The Raw Bits: (Highlights 11/14/16)

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Right off the bat RAW started out by giving me extreme secondhand embarrassment. The moment Mick started dancing and partaking in his best imitation of Enzo Amore, I just…I felt like an embarrassed grandkid. Kudos to you Mick ,but um, I’ll be here hiding in mild embarrassment. Then it got worse when Stephanie McMahon unveiled her soccer mom inner self….gosh. Too much to handle.

Damn it, wrestling is so stupid and ridiculous, I love it so much.

Roman’s a great partner.

Sure, Kevin Owens wouldn’t help during the match; and yeah, he tagged himself in just as Roman was finally about to execute his finisher and take the win for them. However, even though Kevin was the legal man Roman did the right thing. He knocked out their opponent and dragged Kevin’s body on top of Sheamus in order to secure the win. Honestly, that’s a great, and considerate teammate being so selfless and supportive.

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The New Day is ready for cuffing season.

They show their readiness with a stunning interpretation of cuffing season, using a New Day sock and unicorn horn. They didn’t even remember to wrap the horn first, sigh. So irresponsible.

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Closing Segment RAW Vs. SmackDown

From Kevin cupping Chris Jericho’s sugar tit, to AJ Styles and his soccer mom hair making it on the List, all the way to James Ellsworth being dubbed Chince McMahon. I just….this entire segment was complete gold and too hilarious for words. Raw vs. SmackDown was perfect and I can’t wait for this match at Survivor Series.

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Stephanie McMahon loves Mortal Kombat

“Finish him!”–Such orders sound so fitting coming from Stephanie.

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SmackDown: Hungry Eyes (Highlights 11/1/16)

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I feel like I need to preface this with my disbelief that James Ellsworth has his own theme music. Don’t get me wrong, that’s great for him and everything…but when do I get my own personalized theme music huh?

James Ellsworth apology session

All I can think about during this is how James has become the Urkel of WWE. It’s really incredible, his entire existence on the roster so far as has been “Did I do that…?” Plus his pout! My oh my, when he apologizes to Dean, all I can think about is the Olsen twins in Full House. That man really has a face perfect for television.

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Hungry Eyes

Luke Harper. Randy Orton. They were about to lock lips on SmackDown Live, I guess they’re saving this moment for a PPV. That’s not something you just give away for free all willy nilly. Ah….so when can I expect Luke to serenade Randy with “Hungry Eyes” ?

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Alexa Bliss is the best interviewer of all time

WHAT?! She took charge and honestly led the interview better than any designated interviewer ever could have. Plus she was so attentive to her guest Carmella. Quite frankly, Alexa Bliss is career goals.

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James & Dean = True Love

I can’t with James Ellsworth and Dean Ambrose. They’re too much of a good thing…my sides hurt from laughing.

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SmackDown: Fearless Lock (Highlights 10/25/16)

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I’ll be honest with you here, SmackDown started and I wasn’t entirely ready  for it. All I heard was Dean going on about something with a search warrant, then Ellsworth came in  with several shades of grateful and gosh darn precious. It seems that while Dean loved being ringside and offering a distraction during James’ matches, he doesn’t want Mr. No Chin to be there for his and end up doing the same.

The Fuck, Randall?

I have no idea why Randy RKO’ed Kane, his supposed tag team partner. I have a feeling he might be a little bit mad about Kane kidnapping his father all those years ago. Seriously man, get over it already.

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To be frank, I was very bored with this episode of SmackDown. It wasn’t holding my interest for very long, then again, I work with kids and I’m pretty god damn exhausted by the time SmackDown airs. I will give credit where credit is deserved: 1) Nikki Bella’s new submission finisher (Fearless Lock) looks pretty god damn awesome. Number 2) James Ellsworth has incredible facial expressions.

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SmackDown: Bray Comes Last (Highlights 10/18/16)

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I can’t believe we’re at a time where SmackDown Live opens with James Ellsworth getting his very own shirt: with his face smack dab in the center. What a time to be alive, and surely the millions and millions of his fans must be clamoring to get one to support him. What a time to be alive.

Bray to Randy: “I like coming after you”.

Uh, what? Alright, well. At least we know that Bray sticks by the golden rule of “she finishes first”, as explained to us by Xavier Woods of The New Day. A little much for me to know, and I mean, this is a PG program, but hey! To each their own, Bray’s apparently a very open person. Good for him.

Can we talk about the fact that Kane is Randy’s tag team partner? This is how that conversation should have gone:

Randy: I know I kidnapped your father and left him in a freezer to die, but will you be my tag team partner?

Kane: Go fuck yourself, Orton.

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Natalya loves Whitney Houston.

Alright, but shoutout to her for figuring out how to work Whitney Houston’s lyrics into her plea with Daniel Bryan, that’s just pure dedication.

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After this episode of SmackDown, I don’t think there’s anyone on the roster that’s more over than James Ellsworth.

AJ Styles: Mom Hair, Don’t Care

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The Champ is here: AJ Styles, and with him he brings a mane that can’t be tamed. The man known for beating both John Cena and Dean Ambrose has a killer asset that’s frequently discussed. Actually there’s a couple of body parts to him that are usually discussed but this isn’t Skinemax so we’re sticking with the PG asset: the hair.

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That hair is beautiful. Dark, luscious locks that remind you of a free flowing chocolate waterfall every time you watch him threaten to beat up John Cena. Yet no one really discusses the sheer beauty of his hair. There’s never a positive comment about how good it looks. All anyone can ever say is that he’s got soccer mom hair; the nerve of these scoundrels! They make it seems as though this whole soccer mom business would be a bad thing, but you know what? It’s incredible.

Who has soccer mom hair? Champions, that’s who.

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Who whips their hair back and forth? This guy, who does it so much better than Willow Smith could have ever hoped to do so.

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Ya know who doesn’t whip their hair back and forth? Losers, and who are the losers of SmackDown now? Dean Ambrose and John Cena. Ambrose’s hair looks like it was caught in a twister and fell onto his scalp once the storm settled. As for Cena, when has he ever had good hair, hmm?

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This mockery about AJ Styles’ hair is absolutely tragic. A champ with such an elite standing does not deserve this abuse, especially given the hair status of the previously mentioned chuckleheads. The world of professional wrestling is simply envious of his hair. He’s got a fierce mane all his own, no weave, plugs, extensions, or wigs necessary. That’s pure genetics doing its finest work, something just a few people in WWE might be jealous of.

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Look at this latest look in the Styles’ hair world. I like to call this look: Straight Outta Asgard.

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My final piece: Sporty Spice.

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The champ is here with his mom hair, and he simply doesn’t care what anyone else has to say about it. This hair is for winners, so that means he’ll have that mane for quite some time. If you want to be a winner and have fabulous hair such as AJ’s then fret not! Rumor has it he’s going to launch his own hair care line in Spring 2017, but you can only purchase it if you are a current title holding champion.

 

 

SmackDown: Highlights (10/11/16)

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Ya know, Dolph Ziggler was the first one to start the show this evening. I must say, his walk to the ring looks like a sad walk of shame. Just no happiness at all, his eyes look dead as he gazes upon the crowd that chants “you deserve it”. Eventually he livens up, but still, that walk to the ring made me think he was going to announce an injury.

The Miz and Maryse mourn the death of the IC Championship.

This is incredibly ridiculous and absurd. It’s outrageous, it’s such an extreme over exaggeration and yet: The Miz is absolutely correct. He made it relevant again, he made it something to die for. Now Dolph has tainted the prestigiousness of the belt, and I think it’s wonderful Miz and Maryse want to honor what it once was.

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What the fuck are they even wearing?

I don’t know what happened to spark this fashion change, but The Usos are just…man, they’ve really become completely different people. I mean, look at those outfits. They just…I mean…we don’t even get face paint anymore! I think we have a couple of rappers instead. Before you know it they’re going to have a mixtape and a feud with Taylor Swift.

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Ellsworth 316

This is everything. From the sheer, childlike wonder and happiness of James, to referee Dean Ambrose making an appearance. Every moment of this was beyond ridiculous, a wild ride to remember of AJ placing James on a pedestal, and Dean rubbing AJ’s body down at the start of the match.

Oh, you think I’m joking?

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This freaking tweet.

I’m dead.

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Overall, SmackDown was pretty entertaining. The segment with James, Dean, and AJ really stole the show. Quite frankly I think that should have closed it out instead of more Wyatt and Orton. It seemed to steal the show more than the self proclaimed show stealer Dolph Ziggler did.

SmackDown: Highlights (9/13/16)

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Below are a few moments I found to be incredibly entertaining of from SmackDown from September 13, 2016.

When Shit Got Too Real

Things got too real between AJ Styles, Dean Ambrose, and John Cena in the opening segment of SmackDown. John Cena called out Dean, referencing the Stone Cold Podcast and going for the typical “you have no balls” insult. Dean called Cena the part timer who can’t keep up anymore but looks great on a cereal box. AJ of course relished in the fighting and managed to celebrate before it all went down.

The MVP of this segment was definitely Dean and John going toe to toe with the mic, and I never realized how desperately I needed that feud until this moment.

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AJ’s Hunt For a Partner

Not a life partner, no, but for a tag partner!  It’s incredibly entertaining and also very pitiful on his behalf. Poor guy, no one wants to work with him. it must be hard being the champ that runs the camp.

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Curt Hawkins…um…

Honestly, this was bit was sponsored by PornHub, wasn’t it? Or is he just trying to check on his own set up and make sure everything’s okay? Oh, or maybe fire farts?!

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The Miz Beats Up James Ellsworth

The Miz did the right thing! He made sure to secure himself a main event spot AND torment Daniel Bryan by utterly destroying the internet darling James Ellsworth. The poor guy never stood a chance against the A-Lister, but gosh he looked so happy to be there before Miz ruined him.

The Miz was killing it….and James!

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The show ends with Dean Ambrose nailing John Cena with dirty deeds, and now I can’t wait to see what goes down next week on SmackDown live.