can talk about is Goldberg’s jackhammer and his spear, and really…..I mean, come on Rusev. If you want to experience it so bad, just take the man out to dinner. A steak, some wine, maybe split a dessert. You guys could have a great time.

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Ezno & Big Cass’ costumes are everything.

Ya got Enzo Lightyear and his buddy Big Woody (giggity) ready to take on Luke Gallows for this trick or street fight. Enzo is going to hit him to infinity and beyond, and Big Woody will watch with delight while he deals with the snake in his boot. Is that a euphemism for penis? I don’t know in this context, WWE has been awfully sexual these days….but either way it works.

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“You should be down on your knees thanking us.” –Chris Jericho 2016

In which Jericho wants Mick Foley on his knees in front of him, probably saying “Thank you Sir, may I have another?”. Alright WWE just say you’re sponsored by PornHub at this point.

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That sass off between Roman and Jericho.

If only they still had “stupid idiot” costumes. Roman could finally fulfill Jericho’s fantasy of being inside of him.

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Well that wraps it up for Monday Night Raw highlights by moi! I’d put more, but, I work with children and three hours is far too long for a program. Good grief. The night ended with a teaser of a Shield reunion with Seth making the save for Roman Reigns. Basically, fangirl and fanboy hearts and genitals everywhere exploded at the sight.

 

Hell in a Cell: Highlights (10/30/2016)

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Allow me to say: this historic “triple main event” business is garbage. You cannot have three main events. The main event is the last match that caps off the show because it’s pretty much the best damn thing you’re supposed to see all night. By saying there’s three main events you’re saying: well in case Sasha vs. Charlotte doesn’t go over well, I’ve got two other matches to fall back on and say THAT was the main event. It’s poop. Hogwash, bullshit.

You don’t say you’re having a “triple season premiere”, that’s ridiculous! Triple main event is just as ridiculous.

Kick Off Match

 

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Cedric Alexander, Lince Dorado, Sin Cara vs. Tony Nese, Drew Gulak, Ariya Daivari

The RAW roster is making good use of their cruiserweight division, and that’s by having the gang open up the show with a flippy-flippy, mega agile, jaw-dropping type of match. Now I like the cruiser weights, and I love fast paced matches like this, but let’s make sure no one flips off into oblivion, yeah?

Winners: Cedric Alexander, Lice Dorado, Sin Cara

Hell in a Cell

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Roman Reigns vs. Rusev

United States Championship Hell in a Cell Match

This is one of three main events for the night, and it’s starting off our Hell in a Cell PPV. Hopefully they have a spare cell lying around somewhere for the next two matches, in case these brutes destroy the structure a la Mick Foley and The Undertaker. Who will take the match? No one knows, Roman’s going against a discount Wolverine right now. The power of looking like Wolverine could give Rusev some mystical sort of power boost. It’s anyone’s game!

Winner:  Roman Reigns retains the title – after an oddly kinky/erotic match.

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Bayley vs. Dana Brooke

I can’t help but feel like this match resembles a middle schooler deciding to beat the ever living shit out of a wee little first grader. There’s just something about this dynamic between the two of them. For some reason Bayley’s happiness and cinnamon-roll like demeanor just reminds me of the purest of small children. Can’t imagine why, doubt it’s the bright colors, or the wacky waving…something something something tube men. Then there’s Dana, the arrogant, patronizing woman you want to punch in the face because she’s just so good at making you despise her. AH, storytelling, it’s lovely.

Winner: Bayley

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Big Cass, Enzo Amore vs. Luke Gallows, Karl Anderson

I know that whenever Enzo is in a match, I can look forward to someone picking him up and throwing him around like a blow up doll. Whether that’s his opponent, or his partner, it’s always fun to see him fly. Plus, he does bring me great joy by discussing how generic Karl Anderson is, it’s like talking about every single white boy ever..one white boy to another. What? Where was I? Big Cass made a Larry Bird pun. I can’t, it’s only hour two, they’re too entertaining and it’s draining my energy.

Winners: Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson, YAAAAY! 

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Seth Rollins vs. Kevin Owens

WWE Universal Championship Hell in a Cell Match

I look forward to this match being absolutely absurd and ridiculous. From Kevin’s beautiful quips during the match, to Seth ultimately doing a very, very stupid, death defying stunt. I don’t even know if I can make a joke about this. Oh, maybe I can say something about the former golden child now fighting the new golden boy to redeem his place. Eh…no, it just doesn’t go. Enjoy the second main event of the night!

Winner: Kevin Owens retains the championship….fuck that was a great match.

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TJ Perkins vs. Brian Kendrick

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

After the promo shown for this match up, all I could think about was that Gotye song, Somebody That I Used To Know. Man, sounds like things were pretty tight between these two. Welp. Not no more. Game nerd is about to destroy homeless looking Jesus.

Winner: Brian Kendrick via submission, and now that he’s won I assume he’ll get a haircut.

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The New Day vs. Cesaro, Sheamus

Raw Tag Team Championship Match

I’m so torn on who I want to win. Cesaro is one of my favorite wrestlers…but he’s paired with Sheamus, my favorite wrestler not because I like his abilities but because I love to make dumb jokes about him and his hair….and his ability to shine bright like a diamond on his entrance. Then there’s The New Day, and I adore them as well but they’ve had the titles for so long… alright, I made up my mind. Cesaro can hold both tag team title belts by himself, because he’s the Swiss Superman.

Winners: Cesaro and Sheamus via disqualification, but The New Day retains the titles. Fuck.

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Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte

Raw Women’s Championship Hell in a Cell Match

Finally, the third (and actual) main event of the night! Both women had incredible entrances that suited them so well. They had men CARRYING them and escorting them, far from the usual of women walking their men to the ring. Good, reverse the roles!

I’m ready for them to utterly destroy each other, as the first women to step inside HIAC.  It’s a historic moment for both these ladies, especially Sasha, who gets to do this in her home town.

Winner: Charlotte wins! 

What a pay per view! Every HIAC match was incredible, and as the main event, and the first women’s HIAC match, the ladies killed it! As well as each other, I mean, that was just….god it was brutal. What a match.

 

The Raw Bits: Grandpa Mick’s Warnings (Highlights 10/24/16)

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RAW starts out with us learning that someone has stolen the List of Jericho. Someone had the audacity to steal his most prized possession, hell…this seems like it’s borderline kidnapping. Something tells me the list might meet an untimely end like Dean’s old friend Mitch the plant.

Seth Rollins, god complex.

He has a god complex, right? I mean, he says he’s going to make sure Kevin Owens won’t be fit enough to walk around with the title ‘The Man’. I mean, this guy really, truly believes he’s all that, a bag of chips, and a tall glass of Dr. Pepper. Sigh, this is what happens when the Authority just feeds into his ego and treats him like the spoiled brat he is…

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Shame on Sheamus!

Finally, someone (The New Day) is finally shaming Sheamus! Thank goodness, that man is a mess, a former shell of himself. Quite frankly, he’s just a giant bully with an awful hairdo. The man needs to be shamed for a little while, humble the guy, let him get his shit together. I will never respect the hawk.

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Mick Foley still has unresolved feelings about the Cell.

I think he has a few souvenirs from HIAC, maybe that’s why. This segment takes me back to his little chat with Seth and Dean-warning them that the match changes who you are. You might come out a shell of your former self. Hell, you may leave with less limbs than you entered with.

However, Charlotte really stole the show coming into her own as the evil Queen. She brought the fire in the match between her and Sasha. Bringing up her tendency to get injured easily? Oh dear, she’s going to make this match a brutal one.

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RAW was okay, I mean, it was missing a very crucial part. It should have had Mick talking to the male competitors for HIAC this coming Sunday. He spoke to Sasha and Charlotte, so he should’ve extended his warnings! A nice locker room talk, where he’s wrapped the superstars in warm blankets and makes them hot cocoa in order to soothe their worries during the explanation of the soon to be devastating ordeal. I just feel like that really would have sold the idea of how scary and life changing HIAC is.

 

 

The Raw Bits: Highlights (10/17/16)

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Well, the beginning of Monday Night Raw saw the birth of Sparkle Crotch (aka Chris Jericho), so that was something. The crowd now has a new favorite chant to say, but ya know if Roman Reigns said it the boos would be heard all the way in New Zealand.

Lots of Little Gems

I’ve been really bored all day. I don’t know what it is, but this episode of Raw just couldn’t keep my attention. Sure there were lots of little gems like the JeriKO romantic dispute, or Cesaro’s Facebok livestream during Sheamus’ match. Sami was a great man of the people, finally stepping up to Braun Strowman (totally didn’t end well). Hell, the brawl between Rusev and Roman was kind of entertaining once you got passed that very long Rusev family history.

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TJ Perkins might like video games.

Honestly I’m not too sure about this one. I know they constantly make game references, use the vernacular associated with gaming, but I’m not sure. I mean, what games does he like exactly? For all we know, he could be a massive fan of mind games. Are they beating us over the head with all of these gaming references because he likes video games? Or is there something more? What is the meaning of video games? Can you tell a lot about a man by his favorite game? Favorite console? This is just getting too deep for me to keep up.

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As for Brock and Goldberg: I don’t care. I despise Brock Lesnar, I’m indifferent with Goldberg, but I really loathe Brock Lesnar. It just needs to be Tuesday already so I can watch SmackDown!

Side Note: Goldberg’s entrance is dramatic as fuck, as the kids say.

Extra Side Note: He seemed so happy to be back, it was adorable.

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Mother Abandons Her Son: The Seth Rollins Story

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Seth Rollins is commonly known as the man, yet to the Authority he was known as the Golden Boy. He was the one that would lead them to greatness, as WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Seth was a force to be reckoned with. As a matter of fact, Seth was a petulant child, and a spoiled rotten brat who had it all.

Seth had the pride of his father. Sure, Triple H didn’t publicly voice how proud he was of Seth all the time. He didn’t make a big show of things whenever he had the chance, and he certainly didn’t try to show how proud he was through constant hugs or praises. Triple H was typically the stereotypical father figure, a man who oozed stoic, silent pride for their son. Where Seth really had the connection was with his mother, the queen herself, Stephanie McMahon.

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Stephanie often sang Seth’s praises, and they always seemed to have the closest bond. Even during the brand split, she was his first pick—not once showing a hint of leaving her child on a church doorstep in favor of someone better. 

We all expected this turn to happen. Triple H always chose a new son to claim as his own, from Randy Orton, to Seth Rollins, now down to Kevin Owens. What few expected, and many (including Seth) were dreading, was the mother’s abandonment of her child. Stephanie gave up on Seth, something he never expected in all his time in being with The Authority.

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He was clearly reeling with this loss. He noted that he was the best she ever had. Whether that’s his ego speaking or the cold hard truth the fact of the matter is this: he’s upset. Seth Rollins had it all, and lost it faster than he could blink.

Now all Seth can experience is the feeling of being alone. He abandoned his former brothers, his adoptive brother Randy turned on him as well. The hobbits of J&J Security, Uncle Kane, weird ,creepy not-actually-his-uncle-but-kind-of-his-uncle Big Show—everyone abandoned him. Seth had to deal with the feeling of being completely and utterly alone.

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He has to face the world by himself, but can he do it?! He’s had someone to fall back on his entire career. Seth’s always been in a group, somehow, somewhere, someone always had his back. He has to prove himself worthy of being called “The Man” and being able to do everything on his own—even if he doesn’t necessarily have to. There’s always an option for help, and sometimes you find friends where you least expect it.

For example, Seth could possibly have the help of good ol’ Uncle Mick. Sure, they got off to a rocky start. Seth clearly has an awful attitude problem and has never had disciplinary action taken against him.  Regardless of that, if Mick can get through Seth, get through the feelings of the child that’s been abandoned and lost people close to him so many times before:then there can be hope for him. Alone in the world, it’s up to Seth Rollins to mend his life, build new bridges, and give his parents the ultimate middle finger.