Seeing Monday Night Raw: LIVE! (3/20/17)

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Yes that’s right, I in fact saw Monday Night Raw, live, at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York on March 20, 2017.

So let’s get down to it: what was it like?

First of all: it’s kind of amazing. When you finally get through security and spend twenty to thirty minutes looking for your seat because every single usher tells you to go to the next staircase: you finally land in your section. I myself had floor seats, section f5. Just about ten or eleven rows back from the barricade, a little before the WrestleMania sign.

The seats were okay. To be frank it was hard to see any of the action over anyone’s heads. To top it all off, the screen showing the fight was blocked by the lights and was basically far too vertical to watch comfortably. In addition to that people decided they were going to stand on their stupid chairs to get the perfect picture. Yes, thank you assholes who needed to do that; because everyone behind you is clearly seven feet tall and can see over you.

And you can’t teach that. Sorry. Moving on!

It felt like a mediocre episode of RAW. I anticipated crazy twists and turns because it’s two weeks to WrestleMania but I didn’t get any of that. I was also hoping I’d see Seth Rollins (even though people swore he was in the crowd at one point before retreating). However, I got to see my queen Stephanie McMahon live; as well as Triple H, Mick Foley, The Undertaker, and Chris Jericho. The Undertaker’s great, but there’s just something about seeing Chris Jericho live that really feels magical and makes me think “holy shit, am I really here”?

By the way, I mostly went because I really, really wanted to see Cesaro (he’s my favorite wrestler if you somehow haven’t gotten that) and his match ended far too quick for my liking. So…very disappointed.

Let’s talk about the chants.

Yes, there was a scandal recently, and of course Brooklyn had to start their charm. Before the show even began they shouted “We want Paige!” to the tune of “New Day Rocks”. Every single time she or Xavier Woods was on the screen they screamed. They also requested the presence of Brad Maddox, and typically CM Punk. Which still, to this day, is extremely pathetic and makes no sense.

CM Punk is not coming back, and if he is it’s going to be a Bret Hart situation twenty or so years from now where it’s just for a paycheck. Then he’ll probably critique a really great young talent horribly.

Then the sections began to fight. Above me the sides were chanting “That side sucks” at each other. My section retorted with “We got floor seats!”, which prompted them to say “floor seats suck!” in return.

It was super juvenile. During a match no less. Great, but yeah, go women’s wrestling right?

Also the children are probably the worst little smarks I’ve ever seen. Yes, I frequently come in contact with smarks that make me sigh heavily and ever regret joining social media platforms and dabbling into the wrestling fandom but I digress. The child behind me was saying just about every single match sucked, said Roman Reigns couldn’t wrestle (really kid?), and other shitty things I typically see adults say on twitter like Nia being fat or Alicia Fox having a busted face. Way to go, preteen. Already an asshole.

Oh, and on an unrelated note: A Bayley fan sat in front of me. Adorable little girl, really sobbed to hell when Bayley lost.

I laughed, I know it’s cruel but….yeah I cackled.

Something I thought was VERY interesting was the reception to Roman. It was very John Cena like, half the arena loved him, half hated him. At some points, the crowd unanimously booed. However, when Roman geared up for that spear and went for his classic “ooaahhh”, every single person belted it out with him in unison; something I frequently confused with boos while watching at home.

So you can’t ever say that Roman doesn’t connect with the fans.

I also didn’t have an experience with persistent males trying to strike up a conversation with me or ask for my number, unlike the last time I went to a WWE show. I’m not sure if it was because I went with a male, or because my exhausted face screamed “look at me and I will ruin your life”; but it was great.

The show was okay, the atmosphere felt like the stupid part of Twitter coming to life…but, it was nice. I just really need to see SmackDown live or stick to house shows.

 

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Mother Abandons Her Son: The Seth Rollins Story

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Seth Rollins is commonly known as the man, yet to the Authority he was known as the Golden Boy. He was the one that would lead them to greatness, as WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Seth was a force to be reckoned with. As a matter of fact, Seth was a petulant child, and a spoiled rotten brat who had it all.

Seth had the pride of his father. Sure, Triple H didn’t publicly voice how proud he was of Seth all the time. He didn’t make a big show of things whenever he had the chance, and he certainly didn’t try to show how proud he was through constant hugs or praises. Triple H was typically the stereotypical father figure, a man who oozed stoic, silent pride for their son. Where Seth really had the connection was with his mother, the queen herself, Stephanie McMahon.

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Stephanie often sang Seth’s praises, and they always seemed to have the closest bond. Even during the brand split, she was his first pick—not once showing a hint of leaving her child on a church doorstep in favor of someone better. 

We all expected this turn to happen. Triple H always chose a new son to claim as his own, from Randy Orton, to Seth Rollins, now down to Kevin Owens. What few expected, and many (including Seth) were dreading, was the mother’s abandonment of her child. Stephanie gave up on Seth, something he never expected in all his time in being with The Authority.

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He was clearly reeling with this loss. He noted that he was the best she ever had. Whether that’s his ego speaking or the cold hard truth the fact of the matter is this: he’s upset. Seth Rollins had it all, and lost it faster than he could blink.

Now all Seth can experience is the feeling of being alone. He abandoned his former brothers, his adoptive brother Randy turned on him as well. The hobbits of J&J Security, Uncle Kane, weird ,creepy not-actually-his-uncle-but-kind-of-his-uncle Big Show—everyone abandoned him. Seth had to deal with the feeling of being completely and utterly alone.

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He has to face the world by himself, but can he do it?! He’s had someone to fall back on his entire career. Seth’s always been in a group, somehow, somewhere, someone always had his back. He has to prove himself worthy of being called “The Man” and being able to do everything on his own—even if he doesn’t necessarily have to. There’s always an option for help, and sometimes you find friends where you least expect it.

For example, Seth could possibly have the help of good ol’ Uncle Mick. Sure, they got off to a rocky start. Seth clearly has an awful attitude problem and has never had disciplinary action taken against him.  Regardless of that, if Mick can get through Seth, get through the feelings of the child that’s been abandoned and lost people close to him so many times before:then there can be hope for him. Alone in the world, it’s up to Seth Rollins to mend his life, build new bridges, and give his parents the ultimate middle finger.

WrestleMania 32: Highlights (4/3/16)

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Finally, WrestleMania is upon us! Already the bar has been set tremendously high from NXT Takeover: Dallas. Can the main roster follow their stellar performance? What oldies but goodies will we see return? Finally, what in the blue hell will the Rock be doing tonight?

Main Card

Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz vs. Stardust vs. Sin Cara vs. Zack Ryder

Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Championship

Geez look how many people are listed for this fight. It’s exhausting just looking at it! Let’s see. We have ladders, contenders we haven’t seen in quite sometime, and the murder bear known as Kevin Owens. Can we say–brutal fight of the century? Almost! There’s several contenders on this card worthy of that title. Yet none of them have a murder bear, which really, every match needs one.

Winner: Zack Ryder–so well deserved. About time.

AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho

AJ Styles, the new hotness, the anticipated phenomenal one will be going against Chris Jericho. The man with the daddy kink. The ayatollah of rock and rollah. The really, really arrogant bastard that throws little fits when he loses or taunts someone and quite frankly–does it all incredibly well.

Winner: Chris Jericho, to everyone’s surprise.

The New Day vs. The League of Nations

The Unicorns against the extremely watered down United Nations. One team will eat cereal, dance, and play music all at once to showcase just how talented they are. The other will hug each other, refer to each other as friends, and even make a mention of going out together to get bevs and some cheeky Nandos. Who will prevail here? The men that start their day right with a great helping of booty, or the men that rely on each other for support and value their friendship more than anything else?

Winners: League of Nations wins.

But wait there’s more!

Enter Shawn Michaels, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Cactus Jack; in their gear and ready to destroy a couple of lads. The legends hit these lads with the mandible claw, sweet chin music, and a stone cold stunner. I no longer care what happens for the rest of the night. I am at bliss.

Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar

No Holds Barred Street Fight

That’s concerning. A no holds barred street fight. With these two psychopaths? Does WWE even want these two to survive after the match is over? Perhaps they want these two men to kill each other, that way Triple H doesn’t have to worry about fighting either of them when it comes to his championship. A very valid strategy if I must say so myself.

Winner:  Brock Lesnar

Triple Threat for the WWE Women’s Championship

Three out of four horsewoman ain’t so bad, is it? It’s actually quite lovely. Although there’s technically a senior horsewoman here, as Ric Flair will be accompanying Charlotte to the ring. We all know that technically, this is Ric’s match as he is the true baddest Diva in the game. However, Charlotte is happy to fight for him. The boss herself Sasha Banks has made it very clear that she’s going to get what she wants. As for Becky, does she have anything to lose? Nope, both of her friends have turned their backs on her. This one is for pride, and to prove the doubters wrong that she is in fact main-roster material.

Winner: Charlotte obtains the new WWE Women’s Championship

Spray Tan O’ Mac vs. The Undertaker

Hell in a Cell

Now if Spray Tan wins, he gets control of RAW and the dead man must retire. Would that be so bad though? It would be healthy for the Undertaker, and as we all know WWE cares very deeply about the health status of their performers. Then again….at what costs? Shane is undoubtedly going to fly a helicopter in and jump off of that onto the Undertaker… Quite frankly, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest to wear a poncho if you’re in the first few rows. That’s going to be a splash zone.

Winner: The Undertaker

André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal 

20 Humans in this Battle Royal

Goodness gracious. Okay, lots of humans here. Not quite as much as the royal rumble but enough to cause one to get a headache while watching it! Tonight’s special entrants: Diamond Dallas Page! Who knows, he might warrior pose his way to victory. We also have Tatanka, what a radical mongoose!

Extra Special Surprise Entrant: Shaquille O’Neal. He towers over everyone. Oh my.

Winner: Baron Corbin from NXT! Schweet

Obligatory segment for The Rock starts here!

Before taking two hours to get to the ring, he first sets a giant ‘Rock’ sign on fire. After the usual bit of hyping the crowd something spectacular happens, he announces Dallas broke the WWE attendance record. Yada yada, celebration stuff.

Bray Wyatt and his two remaining servants enter. Bray says some creepy stuff, Rock reminds him that he looks like a man that hits the bong, is the product of an incestuous relationship, and that Braun was breast fed since he was 26. A spontaneous match ensues where he defeats Rowan in six seconds.

John Cena enters next to help defend his bestie 4 lyfe, Rock. Talk about a surprise return! They beat up the swamp creatures and all is well with the universe.

Triple H vs. Roman Reigns

No DQ for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

I don’t know what happened between Fabio and Jason Mamoa for them to want to have a fight this brutal, but clearly their bad blood runs deep. So deep in fact that even Taylor Swift finds herself thinking ‘whoa, I could write a song about this’.

Winner: Roman Reigns is the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion

That was WrestleMania 32! Next up we wait for RAW. Before that we must all try to be able to fall asleep after that adrenaline inducing event.

Royal Rumble 2016: Highlights

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Ah the Royal Rumble. An event where even though it’s usually a one-versus-all type scenario, has been explicitly stated to be one-versus-all this time around. Why? Well simply put: because Roman Reigns will be defending his WWE World Heavyweight Championship against 29 other contenders. Some say nay, the thought of booing Roman out of yet another rumble making their special parts tingle with glee. Others cheer the thought of Roman showcasing having such a hard time in order to prove to others why he’s the one holding that belt, finding themselves in love with such an uphill battle. And for some? Well, some just want to watch the world burn. Or see who gets eliminated in under a second this time around.

Kickoff

Mark Henry, Jack Swagger vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. Damien Sandow, Darren Young vs. The Ascension

Fatal 4-Way Tag Team Match

Winning team qualifies for the Royal Rumble, how sweet.

I know what you’re thinking. Golly gee this is an odd match up. There’s one actual tag team, another tag team that’s been made a mockery of, and two groups of mis-matched confusion. Yes, yes I concur with all of your thoughts. That my dear readers is what happens when you have nothing planned for any of them. So who will win? The seasoned tag team veterans? Henry and Swagger who….I mean…they’re big guys! Or will it be Young and Sandow? Perhaps it might be The Ascension, a team whom I completely forgot were in the match up, my apologies.

Winner: Mark Henry and Jack Swagger

Royal Rumble

Dean Ambrose vs. Kevin Owens

Last Man Standing Match for the Intercontinental Championship

Quite frankly this match is a little bit concerning. You have Kevin Owens, the petulant child who will stop at nothing to get his title back. He’s brutal, and doesn’t give a damn what he does to his opponent. Then there’s our champion Dean Ambrose. This man has an outstanding lack of self-preservation skills that certainly warrant a few special psychotherapy visits. Someone’s going to be left in shambles tonight, and how they’ll make it into the rumble at all is beyond me.

Winner: Dean Ambrose retains the title!

The Usos vs. The New Day

Tag Team Championship Match

You know, I’m not quite sure how New Day can carry on tonight. They’re suffering a great loss considering the brutal murder of Francesca by Chris Jericho. Perhaps they’ll debut her twin brother Francisco… but still! This is a very hard time for them and the Usos should be considerate of their loss! Well, the Usos who somehow got the Slammy award for Tag Team of the year are going to fight for those titles and perhaps actually be tag team champions. Will the Unicorn Squad take this one for Francesca? Or will the Usos take advantage of the pain of loss?

Just kidding, they’ve got Francesca 2!

Winner: The New Day retain their titles!

Alberto Del Rio vs. Kalisto

For the United States Championship

This is absolute a David vs Goliath and his misfit friends story. Kalisto makes you want to root for him. He’s the total underdog here, the little engine that could! He wins the title and then what happens? On SmackDown he loses his title because Del Rio cheated, letting him take that title right back. Vengeance must be had! Yet can Kalisto overcome the bully?

Winner: Kalisto gets his title back! 

Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte

Diva’s Championship Match

This is going to be a match to tug at the heartstrings. Charlotte and Becky were best friends! They came up to the main roster together! They were in the not-really-a-revolution Diva’s revolution! Yet now Charlotte has turned her back on Charlotte, becoming more and more like her treacherous father. Becky’s been hurt, backstabbed by those she called family. Now it’s her time to enact sweet, sweet revenge.

Winner: Charlotte retains the title!

SURPRISE: Sasha Banks, the Boss makes her way to the ring after Charlotte’s win. Once the rings are properly disposed off, down goes Becky and later, Charlotte too finds her demise.

30 Man Royal Rumble

For the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Oh dear. Well, like I said before. The one-versus-all match is really one-versus-all. It was reinforced, so now it’s really important and driving the point home. So what twists and turns and surprise entrants lie ahead?

Here’s the fellows that matter!

1) Roman Reigns

I’m sure Roman is so thankful to be in the number one spot.

2)Rusev

Pft, this will be easy.

3) Aj Styles

Introducing the phenomenal one….oh boy, this crowd will not have Roman winning after that. He’s so calm and collected he’s just walking down there. No stress at all.

6) Chris Jericho

Because he’s a damn legend. Damn it.

7) Kane

Because he’s also a legend, and I love him.

8) Goldust

He’s the bizarre one, how can I not?

12) R-Truth

Why is this special? Because he put a damn ladder in the middle of the ring and reached up for the championship. Who told him this was a ladder match?! 

Big E catches Kofi from being eliminated and has his unicorn brother sit on his shoulders to save him. Wow. Amazing, at least this gives him time to have a drink with the fans. Cola is so refreshing.

Vince McMahon has the League of Nations come out to pull Roman to the apron and brutalize him. Well that’s not nice, also fairly certain that’s cheating. Though it is sweet revenge for Rusev.

18) Kevin Owens

I feel like I need to give him credit for limping to the ring and going after Aj Styles right off the bat and eliminating him.

19) Dean Ambrose

At least he had an easier time walking to the ring.

20) Sami Zayn

Kevin Owens is NOT having a good night. Plus he gets eliminated by Sami? Oh dear.

22) Mark Henry

You earned it man who may retire soon. You earned it.

23) Brock Lesnar

…Eh. We all know the entire stadium wants him to win just so Roman doesn’t.

25) The Miz

Why is this notable? Because he went to hang out with the announcers in Mizney World. It’s a valid strategy, it keeps him alive longer!

26) Bray Wyatt

Bray very wisely had his minions stay around the ring, so that when he entered they could hold Brock for him. Such a good strategy! Especially since it actually worked to eliminate Brock. Huh, I’m shocked.

Reigns rejoins the rumble in the middle of Sheamus’ entrance.

30) Triple H

This pleases me greatly. Time for some sweet revenge. Me thinks Triple H did not like getting beaten senseless in front of his wife. These two are livid, having a showdown with one another where each is attacked and yet they dispose of them quickly with their finishers. 

Triple H eliminates Roman Reigns, leaving him alone with Dean Ambrose

Winner: Triple H wins the Royal Rumble and is the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion

Well, I’m sure Vince is pleased his son-in-law is the new winner! Stephanie sure is over the moon elated. Alas, I don’t think Roman is pleased. Plus Dean was so close to winning….RAW is going to be interesting for sure.

TRIPLE H & VINCE MCMAHON REALLY LOVE ROMAN REIGNS

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Surely over time Triple H has become a bit more similar to his father-in-law, Vince McMahon. However no one expected them to have similar taste in bed. Surely no one expected them to love Roman Reigns as much as they do. Finally, no one expected them to have such awful ways of wooing him.

Originally posted to Smark N Mark. To read the full article, please click here.

RAW: GET THE TABLES (8/24/15 Highlights)

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Once again, it’s time for the post-PPV RAW. Tantrums will be thrown, statues will hopefully be erected, and….more tantrums will be thrown, obviously.

Then there’s something going on with the InterContinental title…eh.

Highlights

Of course it starts with Seth’s dad, Triple H praising his performance, plus he’s going to unveil Seth’s new statue!

Oh please, we all know what will happen. Triple H will turn on Seth, and his reason will be that he explicitly told Seth to wear black and blue, not white and gold.

Then of course Brock and Paul have to be first to set foot into the ring…

…and bitch and moan about their loss at SummerSlam. Although, Paul is very hip on the language of the youth. Took me a moment to realize what GFY meant.

Bo Dallas comes out and very eloquently refers to Brock as “Mr.Brock”.

Then he was sacrificed to Suplex City over and over and over and over and over and over again.. The man is lucky his diaper didn’t turn brown.

The New Day making their way to the ring with an amazing new cover!

Xavier Woods plays the trumpet for their lovely cover of “New York, New York”. Their new lyrics are amazing, their new suits are “on fleek” it was wonderful.

Then Xavier plays “Taps”. This team is glorious.

But it gets better!

The Dudley Boyz make a return!

Welcome to Dudleyville, New Day!! How were those tables? Were they comfortable? It was great to watch. I’m so happy. I don’t care what happens for the rest of the night.

Bray got a new Big Monster man that tried to kill Dean and Roman.

Seriously though man, who are you? Also, please get new pants, because they’re weird as hell.

Charlotte shutting the Miz down.

Yeah, you did not surpass his legacy, Miz. Nice try though. Very lucky Charlotte didn’t kill you.

Becky’s absolutely adorable.

Challenging Foxy to throw soda on her….ha, shoutout to Total Divas, right?

Jon Stewart he admits he couldn’t stand the thought of Cena tying Flair’s streak.

I think Jon died inside.

John Cena hit Stewart with the AA.

Now he’s dead on the inside and on the outside.

Sting is Seth’s statue.

Well he’s not actually the statue, but he was there instead of the statue. That’s practically the same thing.

RAW was action packed and beautiful. Mostly because the Dudleys returned. I’m still very excited about that. Plus they’ll be back on SmackDown! What a time to be alive.

RAW: The Road to SummerSlam (8/17/15 Highlights)

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Welcome to Monday night RAW! The show where everything’s live, and if you screw that up the Universe will talk about it for for an entire week! This however is a very special edition of RAW; meant to entice you to watch SummerSlam this Sunday only on the WWE Network!

Man, I should have gotten a job in advertising.

Highlights

The awkward Demi Lovato music + SummerSlam promo pictures.

All while The Authority is trying to hype up and explain the event. Could it be anymore awkward to watch/listen to? You’d think not, what with that song playing on repeat in the background at such a frequency it makes you want to tear your own ears out and eat them for good measure.

Stephanie announces Jon Stewart will be hosting SummerSlam.

Oh praise the gods of comedy.

Cesaro feeding Sheamus to Orton.

Hey, they each have their opponents. It’s quite nice of Cesaro to let Randy have the first go at Sheamus. Hopefully Randy can respect the hawk.

Kevin Owens put his fists up just like the Cowardly Lion.

Put ’em up! Put ’em up!!!

Seth wants a statue of himself among the legends at WWE  HQ.

Oh Seth. A statue in your own likeness if you beat John Cena and hold both championships. Oh dear. Well, someone’s a smug little rat, isn’t he?

JBL hurt Dean’s feelings.

So much so that Dean moved and sat next to Saxton. That poor, delicate, junkyard dog.

Saxton doing commentary on his knees.

….Mmkay then.

TAMINA HAS A MATCH.

FINALLY!

Rusev stumbling like a drunken monkey after Dolph makes a very physical return.

That’s fantastic. Plus he used Summer as a human shield! Rusev is really the ideal standard to live up to as a human being.

Seth calls Daniel Bryan a cripple and John Cena finally comes out to talk…

Ya see that Seth? You don’t insult his wife-to-never-be’s sister’s husband. Not unless you want the champ and his newly refurbished nose to appear.

Stardust and King Barrett the Cosmic King are the Lords of Darkness.

Stardust just seems absolutely pickled to be referred to as such. How precious! Barrett just looks like he’s auditioning for Zoolander 2.

Sasha Banks made Nikki tap out.

Well hot damn. Look out Submission Sorority PCB, there’s a boss around who can make the champ tap too.

However, people were too busy chanting “we want Lesnar” to notice this lovely match.

Brock Lesnar’s homecoming includes streamers and confetti.

‘Cause that’s just the type of man he is. The beast loves to be showered with paper cuts in his hometown.

In addition to confetti. Paul Heyman serenades him.

Taker, if you will, please resolve this deafening issue. Thank you. Right in the testicles, as it should be.

Now if you’ve decided to skip all the way to the end just to see my witty and or possibly corny endings, here’s an overall summary of the night:

Every match from previous RAW/SmackDown episodes since Battleground has been repeated and exhausted beyond belief in the form of various match ups. However, we still have SmackDown to endure this Thursday, which will be putting half of the matches for SummerSlam out on display. Again. For the umpteenth time.

Solid work.