Damn It, Roman!

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Ah man….Roman Reigns. I know, I know. I talk about this guy a lot. But I mean, how can I not? Everyone talks about him!

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His fans? They talk about him. There’s social media accounts dedicated to him because of how much they love him. His haters? Hell they can’t stop talking about him. They too have social media accounts dedicated to getting Roman fired. There’s petitions about it, about him, people boo him out of the building. Good grief, Roman Reigns is forever a trending topic in the online world of professional wrestling/sports entertainment.

Right now we seem to be at a sour spot for countless fans out there. So far, it’s been said that The Undertaker’s last match was in fact his match against Roman Reigns at WrestleMania 33. This is seen as a problem for many. Yes, a lot of it has to do with the fact that none of us can fathom the fact or are willing to accept that The Undertaker is retired. Instead he should quite literally be immortal and wrestle for all eternity, but that’s a whole other issue.

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The issue is that the person that was his final opponent was Roman Reigns. Now while this is seen as going out in a classic way: passing the torch to the younger guy to carry the company; the issue is who the torch was passed to. The fact that it’s Roman bothers many, but personally? I’m not completely bothered by it. Mostly because the match itself was horrifying. It’s clear that Taker should in no way have been wrestling, and he clearly cannot go anymore. The man’s body is in no physical condition to do this, hence the absolute slaughter that we witnessed.

To be frank, his last match should have been with Brock Lesnar when the streak ended. He should not have wrestled after that, as he clearly hasn’t been the same. It’s been like watching your grandfather try to fight a spry young man in the prime of his life while he himself is on his last leg. It’s awful, and it’s downright painful to my soul.

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Now, should his last match have been Brock? Nope. Again, that’s something that could have gone to a younger talent to pass the torch along. Maybe if Bray was in all his creepy prime, he could have done it. Or hell, it could have been Finn Balor if timelines were different. But Brock? To end the streak? Come on… If there was no possible way to pass the torch to a younger talent, I’d have gone with Kane, or bring back the Legend Killer to finally do the greatest job of all time, kill Taker.

Unfortunately time doesn’t work like that. We don’t have our own TARDIS’ lying around for us to fix these grave mistakes. Instead, we make do with what we’ve got, and as fans, we can choose to enjoy it or choose to change the channel. When you choose to stick with the product, you’ve got to face the facts. This isn’t your show, and you can’t manipulate it any way you want it, even if it’s that’s the way you need it, most of the time it’s just not going to happen.

Take for example, turning Roman heel, as though that is the be all end all to save the day. Now, I remember this being said about a certain John Cena. Would it have been great to see? Hell yeah? Will it happen? Nah. Yet look at Roman, the man killed the Undertaker (though I would still technically give that to Brock Lesnar), and he’s been booed out of the building ever since. That sounds like a pretty solid heel, or at the very least if they’re not willing to fully embrace it: an antihero. Though I suppose it depends on the day and the crowd he’s playing to. He’s already treated like a heel by the fans and every opponent he has is cheered as a face. So what does it matter whether or not he makes a full fledged heel turn?

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We’re at a very confusing time right now in wrestling. Heels are cheered and babyfaces are booed whether that’s out of boredom or just because they’re stale. Maybe it’s the fact that we’re a jaded audience these days that relates far more to a cynical heel than a hopeful babyface. Whatever the reason is, the lines between good and evil are clearly blurred especially with WWE’s writing as of late. While we seem to firmly believe the recipe for success is a classic good versus evil fight, it’s very rare we can achieve these classic archetypes in a time where being the antihero or the bad guy is all the rage.

So where does that leave us? The fuck are we to do with Roman Reigns being booed out the building and this rocket strapped to his ass, knowing that everyone hates it?

Change the channel, honestly. The same people that whine about his push and other superstars being buried are the same people that swear that indy wrestling is better. So…go watch it. There’s other programs to watch, why must something be destroyed just because you don’t like it, knowing that you can’t control anything that happens? Lucha Underground, Ring of Honor, New Japan Pro Wrestling, and countless others that I’m missing are all available for you to watch. So support them, help them grow, so you can someday see the types of storylines and wrestling that you want to see. Come back to WWE when things have changed or you’re drawn to something that’ll grab your attention more than your painful hatred and disgust of Roman Reigns. I know, it’s hard to get rid of such an addiction, but I mean….why put yourself through that hate?

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Seeing Monday Night Raw: LIVE! (3/20/17)

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Yes that’s right, I in fact saw Monday Night Raw, live, at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York on March 20, 2017.

So let’s get down to it: what was it like?

First of all: it’s kind of amazing. When you finally get through security and spend twenty to thirty minutes looking for your seat because every single usher tells you to go to the next staircase: you finally land in your section. I myself had floor seats, section f5. Just about ten or eleven rows back from the barricade, a little before the WrestleMania sign.

The seats were okay. To be frank it was hard to see any of the action over anyone’s heads. To top it all off, the screen showing the fight was blocked by the lights and was basically far too vertical to watch comfortably. In addition to that people decided they were going to stand on their stupid chairs to get the perfect picture. Yes, thank you assholes who needed to do that; because everyone behind you is clearly seven feet tall and can see over you.

And you can’t teach that. Sorry. Moving on!

It felt like a mediocre episode of RAW. I anticipated crazy twists and turns because it’s two weeks to WrestleMania but I didn’t get any of that. I was also hoping I’d see Seth Rollins (even though people swore he was in the crowd at one point before retreating). However, I got to see my queen Stephanie McMahon live; as well as Triple H, Mick Foley, The Undertaker, and Chris Jericho. The Undertaker’s great, but there’s just something about seeing Chris Jericho live that really feels magical and makes me think “holy shit, am I really here”?

By the way, I mostly went because I really, really wanted to see Cesaro (he’s my favorite wrestler if you somehow haven’t gotten that) and his match ended far too quick for my liking. So…very disappointed.

Let’s talk about the chants.

Yes, there was a scandal recently, and of course Brooklyn had to start their charm. Before the show even began they shouted “We want Paige!” to the tune of “New Day Rocks”. Every single time she or Xavier Woods was on the screen they screamed. They also requested the presence of Brad Maddox, and typically CM Punk. Which still, to this day, is extremely pathetic and makes no sense.

CM Punk is not coming back, and if he is it’s going to be a Bret Hart situation twenty or so years from now where it’s just for a paycheck. Then he’ll probably critique a really great young talent horribly.

Then the sections began to fight. Above me the sides were chanting “That side sucks” at each other. My section retorted with “We got floor seats!”, which prompted them to say “floor seats suck!” in return.

It was super juvenile. During a match no less. Great, but yeah, go women’s wrestling right?

Also the children are probably the worst little smarks I’ve ever seen. Yes, I frequently come in contact with smarks that make me sigh heavily and ever regret joining social media platforms and dabbling into the wrestling fandom but I digress. The child behind me was saying just about every single match sucked, said Roman Reigns couldn’t wrestle (really kid?), and other shitty things I typically see adults say on twitter like Nia being fat or Alicia Fox having a busted face. Way to go, preteen. Already an asshole.

Oh, and on an unrelated note: A Bayley fan sat in front of me. Adorable little girl, really sobbed to hell when Bayley lost.

I laughed, I know it’s cruel but….yeah I cackled.

Something I thought was VERY interesting was the reception to Roman. It was very John Cena like, half the arena loved him, half hated him. At some points, the crowd unanimously booed. However, when Roman geared up for that spear and went for his classic “ooaahhh”, every single person belted it out with him in unison; something I frequently confused with boos while watching at home.

So you can’t ever say that Roman doesn’t connect with the fans.

I also didn’t have an experience with persistent males trying to strike up a conversation with me or ask for my number, unlike the last time I went to a WWE show. I’m not sure if it was because I went with a male, or because my exhausted face screamed “look at me and I will ruin your life”; but it was great.

The show was okay, the atmosphere felt like the stupid part of Twitter coming to life…but, it was nice. I just really need to see SmackDown live or stick to house shows.

 

WrestleMania 32: Highlights (4/3/16)

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Finally, WrestleMania is upon us! Already the bar has been set tremendously high from NXT Takeover: Dallas. Can the main roster follow their stellar performance? What oldies but goodies will we see return? Finally, what in the blue hell will the Rock be doing tonight?

Main Card

Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz vs. Stardust vs. Sin Cara vs. Zack Ryder

Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Championship

Geez look how many people are listed for this fight. It’s exhausting just looking at it! Let’s see. We have ladders, contenders we haven’t seen in quite sometime, and the murder bear known as Kevin Owens. Can we say–brutal fight of the century? Almost! There’s several contenders on this card worthy of that title. Yet none of them have a murder bear, which really, every match needs one.

Winner: Zack Ryder–so well deserved. About time.

AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho

AJ Styles, the new hotness, the anticipated phenomenal one will be going against Chris Jericho. The man with the daddy kink. The ayatollah of rock and rollah. The really, really arrogant bastard that throws little fits when he loses or taunts someone and quite frankly–does it all incredibly well.

Winner: Chris Jericho, to everyone’s surprise.

The New Day vs. The League of Nations

The Unicorns against the extremely watered down United Nations. One team will eat cereal, dance, and play music all at once to showcase just how talented they are. The other will hug each other, refer to each other as friends, and even make a mention of going out together to get bevs and some cheeky Nandos. Who will prevail here? The men that start their day right with a great helping of booty, or the men that rely on each other for support and value their friendship more than anything else?

Winners: League of Nations wins.

But wait there’s more!

Enter Shawn Michaels, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Cactus Jack; in their gear and ready to destroy a couple of lads. The legends hit these lads with the mandible claw, sweet chin music, and a stone cold stunner. I no longer care what happens for the rest of the night. I am at bliss.

Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar

No Holds Barred Street Fight

That’s concerning. A no holds barred street fight. With these two psychopaths? Does WWE even want these two to survive after the match is over? Perhaps they want these two men to kill each other, that way Triple H doesn’t have to worry about fighting either of them when it comes to his championship. A very valid strategy if I must say so myself.

Winner:  Brock Lesnar

Triple Threat for the WWE Women’s Championship

Three out of four horsewoman ain’t so bad, is it? It’s actually quite lovely. Although there’s technically a senior horsewoman here, as Ric Flair will be accompanying Charlotte to the ring. We all know that technically, this is Ric’s match as he is the true baddest Diva in the game. However, Charlotte is happy to fight for him. The boss herself Sasha Banks has made it very clear that she’s going to get what she wants. As for Becky, does she have anything to lose? Nope, both of her friends have turned their backs on her. This one is for pride, and to prove the doubters wrong that she is in fact main-roster material.

Winner: Charlotte obtains the new WWE Women’s Championship

Spray Tan O’ Mac vs. The Undertaker

Hell in a Cell

Now if Spray Tan wins, he gets control of RAW and the dead man must retire. Would that be so bad though? It would be healthy for the Undertaker, and as we all know WWE cares very deeply about the health status of their performers. Then again….at what costs? Shane is undoubtedly going to fly a helicopter in and jump off of that onto the Undertaker… Quite frankly, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest to wear a poncho if you’re in the first few rows. That’s going to be a splash zone.

Winner: The Undertaker

André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal 

20 Humans in this Battle Royal

Goodness gracious. Okay, lots of humans here. Not quite as much as the royal rumble but enough to cause one to get a headache while watching it! Tonight’s special entrants: Diamond Dallas Page! Who knows, he might warrior pose his way to victory. We also have Tatanka, what a radical mongoose!

Extra Special Surprise Entrant: Shaquille O’Neal. He towers over everyone. Oh my.

Winner: Baron Corbin from NXT! Schweet

Obligatory segment for The Rock starts here!

Before taking two hours to get to the ring, he first sets a giant ‘Rock’ sign on fire. After the usual bit of hyping the crowd something spectacular happens, he announces Dallas broke the WWE attendance record. Yada yada, celebration stuff.

Bray Wyatt and his two remaining servants enter. Bray says some creepy stuff, Rock reminds him that he looks like a man that hits the bong, is the product of an incestuous relationship, and that Braun was breast fed since he was 26. A spontaneous match ensues where he defeats Rowan in six seconds.

John Cena enters next to help defend his bestie 4 lyfe, Rock. Talk about a surprise return! They beat up the swamp creatures and all is well with the universe.

Triple H vs. Roman Reigns

No DQ for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

I don’t know what happened between Fabio and Jason Mamoa for them to want to have a fight this brutal, but clearly their bad blood runs deep. So deep in fact that even Taylor Swift finds herself thinking ‘whoa, I could write a song about this’.

Winner: Roman Reigns is the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion

That was WrestleMania 32! Next up we wait for RAW. Before that we must all try to be able to fall asleep after that adrenaline inducing event.

Battleground: HOLY CRAP (7/19/15)

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Battleground! Time for the PPV that was…well….really not that hyped up at all. In the beginning everything seemed great but it just fell apart and went stale. All we can hope is that the matches and the outcomes can make up for the very “meh” lead up.

5 week buildup = not the best

But first….the kick off show.

Kick Off

King What’s Up vs. King Barrett

Yeah. R-Truth is calling himself King What’s Up. That is definitely a thing. Alright, well….I mean, I guess it’s not the worst King title to have. Uh, at least we have to look forward to Truth bouncing around like a weird bunny trying to twerk, and Barrett stealing Truth’s catch phrase.

Plus there was that beautiful commercial right in the middle. Wow, just…A+ everyone.

In the end, King Barrett wins! All hail the King, or if we’re playing a Halo match, hail to the King.

See what I did there? It’s a game reference.

Battleground

Sheamus vs. Randy Orton

Ah, revenge for the millionth time! Now, I believe this time it’s Randy that has a bone to pick, right? You know what, assuming that he gets passed Sheamus’ blinding entrance, I’m sure he’ll be just fine!

Sheamus was kicked directly in the left tit. I hope he’s not lactating.

Randy Orton took the win, even after his legs nearly snapped in half because of Sheamus’ submission hold.

New Day vs. Prime Time Players

Tag Team Championship

Good god almighty, this match starts off rather quickly between Darren and Kofi. The two go at it like a couple of snakes trying to wrap around each other. Actually, it only starts off that way after New Day preaches about winning and victory and all that crap for a good, long while.

I do love Titus’ face every time someone slaps him. It really screams “Bitch did you just–? OH hell no”, then of course he proceeds to slap the person around like a rag doll. Then we have Xavier calling out moves of his opponents with commentary such as “worst leg drop ever”! He’s so mouthy it’s hysterical.

According to Xavier, Big E has some serious tricep meat. Alright, that’s one way to refer to it!

With a powerful slam, Titus pins Big E for the win. Thus meaning the Prime Time Players retain their titles!

Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt

Oh dear, now this has to be intense. Roman has a lot of pent up rage for Bray that has to come out. The man cost him the briefcase at Money in the Bank, threatened his child, stalks him…he’s basically become a super obsessed fan girl in a dangerous way. Alright fine, dangerous is a light way to put it. I hope there’s a straight jacket available for after the match, regardless of who wins. That man needs to be put in a psych ward.

The way Bray sits in the ring is almost like he’s saying, “Come sit between my legs, so that I may braid your glorious mane.”

Roman slapped Bray so damn hard Bray rolled right out of the ring. Bray slapped him back, but it wasn’t quite as explosive. Hell, Roman threw him so hard into the barricade it moved. That’s pure rage….and strength, but there has to be rage somewhere in there to. When Bray took control of the match, he started to get very cheeky! Sticking his butt out, praising the sky (most likely a swamp god), and even doing some funky little shuffle around in the ring. Bray….just….whatever, carry on weirdo.

You know, one doesn’t realize how frightening it is for Bray to clap two chairs together until he does it and seems to enjoy it way too much.

SUDDENLY HARPER!

A ‘hooded man’ (definitely Luke Harper) attacked Roman Reigns at ringside. The added assistance led to Bray beating Roman.

Don’t you love it when families reconnect?

Charlotte vs. Sasha Banks vs. Brie Bella

Diva’s Triple Threat Match

I love that Nikki was going to fight but decided she couldn’t handle the boss and the woman who’s stylin’ and profilin’. So why not sacrifice your sister to two of the queens of NXT, right?

Sasha strung Brie and Charlotte up on the ropes and just stomped right through them–good god I’m in pain just watching that. Sasha takes charge rather early on and absolutely dominates the two women for quite some time, until Charlotte is able to show the universe just why she’s genetically superior.

Really though, that neck breaker she did to Sasha was beautiful.

Brie manages to hold her own against the two divas as well, running around like her husband, nailing both divas left and right. Her kicks of course would make any goat man proud, and hurt, very painfully. However, Brie Mode can only last so long.

Now what kind of big ol’ triple threat match up between three teams would this be if every single person did what they were supposed to do? Exactly, not one at all. Of course everyone gets involved, splashes, drop kicks–everyone somehow becomes a victim to some diva brutality and it’s wonderful.

Brie wisely taps out to the figure eight, leaving Charlotte victorious by submission!

Holy hell what a match!

Kevin Owens vs. John Cena

United States Championship

Aw, poor Kevin Owens returning to the ring once again–this time without his championship. Ouch what a bummer. I can’t imagine how that feels. All that talk and yet now he’s lost his belt….well, you tried.

Cena of course needs to keep everyone entertained with the new moves he’s been executing. Yes, that means Cena jumping off of the top rope which is rarely ever seen. However, the start of the match is nothing we haven’t seen before, as these two have gone toe to toe several times now.

You know what was awesome though? Kevin catching Cena in mid-air and countering with the pop up power bomb.

It’s pretty predictable, though. Yes, the two have great chemistry together and put on wonderful matches…but we know what’s going to happen. They’ll kick out of each other’s finishers, do the others moves to mock them…countless near-pins. We all know what’s coming!

Surprisingly, Owens taps out to Cena’s submission, leaving Super Cena to retain the title.

The Miz vs. The Microphone

I really, really want MIz’s grey sweater. Seriously if I wore that with a tank and leggings then I would be set! Honestly, I’d wear it better than he would.

Alright in all seriousness, Miz’s match is postponed and he’s just throwing a massive hissy fit. Ryback is too afraid to mess with him because Miz is apparently the toughest man in the WWE….ah yes, definitely. That’s absolutely the case.

In other news, Big Show walks to the ring, knocks Miz out, and promptly leaves. Knocked his pants halfway down his legs….that’s….Miz, what do you think a drawstring is for?

Seth Rollins vs. Brock Lesnar

WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Oh dear. The golden boy versus the beast that he has been poking and prodding at with a stick. This entire build up does not bode well for Seth, even if he is the future of the WWE. He has no back up either. No demon, no hobbits….but you know what? He’s a crafty little ninja, he’ll figure something out.

It actually takes awhile for Brock to begin his two moves of doom strategy. Seth does a fine job of running away like a bat out of hell, as well as holding on to ropes for dear life to keep Brock from flinging him around. Overall? I am in pain, and feel terrible watching this.

Seth grabbed his title and tried to flee, but Brock cleared the barricade like a god damn gazelle running from a cheetah. Naturally, he brought Seth back to the ring to receive his punishment–and he was way too happy about that.

On the bright side, Paul Heyman is at ringside keeping count. Hey, at least we know he knows how to count.

Surprisingly, Seth’s able to gain some leverage! All it took was one counter, and Brock was quickly taken down with a countless number of kicks. Hell, Seth kicked him out of the ring! Someone’s doing extremely well against the beast incarnate and actually living up to all that trash talk he did.

HOLY BALLS OF HELL IT’S THE UNDERTAKER

THE DEAD MAN HAS RISEN.

Brock Lesnar and Undertaker, staring each other down in the ring. Brock swore he had taken care of him but now…now he looks petrified. Taker easily countered Brock’s attempt at an F5..and well…

The Dead Man showed him who was the boss. A choke slam, a beautiful, nostalgic tombstone…this is blissful.

Honestly, the look on Heyman’s face, I’m surprised that man even stayed there to watch his client get destroyed.

Brock Lesnar has officially been evicted from Suplex City and relocated to Death Valley.

The build up to Battleground? Eventually, yes, it got stale. But the end result? Absolutely beautiful. In addition, Seth keeps the belt, Brock still looks like a beast, and he goes on to thoroughly regret ever breaking the streak!

SmackDown: All Dat Hype 3/26/15

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WrestleMania is so close yet feels just so far away! As a little teaser of what’s to come, SmackDown starts and launches right into a Fatal 4-Way Match!

Big E vs. Cesaro vs. Fernando vs. Jimmy Uso

We’ve got everyone in the punch bowl this evening and as one would expect, it’s a ridiculous free for all. People are flying left and right, jumping off of ropes or being sent out of the ring.

If you’re Big E however, you throw everyone at the same time.

It starts when Cesaro tries to suplex Fernando off of the ropes, Jimmy Uso then joins in and decides to lend a lovely helping hand. Big E did not want to feel left out of the party, so he grabbed everyone and suplexed them all at once.

In the end, Jimmy Uso wins by performing a lovely ‘splash’ off the top turn buckle and pinning Cesaro.

AXXESS Live:

  • Brock Lesnar staying with WWE
  • Shoutout to the audio team for leaving us in an awkward silence during the IC belt promo
  • Fatal 4-Way for tag team titles AND Battle Royal are during the pre-show

Promo:Divas Verbal Brawl

AJ Lee starts the showdown by first calling the Bella twins prissy, pampered mannequins whose asses she will kick. Then she invites Paige out who accuses AJ of simply not wanting Paige to hold the title therefore, obviously ruining the match previously on RAW. Just as these two are about to make up the Bella Twins enter, and really, everyone just wants to be like them.

Nikki Bella calls out AJ’s lack of appearances, even saying that Brock Lesnar worked more days than her and that if AJ held the title she’d never be around to defend it. Nikki claims that she was the one running the show while AJ was gone…and quite honestly? This is finally one of the rare times Nikki cuts a promo that’s actually good and goes beyond the high school attitude.

AJ’s retort is that they are D-List failed actresses that she and Paige do not want to be like. She also says that she and Paige are examples of real women and just…no sweetie, never go there, that’s a whole other storm that can arise from such a comment.

Nikki gears up for a fight, but Brie stops her. Instead as they’re backing up she leaves them with a charming “See you bitches at WrestleMania”. Now that’s how you do a diva’s feud, without the high school petty drama.

John Cena, Mark Henry, Daniel Bryan, Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins, Kane, Big Show, Bray Wyatt

Roman and Seth start the match off, and as ex-brothers do, they simply toy and taunt one another.

Wow, Seth has a horrible tendency to piss off people that he is considered to be brothers with. Someone should look into this pattern, it’s a little concerning.

For a good while, Roman dominates the match, his way of showing how ready he is for WrestleMania this Sunday. Eventually however he does tag in Mark Henry who is simply begging to get into the ring and unleash the sexual chocolate.

….Hm, that doesn’t sound good does it?

At some point while John and Seth are in the ring the crowd seems to be chanting ‘this is awful’. Most likely as a result of the way RAW went off the air since SmackDown was recorded immediately after with the same crowd.  As expected, the crowd is only happy when Daniel Bryan enters the ring to combat Seth.

In the end, after Roman goes ‘super samoan’ (Super-Samoan, can I copyright that?) while Daniel is the legal man, John and Mark lend some helping hands. This ultimately gives Daniel the chance to hit Big Show with the ‘running knee’ before pinning him for the win.

Well, now that two big matches have been moved to the pre-show, one has to wonder just what in the hell are they doing during WrestleMania to need four hours excluding those two matches? Really? Is Triple H going to have a short film for his entrance? Will Bray Wyatt have this elaborate way of floating in like a firefly?

Okay, Bray wouldn’t do that, but it would be quite the sight if he did.

One has to wonder just what they’re doing with this WrestleMania.

Raw: You Got STUNG 3/23/15

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The last RAW before WrestleMania! Which of course means that they need to step it up and pull out all the stops. What better way to do that then to have Sting start us off with the night? It was beautiful really, the man got quite the pop. The energy from the crowd was…dare I say this without the Rock giving me the elbow…electrifying?

Okay, enough of the dumb jokes.

Sting, after a bit of chatter, announces that the one reason he’s there is to take down Triple H, the back stabbing manipulative punk. Now, no one can ever insult Hunter without someone coming to his defense, which leads to Stephanie McMahon entering.

There’s wonderful back and forth between the two of them. She starts with “Now you know what it feels like to make it to the big time” which…um…ow Steph. Damn.

Sting calls her the spoiled brat who believed she earned everything that was actually handed to her. Stephanie retorts with saying that Sting was loyal like a dog to WCW…which means he’s stupid.

Um, Stephanie, dogs aren’t stupid.

She further goes to insult him by thoroughly expressing her disdain for his paint job and calling him a “face-painted freak”. Well, at least she remained somewhat dignified by not calling him a painted whore.

When Sting’s retort is just to ‘whoo’ and wink at her, Stephanie is absolutely appalled. She tries to deliver a cheap shot and slap him across the face but she is caught by surprise when he catches her wrist.

No one stops Stephanie McMahon from slapping a bitch!

The moment Sting catches her wrist, Triple H enters and he is ready to tear this man limb from limb for touching his wife. Stephanie plays up her injury to coax Hunter into fighting with Sting. Once he’s up on the apron the maniacal princess gives him the sledge hammer, and Sting produces his bat from the coat. Sting is taunting him and practically begging Hunter to get in the ring with him while the crowd is eating it all up.

Ultimately, Stephanie coaxes Hunter out of it, telling him to “save it for WrestleMania.”

Oh yes, do save it for WrestleMania, this is going to be a glorious match.

Dean Ambrose, R-Truth vs. Stardust, Luke Harper

Bad News Barrett is on commentary for this evening, a nice change up from R-Truth, no matter how comedic he is.

As soon as the match starts the crowd chants ‘Cody’ which makes Stardust go a little bonkers. To save his partner, Luke Harper covers his ears like an over protective mother to shield him from the chants.

Dean and Truth work well together for this match, as they throw their competitors around both inside and outside the ring. Ultimately R-Truth pins Luke Harper for the win.

After they win, BNB flees with his title so no one beats him up and takes it away again.To celebrate, R-Truth dances in the ring before urging Dean to do so after Dean says he could do that too. Dean dances (or twitches) in the ring, mimicking Truth’s moves.

So…these two seem to have a special friendship, which considering Dean’s track record with people, well, kudos on that..I guess?

Special Olympics Presentation with Renee Young. WWE announces their partnership for the 2015 Special Olympics World Games and urges you to show support!

Promo: ‘Get Hard’ Interview Snippet.

‘Get Hard’ is a movie starring Kevin Hartt and Will Ferrell, you perverts.

The interview is conducted none other than Miz with Mizdow sitting in a child’s chair beside him.

Miz asks about stunt doubles, because the attention must always be focused on him and his own issues. When Will and Kevin seem to support stunt doubles and in fact tell Mizdow that he has a hollywood look (and integrity), Miz gets upset. He tries to send Mizdow away to get water, but instead Will gets up to fetch the water like the perfect gentleman.

Basically, go find the interview on the WWE website and watch it.

Miz, Mizdow, Adam Rose, The Ascension vs. Prime Time Players, Ryback, Erick Rowan, Zack Ryder

Bill Simmons on commentary and being incredibly sassy with JBL.

Right as the match begins the crowd wants Mizdow, obviously favoring the the personal assistant–and oh my god is that Zack Ryder?! The Ascension is there too! We haven’t seen them for awhile now have we?

When Zack gets in the ring he actually gets quite the pop, even his signature ‘woo woo woo’ chant is done by the crowd.  The Ascension are out and of course they are particularly brutal, but don’t get disqualified.

Mizdow gets to wrestle for a little while until The Miz orders him to tag him in, even counting down until he does so.

This was probably a mistake, as he along with his entire team are manhandled by Ryback before getting hit with ‘shell shock’ and getting pinned for the win.

Ryback seems to be a favorite for the Andre Battle Royal, which can be inferred by him obliterating everyone tonight.

Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins and J&J Security

(This was voted in by the WWE Universe, well done!)

Randy Orton is foaming at the mouth to get to Seth Rollins, who seems all too happy to be out there. Naturally any time Seth is happy one should always be suspicious.

It’s evident he has no intent on being in the match. Joey goes out first and is brutally slammed into the mat until Orton throws him back and orders him to tag Seth in. Instead, Joey tags in Jamie who has his ankle stomped in with brute force as Seth trash talks the entire time.

As Randy gets into ‘hunting pose’, Seth slips in and tries to take a cheap shot by curb stomping him while he’s down. He misses, but slips away before Randy can get to him.

In the end, Randy hits Jamie with the ‘RKO’ and Seth slips away.

Promo:AJ Lee and Paige

AJ is incredibly suspicious as to why Nikki would let them choose amongst themselves who would face her for the Diva’s title. She feels as though it’s a trap to divide the two of them. Paige agrees, but also says that AJ would be crazy to turn down a championship match.

She did it.

Paige done goofed.

She used the ‘c’ word with AJ…and AJ does not look happy in the slightest with her frenemy’s choice word.

Well, this could be incredibly horrible.

Paige vs. Nikki Bella

Diva’s Championship Title Match

Nikki, the ever so charming Bella that she is, is not happy with the beating she took from Paige while her sister was forced to watch. So to get even, she mocks Paige by doing push ups beside the woman that’s down in pain.

There are countless near falls, but ultimately the match comes to an end due to a mistake.

When Paige and Nikki roll out of the ring, AJ goes and attacks Brie to keep her from interfering. Paige walked over to AJ to keep her from interfering from behind her, causing AJ to throw her elbow back and knock paige out.

Instead of calling the match right there, the ref who was clearly WATCHING this happen didn’t say anything. It should have been an automatic disqualification becase AJ hit a competitor and Nikki still would have retained the title.

But the referee for some odd reason did not call it. Instead he let it go and allowed Nikki to drag Paige into the ring and hit her with ‘rack attack’ before pinning her for the win and to retaining the title.

This leads to a brawl in the ring between Paige and AJ, the soon to be tag team partners at WM.

Obviously they’ll work rather well together.

In Ring Promo: #SnoopMania vs. #AxelMania

Just as Snoop Dogg is hyping up this years WM, Curtis Axel enters looking as orange as ever. He mocks snoopmania and proceeds to sing ‘bow wow wow yippie yo yippie yay’ like a true rapper extraordinaire, clearly upstaging the poser he’s in the ring with.

Snoop Dogg then says that he’s missing the most important ‘mania’ of them all…

Enter Hulk Hogan!

What a pop the legend got too, this was kept quite the secret. Axel is shocked to see him, but he doesn’t back down. Hulk looks him over and then begins the verbal bitch slap.

“Well let me tell you something brother…” Then goes on to ask Snoop, who would know better than himself, what the hell Axel is smoking to think he compares to either one of them.

Axel rips his shirt off and mocks Hulk saying the iconic ‘whatcha gonna do’. Now of course this leads to him getting punched and knocked to the ground. Hulk then sacrifices Axel to Snoop Dogg, who picks him up and hurls him out the ring.

The two celebrate, Snoop ripping his shirt off and revealing a Hulk Hogan shirt. The two pose together inside the ring, and Snoop Dogg looks like a child at Disney World having the time of his life alongside this legend.

Tyson Kidd, Cesaro, Natalya vs. Los Matadores, El Torito

The Usos and Naomi are with commentary tonight. In regards to Jey’s shoulder injury he assures the universe that the Usos are always ready and they’ll be at WM

When Natalya and Torito are in the match, Tyson automatically tags himself in to keep the little bull away from his wife.

However that can only work for so long. After bodies have flown around in every direction and everyone was kicked in the head, Cesaro finally tags Natalya back in.

Natalya goes for the power bomb after Torito kicks out of her pin. Torito counters and manages to pin her for the win.

…Los Matadores won because Torito pinned Natalya for the win. Natalya was pinned by a bull.

Moving on!

Promo:Bad News Barrett and Kane

Kane walks into the locker room just as BNB is having an all too tender and loving moment with his belt. He mocks the man for finally having the title in possession before informing him that he needs to take the title to hang it up in anticipation for WM.

After the title is taken away from him, BNB is left as a pouting child all alone saying: “It’s my bloody title”.

Well, you probably could have had more time alone with your title if you actually knew how to hold onto it.

Rusev vs. Jack Swagger

Of course as soon as the match starts the “We Want Lana” chants begin, they miss his estranged girlfriend.

Rusev wins by submission, getting Jack to tap out to the ‘accolade’ fairly quickly.

This is believed to have been intentional. He won’t let go and doesn’t do so until John Cena runs out, so he did this to lure out the walking billboard. Rusev and John Cena brawl, but Rusev dominates it.

He injures Cena’s back before throwing him around like a little rag doll. He gets Cena onto the announcer’s table and puts him into the ‘accolade’ getting him to pass out on the table before being pried off by several referees.

In Ring Promo: Bray Wyatt

Bray Wyatt calls out the Under Taker. He calls the legend a liar because he hides the fact that he wants his soul set free. Bray promises that the spirits he commands will take Taker’s soul to the other side.

Oh, and that he commands both the light and the dark, all while the mysticism of the Under Taker begins with the presence of what seems to be a powerful thunder storm.

Bray promises that he will take his place among the gods as the new face of fear, ending it all with “At WrestleMania Undertaker you can finally rest in peace.”

Then he does the Under Taker’s pose….and really, he’s just poking the big dog with a sharp stick.

Congratulations to the newest, and final Hall of Fame inductee Kevin Nash aka Diesel!

Promo: Have it Your Way!

Seriously, Burger King’s Chicken Fries are back, and we learn this all thanks to Natalya and Tyson. While Natalya is behind a divider doing her make up, Tyson expresses his immense love for the returning chicken fries. Natalya of course thinks it’s towards her, so when she finally moves and sees he’s only talking about chicken fries…she’s a little upset.

Until she tries one, and it’s just so damn good, even better for her than it was for him, that she just needs a moment alone.

Now that’s love.

Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler

Special Guest referee: Dean Ambrose

Dean Ambrose is perhaps the most laid back but thoroughly entertained referee. A slap fight ensues between Dolph and Daniel, and he is giddy and laughing the entire time. When the fight goes outside the ring, he watches and waits until the last possible second to order them back into the ring.

This is of course after they’ve gone through the time keeper’s area and can barely move.

As per usual the two put on an athletic match that involved being thrown around everywhere and being super kicked into every possible corner. In the end, Dolph wins by hitting Daniel with ‘zig zag’ before pinning him for the win.

Dean helps Dolph up, only to get elbowed by him. In retaliation Dean hits him with ‘dirty deeds’ before bringing out the ladders. Just as he is about to reach the top, BNB enters the ring and rips him off.

This starts a brawl between every future competitor in the ladder match this weekend. The brawl ends with everyone, including the ladder, laid out in the ring.

Promo:Paul Heyman beckons his beast.

Seriously, he just went to make sure the champ was ready to go meet his opponent.

Main Event: Brock Lesnar meets Roman Reigns

Now Brock only meets Roman after Paul Heyman has thoroughly hyped up WrestleMaina to the best of his ability for the final time. He even confirms that he has built up this fight so much and if he hasn’t already convinced you then there’s nothing else he could do to convince you.

Except for cutting another epic, intense, energy spewing promo that will make the non-believers fully believe.

Hell, he tells us that the fight is well worth the mere charge of 9.99 one would pay for the WWE Network where one can view WM as well as endless hours of other content.

Towards the end of his amazing promo, Paul goes a little too far which has even Brock looking at him like he’s insane. He proclaims that Roman Reigns would go into Brock’s house, take his wife, take the food off his children’s plates and rename them ‘Reigns’ and take over everything Brock has….then later alludes to Brock doing the same thing because that’s how badly he will own Roman.

Well, it sounds like these men are just a bunch of kidnappers quite honestly.

Paul ends his speech with ‘You can’t and therefore you won’t”. It’s the perfect cue for Roman Reigns to enter.

When Roman is in the ring with the beast the two circle each other like predators. Tension builds as Brock holds the belt up high, only for Roman to snatch it out of his hands.

Now one would think a brawl would ensue. One would assume Brock would ‘f5’ Roman after getting speared by him. One would think suplexes and superman punches would be thrown around like dollar bills at a strip club but that doesn’t happen.

Instead they play tug of war with the belt like an Eggo Waffle commercial.

This was actually an enjoyable final RAW before WrestleMania. It’s supposed to be that way. It’s the last chance to build up all the feuds and potential matches before it’s time to hit the main stage. They managed to hit the mark for most matches. They had Paul Heyman building up this intense fight between two monsters, two killers.

Now picture this. The massive, hulking beast known as Brock Lesnar at the top of the mountain. He rips apart anyone who scales the mountain and tries to take his prize. Roman Reigns is the sole man to make it up the mountain, but what do they do instead of fight?

They lightly tap each other on the arm and both roll down the side of the mountain like pathetic rollie pollies.

It’s just incredibly peculiar that for such a strong build up, there was a pathetic send off before WrestleMania. They were spoon-fed greatness from Paul Heyman but then they proceeded to vomit everything back up.

It’s just so odd to end RAW that way, especially between two men who are out for blood.