SmackDown: Stuff….Happened…Ish(7/30/15 Highlights)

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Alas ye’ scalawags, it’s time for another riveting episode of SmackDown! I don’t know why I had to start the introduction like that, I’m sorry. No more pirate speak, it’ll never happen again. Let’s just try to enjoy the entertaining bits of SmackDown that will hopefully happen, and forget this shameful beginning.

Highlights

Seth says he’s an artist.

A regular ol’ artist, turning John Cena’s face into a Picasso painting. Man, talk about talent.

Cesaro’s imitation of Seth Rollins..

Goes on, and on, and on. And on, and on, and on. And on, and on and on….and on, and on, and on. Seriously it goes on, and on, and on….and on, and on, and on.

Luke Harper loves Bray Wyatt a little too much.

I think he’s been sipping Bray’s special kool aid. Straight from the fountain itself.

Cesaro and Dean vs. Seth and Kevin

What a fabulous match where most of it was outside of the ring! Not that there’s anything wrong with it, it’s creative! I like it!

I love that Cesaro jumped into the crowd after winning the match. How precious!

SmackDown felt a little stale. Plus there was no Diva’s match which is a little disappointing. Though I suppose no match is better than a 5 minute one. RAW greatly made up for this anyway. Plus who knows, Monday may have three Diva’s matches.

It won’t, but one could hope.

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MTV ‘Scream’ Episode Five: The Duval’s Get Laid

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WARNING: Spoilers as Always!

Right, now that we’ve taken care of that little message, it’s time to go on with the show. Or…the summary/highlight/odd conspiracy theories of the show.

Sheriff’s Ex-Partner returns!

Her name is Lorraine, and she’s definitely ruined the Sheriff’s day. Now, there’s clearly animosity between the two of them from the very beginning. Are they perhaps…ex-lovers? Whatever they appear to be (not sure if lovers or just friends with benefits), the Mayor seems overly pleased to have her on board. This means that Sheriff will be taking the backseat to this case.

Hmmm….interesting. We’ve seen a lot during this episode.  Mayor blackmail giving teens thousands of dollars to destroy video evidence, him stalking his daughter’s lovely friends… dragging the body of his wife from the trunk of his car. Now, how does the Mayor’s disturbing social life tie into the introduction of Lorraine?

Well, he’s clearly looking to cover some stuff up. He doesn’t want the Sheriff to get too close, might as well have someone else on the payroll to make sure he’s completely clean.

Jake is a sadist.

Think about it. He says he enjoys to torture ice–now of course, I took this as a joke.However, if you pair that with his behavior throughout the show so far, it’s pretty clear.

He’s the ‘muscle’ of the dynamic duo of Jake and Will. He’s the man that has no issues with hitting the Mayor. Now, he also looks on adoringly at Brooke as she watches the footage they have on her father. There’s a disturbed little glimmer in his eyes and he seems to be filled with joy when he takes in the pained look on her face.

Plus here’s a freebie–his 50 Shades of Gray reference when he and Brooke are paired up on a project together.

Yet I bet he’s not the killer, just a really peculiar, kind of disturbing kid. Or a mirror image of myself, depends on how you look at it.

Everyone has sex in this episode!

Not everyone.

Emma and her mother both have sex with the Sheriff and his son.

Not at the same time.

OR in the same place.

Really, both Duval women had a fun night with the Wilcox men.

Doesn’t that seem odd to anyone? It’s not just a little, tiny bit weird?

So we’ve got some background work done…

We’ve learned the Sheriff did both pills and Lorraine. The Mayor is a creepy scumbag. Will and Jake’s partnership has fallen, and Jake has knowingly thrown Will under the bus. This was a less Emma centric episode, and focused more on everyone else, especially Brooke and the Mayor.

Good, we’ve needed that! I mean, this entire town is a confusing train wreck of a story, but we needed to know just why everyone is such a hot, dead mess.

RAW: Comedy Hour! (7/27/15 Highlights)

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Now the WWE has seen quite a busy Monday morning. A trailer for WWE 2K16 involving the one, the only, the Terminator himself. Not only that, but a trailer for 12 Rounds 3: Lockdown starring the one and only Dean Ambrose emerged as well.

You know what that means. This can either be a busy and very dramatic night, or one full of commercials.

Highlights

Seth’s face when John Cena’s music starts.

I feel you Seth. We all make that face when we hear his music. Sure, not lately as he’s had good matches but now that he’s back in the main title scene….yes, yes we are all back to making that face.

Stephanie cheers the crowd on for wanting a champion vs. champion match on RAW for Seth’s title.

Then tells them ‘no, no, no’ before saying John must earn it. Oh dear, I really thought the match would happen because Seth forgot to clean his room and do his chores.

Instead, we get the match–but it’s for John’s title. I think Seth’s parents want Seth to grab the US Championship, and leave John a poor mess on a street corner rapping for spare change.

‘Cause that’s basic thuganomics, yo.

Big Show vs. Dean Ambrose turned into ‘skinemax’ on demand.

Seriously. Big Show wasted absolutely no time in ripping his shirt off like he wanted to take him right against the ring post. This of course meant that Dean looked like an awkward cowboy stripper until the rest of the shirt came off.

I’m okay with it.

Big Show slugged Dean across the face .

He stopped that suicide dive mid flight. Good god that was brutal. My face hurts.

Paige taps out to Sasha Banks.

Like a boss, well said JBL.

Rusev gives Lana a dog.

He named it, ‘Dog Ziggler’. Wow, you’ve been in America for too long, too punny.

He also gives her a cold, dead, headless fish named ‘Lana’. Alright, well, that’s disgusting and horrifyingly unsanitary.

As a response, Lana goes to the ring and shows the happy couple who’s boss.

You go girl. It was disgusting, but good job.

New Day entering during Lucha Dragons vs. Los Matadores.

With Xavier holding a sign that says ‘real mega dad of the year’ that points down to Kofi. Now that’s absolutely amazing. Give New Day a sitcom this instant!

Bray sounds like myself on a bad day.

Telling children that their parents don’t love them, overall killing their souls and everything they’ve ever loved. This is amazing.

Seth Rollins broke John’s nose.

What?! Is that mean? I thought it was cool, been awhile since we’ve seen some blood in the ring. I swear I’m not crazy.

Okay fine, it is awfully mean, but still, the shock factor to it! Wow!

So the match must have ended early because of the injury. John of course retained his title, no one interfered with the match….okay, I’ll take it. Seth’s phoenix splash–which is rarely ever used didn’t land, and that’s depressing. Seriously, we see Curtis Axel enter the ring more than we see that beautiful move!

Now, I just can’t wait until SmackDown to hear Seth either whine, or say ‘I broke John Cena’s nose!’, and gloat about that for twenty minutes.

SmackDown: Kevin Owens Likes Seth’s Sloppy Seconds (7/23/15 Highlights)

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I have to start thinking up more introductions for these things. I can only trash SmackDown so many times before it becomes completely redundant. Mind you, it’s already hit that point, but sometimes you just have to keep pushing the limits.

Highlights

Dean making the sign of the cross after not dying when slamming against the announce table.

Really, that was a lucky landing. Completely understandable why he’d do that. I’d also perform a sacrificial offering and light a bunch of candles, but that’s just me.

Stardust’s promo after Neville’s match.

It was deranged, and beautiful, and absolutely wonderful. Not deranged in the sense that he’s a dirty swamp thing, but deranged in a completely different way that reminds you of the Riddler. It’s wonderful.. He is the super villain WWE needs.

Kevin Owens is the king of abandonment, according to Cesaro

He just loves to flee matches left and right.

Cesaro hopes Kevin doesn’t choke on his food…

…the way he choked in his match against John Cena at the PPV.

Good god that was brutal and wonderful. What a beautiful feud.

The main event of Cesaro vs. Seth Rollins

Over all, just a fun match to watch. What’s not to love? Strong Cesaro, agile, cheating Seth Rollins.

Then Kevin Owens coming in at the end to pick up Seth’s sloppy seconds. What a time to be alive.

You know what? SmackDown wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be! I don’t know if it’s because this is the week following a PPV or what. It didn’t start with a ten minute montage of previous events, had a damn good main event with good matches in between. Not too shabby WWE, not too shabby at all.

MTV ‘Scream’ Episode Four: These Teens Are Shady

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Another episode down–somehow another teenager lives! As far as we know. Well, you can’t have one of the main teenagers die every single episode, then the season would be too short! Plus you can’t just have random teenagers dying in the background to add to the gore factor. Every death has a reason behind it, so it’s understandable that somehow we’ll go an episode without anyone dying.

As per usual, this will undoubtedly be a post somewhat riddled with spoilers. Proceed with caution.

Blackmail Porn?

Apparently that’s a thing? That also sounds highly illegal and may result in federal prison for certain people.

Jake and Will have talked about finishing something that Nina started. After Emma and her sidekicks of Noah and Audrey find Nina’s laptop filled with files on people (Emma, Mayor, Sheriff, etc), we discover that one of those videos is in fact Emma and Will sleeping together for the first time.

Holy run on sentences Robin!

So…is this webcam pornography that’s being uploaded to the world wide web so that Will, Jake, Tyler, and Nina can profit from it all? It would certainly make it easier for Will to pay his tuition for Duke…

Or, are these files only being held as a way of extorting money from officials? For example, it seems that the Mayor is being hounded from money, 100K in fact. Hmmm…now who was he sleeping with?

Now I’m just assuming that he’s sleeping with someone. He could be doing anything for all we know.

Brooke’s parents suck.

So the Mayor is Brooke’s father, and we have yet to see her mother at all. Sounds like Brooke has a case of two absent parents–now isn’t that rather sad? No wonder she’s chasing around her creepy pedophile of a teacher, she’s completely ignored at home.

Although, now I’m suspicious. I just feel bad for her now, we’re opened up to her story. We’re meant to feel something towards her, the way we felt about Riley falling in love with Noah…

Is Brooke the next victim?

Emma and Audrey–possibly BFF’s again?

Well, probably not. I can’t imagine Emma wanting any friendship with anyone now that all of her friends are well, dying. However, I bet exploring a creepy, disturbing, bloody hospital must feel like old times.

That’s a lie, I don’t know what old times were like with Audrey and Emma. If they were exploring abandoned hospitals in their youth then I am both very concerned and disappointed with their parents.

Now that we’re on the subject of Audrey, this does raise a question…

Why isn’t Audrey a target?

I don’t understand that, it doesn’t add up.

Brooke was sent a text message leading to a poll wondering who should die next (between her and Emma of course). The only two faces that were there were Nina and Riley who have already died.

Audrey’s nowhere on that list, yet Rachel, whose only relation that we know of is Audrey’s girlfriend, and the girl in the video, was murdered. Are they girlfriends? Was it official? Audrey didn’t seem too sure, so I have no idea what to refer to her as.

Audrey wasn’t a target, but Rachel was the second (technically the third) victim.

Can you say….suspicious?

RAW: The Dead Man Returns (7/20/15 Highlights)

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Oh good grief, the RAW post-PPV. Not only that, this is a post-PPV RAW where the night before the Dead Man himself, the Undertaker, made a reappearance. We haven’t seen this man since WrestleMania, and what does he do? He makes Brock Lesnar regret ever breaking the streak, and it’s glorious. Plus we saw a Wyatt family semi-reunion, a Diva’s triple threat match that makes you kick and scream with joy…

Ah, what a night. So the follow up better be damn good.

Highlights

Undertaker kicked off RAW.

That’s it, that’s all you need. Nothing else matters. The rest of the night doesn’t matter in the slightest because Undertaker is kicking off RAW.

The locker room gathering to keep Brock and Undertaker from murdering each other.

That’s just priceless. Also the only time you’ll see most of those superstars on TV for quite some time.

Brock and Taker brawling in the ring.

Which required all of security and most of the locker room to pry them apart. It’s safe to say all of the security guards have gotten concussions at this point, and now everyone in the locker room has had a fair chance at RAW for roughly three minutes.

Yet Rollins,Ambrose,Reigns,Cena, Wyatt, Harper–none of them were out to try and stop the fight. Pft, blasphemous.

Brawl continues in the hallway.

This entire thing was magnificent! R-Truth is the one smart man in a fight telling everyone to give Brock space and leave him alone. Seriously, that’s what the person needs (no sarcasm, it’s definitely the smartest thing to do).

But security actually zip-tied Brock instead of handcuffing him. Really? Pretty sure he can break that if he wants to.

Either way, it feels like they’re already in New York for SummerSlam, ah, so many flashbacks of my youth just watching these two fight.

Bray makes creepy Roman fan art on Luke Harper’s vest.

Alright. What the hell?!

Seth Rollins making Lillian Garcia announce him as the champion the proper way.

You tool.

There were TWO Divas Matches!

Both were AWESOME. Brie vs. Charlotte and Paige and Becky versus Sasha and Naomi. Absolutely beautiful.

Summer Rae has transformed into Lana.

A version that apparently to Rusev looks like an angel.

…I don’t think angels look like that Rusev, unless they’ve gotten sent down to the very depths of hell.

Cena and Randy being so entertained as their opposing team falls apart, losing members one by one.

I mean, I’d be entertained too seeing the big dope Sheamus walk out right before Kevin Owens, both of them throwing hissy fits. Ah, Rusev never stood a chance.

The Main Event was just beautiful beyond belief.

Lana coming out to lay the beat down of Summer’s life (including ripping out that weave). Good god almighty. Cena, Orton, and Cesaro all had far too much fun by the end of it. Yet Cesaro slingshotting Rusev into the RKO? Glorious.

Honestly, this RAW was absolutely magnificent. Awesome matches, multiple Divas matches, great segments….ugh. It was great. I can’t wait for next week (because let’s be honest, SmackDown will be hopeless for some time).

Battleground: HOLY CRAP (7/19/15)

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Battleground! Time for the PPV that was…well….really not that hyped up at all. In the beginning everything seemed great but it just fell apart and went stale. All we can hope is that the matches and the outcomes can make up for the very “meh” lead up.

5 week buildup = not the best

But first….the kick off show.

Kick Off

King What’s Up vs. King Barrett

Yeah. R-Truth is calling himself King What’s Up. That is definitely a thing. Alright, well….I mean, I guess it’s not the worst King title to have. Uh, at least we have to look forward to Truth bouncing around like a weird bunny trying to twerk, and Barrett stealing Truth’s catch phrase.

Plus there was that beautiful commercial right in the middle. Wow, just…A+ everyone.

In the end, King Barrett wins! All hail the King, or if we’re playing a Halo match, hail to the King.

See what I did there? It’s a game reference.

Battleground

Sheamus vs. Randy Orton

Ah, revenge for the millionth time! Now, I believe this time it’s Randy that has a bone to pick, right? You know what, assuming that he gets passed Sheamus’ blinding entrance, I’m sure he’ll be just fine!

Sheamus was kicked directly in the left tit. I hope he’s not lactating.

Randy Orton took the win, even after his legs nearly snapped in half because of Sheamus’ submission hold.

New Day vs. Prime Time Players

Tag Team Championship

Good god almighty, this match starts off rather quickly between Darren and Kofi. The two go at it like a couple of snakes trying to wrap around each other. Actually, it only starts off that way after New Day preaches about winning and victory and all that crap for a good, long while.

I do love Titus’ face every time someone slaps him. It really screams “Bitch did you just–? OH hell no”, then of course he proceeds to slap the person around like a rag doll. Then we have Xavier calling out moves of his opponents with commentary such as “worst leg drop ever”! He’s so mouthy it’s hysterical.

According to Xavier, Big E has some serious tricep meat. Alright, that’s one way to refer to it!

With a powerful slam, Titus pins Big E for the win. Thus meaning the Prime Time Players retain their titles!

Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt

Oh dear, now this has to be intense. Roman has a lot of pent up rage for Bray that has to come out. The man cost him the briefcase at Money in the Bank, threatened his child, stalks him…he’s basically become a super obsessed fan girl in a dangerous way. Alright fine, dangerous is a light way to put it. I hope there’s a straight jacket available for after the match, regardless of who wins. That man needs to be put in a psych ward.

The way Bray sits in the ring is almost like he’s saying, “Come sit between my legs, so that I may braid your glorious mane.”

Roman slapped Bray so damn hard Bray rolled right out of the ring. Bray slapped him back, but it wasn’t quite as explosive. Hell, Roman threw him so hard into the barricade it moved. That’s pure rage….and strength, but there has to be rage somewhere in there to. When Bray took control of the match, he started to get very cheeky! Sticking his butt out, praising the sky (most likely a swamp god), and even doing some funky little shuffle around in the ring. Bray….just….whatever, carry on weirdo.

You know, one doesn’t realize how frightening it is for Bray to clap two chairs together until he does it and seems to enjoy it way too much.

SUDDENLY HARPER!

A ‘hooded man’ (definitely Luke Harper) attacked Roman Reigns at ringside. The added assistance led to Bray beating Roman.

Don’t you love it when families reconnect?

Charlotte vs. Sasha Banks vs. Brie Bella

Diva’s Triple Threat Match

I love that Nikki was going to fight but decided she couldn’t handle the boss and the woman who’s stylin’ and profilin’. So why not sacrifice your sister to two of the queens of NXT, right?

Sasha strung Brie and Charlotte up on the ropes and just stomped right through them–good god I’m in pain just watching that. Sasha takes charge rather early on and absolutely dominates the two women for quite some time, until Charlotte is able to show the universe just why she’s genetically superior.

Really though, that neck breaker she did to Sasha was beautiful.

Brie manages to hold her own against the two divas as well, running around like her husband, nailing both divas left and right. Her kicks of course would make any goat man proud, and hurt, very painfully. However, Brie Mode can only last so long.

Now what kind of big ol’ triple threat match up between three teams would this be if every single person did what they were supposed to do? Exactly, not one at all. Of course everyone gets involved, splashes, drop kicks–everyone somehow becomes a victim to some diva brutality and it’s wonderful.

Brie wisely taps out to the figure eight, leaving Charlotte victorious by submission!

Holy hell what a match!

Kevin Owens vs. John Cena

United States Championship

Aw, poor Kevin Owens returning to the ring once again–this time without his championship. Ouch what a bummer. I can’t imagine how that feels. All that talk and yet now he’s lost his belt….well, you tried.

Cena of course needs to keep everyone entertained with the new moves he’s been executing. Yes, that means Cena jumping off of the top rope which is rarely ever seen. However, the start of the match is nothing we haven’t seen before, as these two have gone toe to toe several times now.

You know what was awesome though? Kevin catching Cena in mid-air and countering with the pop up power bomb.

It’s pretty predictable, though. Yes, the two have great chemistry together and put on wonderful matches…but we know what’s going to happen. They’ll kick out of each other’s finishers, do the others moves to mock them…countless near-pins. We all know what’s coming!

Surprisingly, Owens taps out to Cena’s submission, leaving Super Cena to retain the title.

The Miz vs. The Microphone

I really, really want MIz’s grey sweater. Seriously if I wore that with a tank and leggings then I would be set! Honestly, I’d wear it better than he would.

Alright in all seriousness, Miz’s match is postponed and he’s just throwing a massive hissy fit. Ryback is too afraid to mess with him because Miz is apparently the toughest man in the WWE….ah yes, definitely. That’s absolutely the case.

In other news, Big Show walks to the ring, knocks Miz out, and promptly leaves. Knocked his pants halfway down his legs….that’s….Miz, what do you think a drawstring is for?

Seth Rollins vs. Brock Lesnar

WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Oh dear. The golden boy versus the beast that he has been poking and prodding at with a stick. This entire build up does not bode well for Seth, even if he is the future of the WWE. He has no back up either. No demon, no hobbits….but you know what? He’s a crafty little ninja, he’ll figure something out.

It actually takes awhile for Brock to begin his two moves of doom strategy. Seth does a fine job of running away like a bat out of hell, as well as holding on to ropes for dear life to keep Brock from flinging him around. Overall? I am in pain, and feel terrible watching this.

Seth grabbed his title and tried to flee, but Brock cleared the barricade like a god damn gazelle running from a cheetah. Naturally, he brought Seth back to the ring to receive his punishment–and he was way too happy about that.

On the bright side, Paul Heyman is at ringside keeping count. Hey, at least we know he knows how to count.

Surprisingly, Seth’s able to gain some leverage! All it took was one counter, and Brock was quickly taken down with a countless number of kicks. Hell, Seth kicked him out of the ring! Someone’s doing extremely well against the beast incarnate and actually living up to all that trash talk he did.

HOLY BALLS OF HELL IT’S THE UNDERTAKER

THE DEAD MAN HAS RISEN.

Brock Lesnar and Undertaker, staring each other down in the ring. Brock swore he had taken care of him but now…now he looks petrified. Taker easily countered Brock’s attempt at an F5..and well…

The Dead Man showed him who was the boss. A choke slam, a beautiful, nostalgic tombstone…this is blissful.

Honestly, the look on Heyman’s face, I’m surprised that man even stayed there to watch his client get destroyed.

Brock Lesnar has officially been evicted from Suplex City and relocated to Death Valley.

The build up to Battleground? Eventually, yes, it got stale. But the end result? Absolutely beautiful. In addition, Seth keeps the belt, Brock still looks like a beast, and he goes on to thoroughly regret ever breaking the streak!