SmackDown: Taking Souls & Diggin’ Holes (Highlights 11/15/16)

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The 900th episode of SmackDown live is brought to you by Mauro Ranallo, who promises that it will be L-I-T. Given that I trust this man, I’m going to assume that he’s correct and it’s going to be a great night.

Maryse wins the title!

Okay maybe she didn’t win and The Miz is actually holding it….but she won for her husband. Maryse is the MVP of SmackDown and she’s the best wife in the world for helping her husband. I look forward to her turning on him and holding the championship herself.

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Natalya be Tubthumping.

Honestly she’s a great coach, speaking such wise words of Chumbawamba wisdom to Alexa Bliss. Team SmackDown is extremely lucky.

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Nikki vs. Carmella

It is VICIOUS between the two of them. There’s so much feeling and emotion there and I’m actually interested in this story because it’s not some garbage they threw together last second for Total Divas. It’s also allowing them to be vicious and “go hard” just like the guys do when feuds are continuous like this. It’s different, and I like it.

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RAW Invades SmackDown

WHAT?! It was AWESOME. Nia Jax made a clean sweep tossing around the entire women’s SmackDown team before the ladies managed to regain control. Plus Naomi did a beautiful splash off of the top rope. Ugh, fantastic.I’d love to see more of this. These two matches/segments didn’t feel exclusively female like WWE’s been doing for years, they felt like two matches/segments that would apply to any gender.

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“Taking souls and diggin’ holes.”

God damn it, Undertaker is so cool.

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SmackDown: Mascot de Ellsworth (Highlights 11/8/16)

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It is election day, the scariest day in American history and we are watching SmackDown. Brace yourselves for potential political quips and references, and possibly a night all about Survivor Series.

James Ellsworth: Official Mascot

That’s right, he will be the official mascot for team blue during Survivor Series. This is incredible. I mean, honestly, he actually volunteered himself for this role. To be a mascot. Oh this poor cinnamon roll.

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Breezango is a bunch of strippers.

True story, Glasgow really brought their sexy out of them. I say, they’ve got promising careers in Vegas if this whole wrestling thing doesn’t work out.

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Shane O’Mac replacing Baron Corbin!

Er….well that’s interesting. Okay, I love Shane McMahon, I really do, he’s fantastic. But….taking Baron Corbin out on some lame “injury” thing? I would have loved to see him at Survivor Series, I don’t see enough of him! I don’t know, I find this switch to be rather…odd to say the least. I wonder where they’ll take this, if there’s more stipulations or how that match will play out.

 

SmackDown surprisingly had much more wrestling compared to Raw the night before, especially since Raw is a three hour program. Next week we get to see Edge and Undertaker, so I’m looking forward to a damn good episode to make up for this week.

 

Payback: Highlights (5/1/16)

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Holy crap, it’s May. Isn’t that insane? Feels like just yesterday it was WrestleMania and Brock Lesnar half-assed what could have been match of the year.

Ah, sweet memories.

Anywho… the buildup has been a little odd, hasn’t it? Shane has been running the program even though he lost to the Undertaker, so that’s peculiar and makes no sense, but okay! Ryback and Kalisto haven’t had much of a buildup at all, Bret Hart will be in Natalya’s corner tonight but he doesn’t want to be there. Man, is that a horrible start to May or a great start?

Kickoff Match

Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Ziggler

Bet you thought Kalisto and Ryback were going to be on the pre-show, right? Ha! Loser…

No it’s fine, me too. They changed it up on me last second and I write these things 5 minutes in advance. It’s really throwing me for a loop having to write it on the spot. Honestly, I feel frazzled. Regardless, Dolph’s kind of showing some desperation lately with his matches. He’s getting a little too anxious, losing his cool when he goes against Baron, signs of a man being fearful of loss rather than a man willing to do any and everything. Baron’s keeping his cool. As a lone wolf he doesn’t stress out–not until things go absolutely wrong at the end and he has to punish someone for his own wrongdoings. Ah, I love people.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler

Kalisto vs. Ryback

United States Championship

David versus Goliath part two, at least for these two. Was there ever a canon sequel for that story? If not, consider this now canon and part of the biblical universe. Why they’re fighting again, I’m not sure but perhaps there’s one viewer that actually knows this very well. Kalisto might get destroyed for real this time considering the giant sour cream and onion chip on Ryback’s shoulder. But….that little guy is feisty! Who knows what insane, death defying stunt he’ll pull.Plus, Ryback’s on the pre-show again. Maybe the rage will give him extra strength.

Winner:  Kalisto retains the championship, and surprisingly has good in-ring chemistry with Ryback.

Payback

Enzo Amore and Big Cass vs. The Vaudevillains

#1 Contendership for the WWE Tag Team Titles

This is….this is absolutely magical. Smacktalker Skywalker and his own personal Chewbacca are going to take on the carnival rejects from that one, really, really grumpy town out in the middle of nowhere. This surely would have been a great match.

Unfortunately, Enzo hit the mad incredibly hard while attempting to slide out of the ring, and the match ended. As of this writing, Enzo has been diagnosed with a concussion and other tests have come out negative. Here’s hoping to a speedy and healthy recovery.

 Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn

Best friends turned bitter rivals. Ah, I love the smell of two former friends beating the crap out of each other. It smells like personal, vengeance, and probably a bit of blood. Kevin Owens plays the perpetual victim, and everyone’s cheering for our precious Sami Zayn to knock some sense into him.

Winner: Kevin Owens kicks Sami Zayn into a new galaxy

The Miz vs. Cesaro

Intercontinental Championship

The Miz has really stepped his game in recent weeks, but you know what they say. Behind every man is a great, wonderful, powerful woman that’s really the one to make sure you get what you deserve and or want. Can Cesaro, the man that’s probably going to be cast for a WWE style Transporter knock off movie, take the belt from him? Well, one can certainly hope so!

Winner: The Miz retains both the title and a great relationship with his wife.

Dean Ambrose vs. Chris Jericho

Do it for the potted plant, Ambrose.

It’s about time Ambrose got some revenge on Chris Jericho for screwing up his match with Roman against the Wyatt Family all those eons ago. C’mon, baby, it’s only right! Someone has to stop Jericho and his mad streak of terrorizing superstars. He’s already wearing scarves to highlight his madness, how far is Jericho going to go?!

Winner: Dean Ambrose! Now Jericho can sit in the corner shedding tears of blood.

Natalya vs. Charlotte

WWE Women’s Championship

Well this will be fun. Ric Flair is under investigation for possibly being drunk at an airport, and Bret Hart really doesn’t want to be there. So, the two men that aren’t even in the match are clearly having the time of their lives. As for the women, well, Charlotte’s been reigning supreme for quite some time. Yet this time around, perhaps it’s time for the real Queen Natalya’s reign to begin.

Winner: Charlotte retains after WWE recreates the Montreal Screwjob. Its successor will now be called the Chicago Screwjob.

#RAWDecision

You know who doesn’t care? The live audience in the arena. Then again, they don’t care about anything, they like hijacking the show.

The takeaway here is that Shane and Stephanie are both in charge of RAW.

Okay maybe another important takeaway here is that Vince said he wants blood to be shed. Okay, where’s his father of the year award? Time for Titus to pass it down to Vince.

Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles

WWE World Heavyweight Championship.

On this day in WWE history, smarks cried at the possibility of Roman Reigns beating AJ Styles. Why? No one knows. There’s one theory out there about wrestling fans becoming hipsters that go out of their way to detest home-grown wrestlers….but that individual harbors too much common sense to deal with said people. Said people don’t realize that even booing him still help. Any reaction is better than no reaction, that’s for sure.

As for AJ, the fans are going to be behind him for the most part. However, they may be so focused on hating Roman that they’ll forget to chant for AJ. Let’s not forget Anderson, Gallows, and the Usos who have clearly taken sides in this showdown. Will Styles’ old buddies return to help him, or are they secretly plotting against him?

Winner: AJ Styles wins by count out, BUT Roman Reigns retains the title.

Bonus Surprise: Shane McMahon has some words to say. Match restarts with no count outs.

Winner again: AJ Styles, because apparently a low-blow happened….but Reigns is still champion!

Bonus Surprise 2: Stephanie McMahon now has some words. The match restarts, no count out and now no disqualifications. Oh dear, that one upsmanship will get these two killed.

Winner for the 3rd time: Roman Reigns retains his championship.

My what a night full of incredible matches. All that’s left is the fallout to be encountered on RAW. The rematches that will take place, the set ups for Extreme Rules, and how Stephanie and Shane can possibly run the show together.

WrestleMania 32: Highlights (4/3/16)

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Finally, WrestleMania is upon us! Already the bar has been set tremendously high from NXT Takeover: Dallas. Can the main roster follow their stellar performance? What oldies but goodies will we see return? Finally, what in the blue hell will the Rock be doing tonight?

Main Card

Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz vs. Stardust vs. Sin Cara vs. Zack Ryder

Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Championship

Geez look how many people are listed for this fight. It’s exhausting just looking at it! Let’s see. We have ladders, contenders we haven’t seen in quite sometime, and the murder bear known as Kevin Owens. Can we say–brutal fight of the century? Almost! There’s several contenders on this card worthy of that title. Yet none of them have a murder bear, which really, every match needs one.

Winner: Zack Ryder–so well deserved. About time.

AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho

AJ Styles, the new hotness, the anticipated phenomenal one will be going against Chris Jericho. The man with the daddy kink. The ayatollah of rock and rollah. The really, really arrogant bastard that throws little fits when he loses or taunts someone and quite frankly–does it all incredibly well.

Winner: Chris Jericho, to everyone’s surprise.

The New Day vs. The League of Nations

The Unicorns against the extremely watered down United Nations. One team will eat cereal, dance, and play music all at once to showcase just how talented they are. The other will hug each other, refer to each other as friends, and even make a mention of going out together to get bevs and some cheeky Nandos. Who will prevail here? The men that start their day right with a great helping of booty, or the men that rely on each other for support and value their friendship more than anything else?

Winners: League of Nations wins.

But wait there’s more!

Enter Shawn Michaels, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Cactus Jack; in their gear and ready to destroy a couple of lads. The legends hit these lads with the mandible claw, sweet chin music, and a stone cold stunner. I no longer care what happens for the rest of the night. I am at bliss.

Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar

No Holds Barred Street Fight

That’s concerning. A no holds barred street fight. With these two psychopaths? Does WWE even want these two to survive after the match is over? Perhaps they want these two men to kill each other, that way Triple H doesn’t have to worry about fighting either of them when it comes to his championship. A very valid strategy if I must say so myself.

Winner:  Brock Lesnar

Triple Threat for the WWE Women’s Championship

Three out of four horsewoman ain’t so bad, is it? It’s actually quite lovely. Although there’s technically a senior horsewoman here, as Ric Flair will be accompanying Charlotte to the ring. We all know that technically, this is Ric’s match as he is the true baddest Diva in the game. However, Charlotte is happy to fight for him. The boss herself Sasha Banks has made it very clear that she’s going to get what she wants. As for Becky, does she have anything to lose? Nope, both of her friends have turned their backs on her. This one is for pride, and to prove the doubters wrong that she is in fact main-roster material.

Winner: Charlotte obtains the new WWE Women’s Championship

Spray Tan O’ Mac vs. The Undertaker

Hell in a Cell

Now if Spray Tan wins, he gets control of RAW and the dead man must retire. Would that be so bad though? It would be healthy for the Undertaker, and as we all know WWE cares very deeply about the health status of their performers. Then again….at what costs? Shane is undoubtedly going to fly a helicopter in and jump off of that onto the Undertaker… Quite frankly, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest to wear a poncho if you’re in the first few rows. That’s going to be a splash zone.

Winner: The Undertaker

André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal 

20 Humans in this Battle Royal

Goodness gracious. Okay, lots of humans here. Not quite as much as the royal rumble but enough to cause one to get a headache while watching it! Tonight’s special entrants: Diamond Dallas Page! Who knows, he might warrior pose his way to victory. We also have Tatanka, what a radical mongoose!

Extra Special Surprise Entrant: Shaquille O’Neal. He towers over everyone. Oh my.

Winner: Baron Corbin from NXT! Schweet

Obligatory segment for The Rock starts here!

Before taking two hours to get to the ring, he first sets a giant ‘Rock’ sign on fire. After the usual bit of hyping the crowd something spectacular happens, he announces Dallas broke the WWE attendance record. Yada yada, celebration stuff.

Bray Wyatt and his two remaining servants enter. Bray says some creepy stuff, Rock reminds him that he looks like a man that hits the bong, is the product of an incestuous relationship, and that Braun was breast fed since he was 26. A spontaneous match ensues where he defeats Rowan in six seconds.

John Cena enters next to help defend his bestie 4 lyfe, Rock. Talk about a surprise return! They beat up the swamp creatures and all is well with the universe.

Triple H vs. Roman Reigns

No DQ for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

I don’t know what happened between Fabio and Jason Mamoa for them to want to have a fight this brutal, but clearly their bad blood runs deep. So deep in fact that even Taylor Swift finds herself thinking ‘whoa, I could write a song about this’.

Winner: Roman Reigns is the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion

That was WrestleMania 32! Next up we wait for RAW. Before that we must all try to be able to fall asleep after that adrenaline inducing event.