SmackDown: Taking Souls & Diggin’ Holes (Highlights 11/15/16)

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The 900th episode of SmackDown live is brought to you by Mauro Ranallo, who promises that it will be L-I-T. Given that I trust this man, I’m going to assume that he’s correct and it’s going to be a great night.

Maryse wins the title!

Okay maybe she didn’t win and The Miz is actually holding it….but she won for her husband. Maryse is the MVP of SmackDown and she’s the best wife in the world for helping her husband. I look forward to her turning on him and holding the championship herself.

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Natalya be Tubthumping.

Honestly she’s a great coach, speaking such wise words of Chumbawamba wisdom to Alexa Bliss. Team SmackDown is extremely lucky.

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Nikki vs. Carmella

It is VICIOUS between the two of them. There’s so much feeling and emotion there and I’m actually interested in this story because it’s not some garbage they threw together last second for Total Divas. It’s also allowing them to be vicious and “go hard” just like the guys do when feuds are continuous like this. It’s different, and I like it.

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RAW Invades SmackDown

WHAT?! It was AWESOME. Nia Jax made a clean sweep tossing around the entire women’s SmackDown team before the ladies managed to regain control. Plus Naomi did a beautiful splash off of the top rope. Ugh, fantastic.I’d love to see more of this. These two matches/segments didn’t feel exclusively female like WWE’s been doing for years, they felt like two matches/segments that would apply to any gender.

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“Taking souls and diggin’ holes.”

God damn it, Undertaker is so cool.

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Raw….ASCENDS!!

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On Monday night’s Raw, viewers were wonderfully blessed to see Edge and Christian return to host for the evening. Together the two were a comedic duo of glory. They announce their first guest for the show ‘Cutting Edge Peep Show’ would be Seth Rollins, mommy and daddy’s favorite son! But better yet, they announce a match we’ve all been dying to watch since Roman’s return.

Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins.

Oh yes, we can look forward to that beat down later. For now we must deal with the horrifying fact that Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman interrupt the five second pose to smack talk and invite Cena out.

Really? I mean, he told Edge that Cena was his hero….I…I don’t know why Cena would be considered Edge’s hero, but alright then. Cena is called out to the ring, and what happens? He wants to start a fight with Brock after bitch slapping Paul. Unfortunately we do not get to the two of them fight, but we have to praise the parodies of Brock’s sayings in the background.

Dolph vs. Rusev

(Champ vs. Champ)

Seeing as how Rusev is one massive Russian beast and is so far undefeated, it’s hard to imagine that Dolph would get the pin. Dolph does win the match, but only by disqualification. Rusev can’t seem to stop pummeling the poor ramen-haired man with his boot and that leads to the disqualification. Then to further destroy the show-off he pins him in the ropes and spends the next few moments torturing him until Ryback can save the day. After Ryback chases off the beast it leads to a very….odd promo?

It seemed misplaced, and quite frankly it almost seemed like Ryback was going to announce a retirement with how he went through his life story and came to be the monster which is Ryback.

Also let us never forget, his name was once Skip in the ring.

But the entire life story, his struggles, all of it led to one promo against…Rusev. It was just….very weird to watch.

Natalya vs. Nikki

Nikki wins the match, but not after being thrown out the ring and caught by Nattie’s husband Tyson. Really, she looked all too happy to be caught by him and Natalya was not amused in the slightest.

Usos vs Miz and Mizdow

This was for the tag team championship, and comes after Naomi thanks the Miz backstage for all that he did for her and her budding hollywood career. Congratulations Miz, someone aside from yourself doesn’t see you as a selfish prick!

As soon as the bell has rung, the only person who isn’t booed in the ring is Mizdow, but of course Miz will not tag him in. The Usos take the win, ending 2014 as the tag team champions they were for the year.

Cesaro….pulls a CM punk?

Someone is not happy happy that he isn’t seen as star material. After announcing he doesn’t care about connecting with the people and only cares about what he does inside the four ropes (three ropes bub, but he does know it has four sides) we have a special returning man with some bad news.

Enter…Bad News Barrett!

JBL is over the moon with excitement with BNB’s return, even going as far as to shout ,”My New Year’s complete!”. He’s like a happy kid on Christmas. In the fight Cesaro returns with his swing! Because who doesn’t love getting spun around by a giant shiny head man?

Unfortunately for Cesaro the swing wasn’t enough to defeat BNB and his bull hammer elbow.

Luke Harper vs Jack Swagger

After a Luke Harper promo (Guys, he speaks!) he begins his match with Jack Swagger. Honestly…it was boring, very boring. The entire match was two large men lying on top of each other. But hey, Luke Harper won!

Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins

Now this was a match full of brutality by both contenders. The nimble ninja Seth Rollins delivering devastating kicks while Roman Reigns delivers powerful blows. During this match we have Big Show on commentary, praising Seth while making comments on how Roman is not star material and he’s just ‘pretty’.

Honestly, Big Show is the disgruntled ex-girlfriend of Roman, there to cheer on his new wife Seth.

As Roman is about to deliver a finish that would have led him to win the match, Big Show interferes and hurls him over the announcer’s table before flipping it over and burying him underneath everything. Well, that’s unfortunate.

Main Event: Daniel Bryan

BACK IN THE 2015 ROYAL RUMBLE. YES! YES! YES! YES!

Backstage the Miz (with Mizdow in tow) makes a demand for a rematch because he is quite bitter over losing to the Usos. He wants a tag team match to get the championship back. But instead of getting what he wants, Edge promises him a match taking place very ,very soon but not for the titles.

The Ascension

The Ascension makes their debut as a tag team against the Miz and Mizdow. Seeing them with their lively, vicious entrance the entire time Miz is shaking his head and looking absolutely horrified. Naturally as soon as the match starts he tags out and lets Mizdow take the beating, allowing for the Ascension to win.

The Cutting Edge Peep Show

Now this was the perfect way to end the final Raw of 2014. It was also a magnificent way of establishing Seth Rollins as an amazing heel. Why? Well after he and his security team bring out the champagne, he butters up the hosting duo by saying they’re his idols. Seth announces that it’s going to be a new year, leading to a new Rollins. He invites the Big Show out (his loving husband) who happily joins him. After several attempts in drawing John Cena out to the party…things take a horrible turn for the worst.

He turns on the hosts of the evening. Slamming Christian in the gut with the briefcase, they then surround Edge like a pack of hounds ready to feast. They get Edge on the ground, holding him hostage and threatening to paralyze him should Cena not show up. When the walking billboard makes his appearance he is ready to save his idols….but he needs to do one thing.

Seth forces John to bring back the authority, with the promise that he won’t curb stomp Edge to death. After humiliating Cena, breaking him down and getting him to bring them back, Seth says one very memorable line.

But damn, you gotta know me better than that, I’m gonna kill him anyway

Now that is how a proper heel conducts business.

Luckily for us he doesn’t actually kill Edge, but he does curb stomp John Cena once he interferes, and that’s pretty damn okay in my book.

Seth shakes hands with Paul Heyman after getting everything he wanted. Finally the Authority, Seth’s mommy and daddy join them with champagne in hand, toasting a job well done to their favorite son.

Can’t you just imagine Seth looking brightly into their eyes, with the question ringing out “Did I do well mom? Dad? Did I?”